Family relations with her husband have reached a dead end. How to save a relationship with your husband if it has reached a dead end? Relationship with husband has reached a dead end

Question for a psychologist:

My husband sits on his phone during the day, watches videos about tanks and chats on Viber with friends, and in the evening he plays tanks on the computer. Even when he’s doing homework with the older one and is still on the phone, he puts the younger one in the corner and shouts at them. There is only one answer to my comments: - okay, let them do what they want, but they’re wrong. We lived together for 10 years, there are 2 children, the eldest is 9 and the youngest is 4, he is constantly put in a corner by every whim. The house is completely on me, my friends say that I have become angry and aggressive. Help me with advice on where to start a conversation with my husband, what needs to be changed, maybe I’m doing something wrong. In intimate relationships, I don’t complain, he fulfills his marital duty and only then says he loves me. Help. When I go to my friend’s house and come home late, she doesn’t talk to me. His parents are divorced, divorced 2 weeks before our wedding. His sister abandoned his parents, but she communicates with her nephews. I did everything as he wanted, quit smoking, going to discos, and don’t communicate with friends he doesn’t like. And although I survived in this city thanks to them, I don’t communicate with them, only one remains with me. Home is work, and when I go somewhere, the next day and all week I walk with a feeling of guilt that I went somewhere and left him with the children. We rarely go anywhere together, and if we do, we will definitely have a fight. I go to bed and he plays tanks. I don’t like New Year’s, because you can only have fun from 12 o’clock at night, and before that you can’t drink, the table must be set full and we sit and talk on the phone.

Psychologist Yulia Kirillovna Popova answers the question.

Hello, Natalia!

You ask where to start a conversation with your husband, assuming that you are doing something wrong.

The fact is that such intense involvement in gaming on gadgets may indicate a rejection of reality and dissatisfaction with life. Unfortunately, it is impossible to establish the reasons for possible dissatisfaction from your letter, however, it is also evidenced by your interaction with your youngest child, since putting someone in a corner is much easier and faster than trying to find a common language and come to an agreement by establishing contact.

You stopped communicating with your friends at the insistence of your husband, and although earlier, apparently, they supported you, something about them did not suit your husband, or this is an attempt to establish autocracy over you. You need to understand this, because if you write about it, then it matters to you.

You write that when you leave your husband with the children for a day, you walk around all week with a feeling of guilt - what makes you feel guilty? Husband's behavior? Is he expressing dissatisfaction? How does he justify this? What is the situation with work and leisure in your family? Is it debugged?

Regarding gadgets. It is necessary to distinguish between hobbies and addictions. If gaming begins to affect the family's quality of life, then action must be taken. Unfortunately, for certain personality types, overcoming one addiction means replacing it with another (in the best case, less destructive). There is a chance that your husband has low levels of hormones of joy and pleasure, and therefore he needs constant stimulation (play) so that these levels do not fall. Did your husband have other addictions before that he could replace with gadgets? Or maybe the problem grows from childhood, from the parental family. Or, as I wrote above, there is a departure from reality. The presence of a dependent family member necessarily presupposes the presence of codependent members, which is why difficulties may arise when trying to solve problems on their own.

Probably, nomophobia (fear of being without a phone) arose as a way to rest and relax.

Girlfriends, New Year's table, communication with children, telephone and games, all this expresses a fundamental problem that needs to be identified and neutralized.

What to do:

1. Understand what exactly causes discomfort, make a list.

2. For a serious conversation you need contact and conditions. Conditions for conversation: calm environment, satisfactory state of health and mood.

3. Share thoughts and feelings about what causes discomfort. Convey to the person that there are certain problems that need to be dealt with. For example, consistency in upbringing: is it permissible for a father to sit on the phone while supervising his eldest daughter’s homework (by the way, why doesn’t the girl do them herself?), is it permissible to put the child in a corner, and so on.

4. After listening to the points of view of the parties, it is necessary to voice that it is necessary to build relationships in the family based on the search for compromises, otherwise unsatisfied needs arise, leading to breakdowns, scandals, quarrels, etc.

5. If the use of a telephone and computer destabilizes the situation in the family, then it is necessary to systematize their use. Where does the blame for your vacation come from? Maybe your rest and your husband’s rest need to be balanced? All this relates to the issue of debugging the work/rest mode. In addition to the limitations of using gadgets, it would still be good to understand the reason for moving into virtual reality. Try to establish the reason in a confidential conversation, without swearing, shouting, or complaints. Family relationships are the work of both spouses, the ability to find compromises.

Hand in hand, the joy of first meetings - it seems that it’s hard to breathe without each other, let alone live a day. I want not to part, to stroke, hug, admire and talk endlessly. About what? Nothing. There is no one around, just the two of you.

But the period of falling in love gradually passes, the couple enters the phase of a stable relationship, when feelings are tested for strength by jointly solving everyday problems and overcoming difficulties. A period of stability begins; for some couples it is painted in positive, bright colors. They still can’t live without communication, they call back throughout the day: “How are you? I miss. Until the evening".

For others, pastel colors of light, translucent watercolors predominate: everything is calm, without splashes, and sometimes even dull in an autumnal way. The couple is kept together more by friendly feelings, force of habit, than by love. Increasingly, the need to resolve issues of living together causes irritation, both understand that the warmth has gone somewhere, a dead end. What's next?

How to understand that a relationship has reached a dead end?

Is it possible to return that feeling of falling in love that was at the very beginning? Is it necessary? Some of your significant other's actions are disappointing, and this is easily explained. At the first stage of a relationship, a person experiences a feeling of euphoria; he sees his partner through rose-colored glasses. The day comes when the flair subsides. It’s as if you woke up from a long sleep and suddenly realized that you imagined everything differently. How to understand that a relationship has reached a dead end? What to do, look for a way out or break up? What do psychologists advise on how to do the right thing?

The impasse that many couples go through is invariably accompanied by a showdown. Everyone is trying to claim their rights. If your family exhibits at least a few of the signs listed below, it’s time to urgently become a crisis manager and try to stop the process of alienation.

• To all attempts to talk, your loved one responds with excuses - no time, tired from work, unwell. However, all signs of malaise instantly disappear if friends call or appear on the doorstep.
• You sleep together, but intimacy happens less and less. A short kiss goodnight and no continuation. Perhaps your spouse is having an affair. Adultery is a fairly common reason for cooling off.
• Reluctance to compromise. In order to avoid another quarrel, you try to give in every time, but he firmly stands his ground and does not want to meet you halfway. Perhaps he is tired of endless internal wars, has already decided to break up and is simply waiting for an opportunity to announce this to you, or is he wondering how to get out of the impasse?
• Cooling down in sex invariably becomes the cause of emotional alienation. The man doesn’t let you in on his business, and you, in turn, don’t really want to tell him about yours.
• The partner’s dissatisfaction with the whole world: work, you, home, his responsibilities and even the weather. This may be indirect evidence that the man has developed a spiritual attachment, and he is no longer bothered by what is happening here. Mentally he is in a new life.
• Continuing a relationship out of pity is doomed to failure. If it is not love, but a feeling of compassion that keeps you close to your partner, sooner or later everything will end. It's better to do it now without wasting time. First, try living apart, at a distance.
• Low self-esteem. The woman fears that she will be left alone and does not want to change her status; for years she has endured rudeness and rudeness from her husband. From a psychological point of view, she is a dependent partner. Nothing good will come from such a relationship; there is no point in continuing.
• A well-known situation is when a couple has been living together for a long time and running a household, but the guy is in no hurry to get married, coming up with new excuses despite the birth of children. The girl waits patiently for a marriage proposal, but nothing happens. Perhaps, under the pressure of circumstances, he will be forced to marry, but it will not be his decision.

Family relationships have reached a dead end, what to do? First of all, do not listen to “wise” advisers who are trying to convince you that it is better to break up and start looking for a new partner. In order to survive a difficult period with honor, it is necessary to find out the reasons that led to alienation.

Causes of discord in relationships

1. Different life priorities. For example, a man is ambitious and plans to achieve heights in his career; he has long defined a strategy for achieving abandoned goals. Professional self-realization comes first for him. It is for this reason that many young people are hostile to conversations about marriage and attempts at pressure from relatives, and if their beloved begins to insist, they break off the relationship.
2. The period of “grinding in” of characters in life together is very stormy and aggressive. Both personalities turned out to be strong, no one wants to give up leadership. Everyone tries to convey their point of view to their partner, to shout out, and does not want to remain silent. Life becomes unbearable due to the daily war of characters.
3. Relationship crisis. The couple was united by a feeling of love, but everyday life became the cause of cooling of feelings and disappointment. Both realized that this was not how they imagined their life together.

Continue or break up?

Has your relationship with your husband reached a dead end? What should I do, continue or break up? There may be nothing left to save. It is impossible to do without discussing the current situation. Psychologists identify two ways of development of events.

Both were tired of endless quarrels and showdowns over the slightest reason. There is no way to reach consensus. Parting becomes a release from moral suffering.

Conflicts and scandals against the background of emotional attachment. During a quarrel, the parties are ready to kill each other, but they cannot imagine living apart; there is a strong emotional connection between them. Conflict periods in such couples are repeated with a certain cyclicity, similar to a kind of spiral. Remove the excessive importance of what is happening, do not think about how to get out of the deadlock, because solving the problem does not depend only on you. See the situation as a pause. Move towards solving the problem gradually.

How to get out of a deadlock?

Give yourself the word to restrain your emotions, take control of them. If you feel like you can't help yourself, ask your husband to discuss the situation next time. If you can turn a quarrel into a joke, you are a genius in the field of family relationships.

Don't blame or try to prove yourself right. Why not try to hear your partner, you have a motive - to save the family. Not everything he says will be to your liking, just take note.

Learn to talk about feelings without blaming. Women are dominated by emotions, men experience a lot in silence. Agree to take care of what connects you. For example, instead of accusing me of ingratitude, open your soul - I tried really hard, but you didn’t even notice, I’m so offended!

Agree to spend the evening without quarrels. Leave home, because there is a lot here that reminds you of conflicts, take a walk in the park, sit in a cafe, watch passers-by. Play an interesting game: try to determine the type of activity of people on the street by their appearance. Take a break from unresolved problems, just enjoy life. A pleasant evening is the first, very small step towards a happy, and most importantly, joint future.

What should a woman do?

First of all, don't despair. Give yourself time to calm down and try to understand that relationships are a two-person job. No matter how much you want everything to work out, if the young man does not want to compromise, your efforts will be in vain.

Develop yourself, learn languages, smile at every new day and never live only as a man. A little time will pass and you will understand that this relationship had no prospects. It’s good that they ended before you managed to start a family and have children from him.

Another outcome is also possible: your loved one will understand that he cannot imagine life without you, and everything will gradually improve by itself, without titanic efforts and moral losses.

What should a man do?

Has your relationship with your wife reached a dead end? Assess how important family is to you. Don't make assumptions, learn the art of communication. Analyze what you have achieved in life and what goals you set for yourself in the future. Perhaps your wife has a lot to do with her support and inspiration.

Don’t try to dot all the i’s at once. Be interested in her life, how her day went, what she plans for the evening, how she would like to spend the weekend. Don't limit yourself to verbal contacts, hug, stroke the head, it calms and relaxes.

When the emotions calm down a little, ask the question directly - does she want you to be together or has she decided to break up? Not everything is in your hands, but a lot depends on a sincere desire to improve relationships and save the family.

It often opens up new opportunities for people. This doesn't always happen. I can give two pairs as an example. For one, the impasse became the beginning of a new life without each other, and the second, two months after a frank conversation about the lack of love, decided to get married and has been living very prosperously for several years now.

If the relationship has reached a dead end, what to do? This is exactly what will be discussed in today's article. We will talk about possible causes of discomfort, and perhaps you will find a better solution that...

Frequent scandals

By dead end, people mean completely different things. For some it is. If you don’t understand each other at all and often quarrel, then it’s no wonder that you’re tormented by the question of whether it’s time to break up. Why continue if the years go by and some kind of harmony cannot be achieved? Will a connection with another person help in this case?

There can be many reasons for scandals, but most often. They come up with reasons to quarrel, but prefer to remain silent about the real problems.

In this case, you can go down two paths - one will take a little longer. You need to try to pacify your pride for a while and with a man or woman, find out what really worries him or her.

If your partner is focused on maintaining the relationship, it will be easier. A person does not always understand what the true reasons for his dissatisfaction with his other half lie, so a specialist will come in handy here. You will be able to understand each other and establish contact.

I can recommend you a book Stephen Covey's "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families". She will tell you how to talk constructively with your wife or husband, stop a series of meaningless scandals, and solve the real problems that torment and destroy a marriage.

Temporary difficulties

Temporary difficulties at work or in communicating with other relatives and people affect everyone else. It begins to seem to you that problems have arisen not only in your career, but also that nothing is going well with the young man. Identifying such a situation can be difficult. You begin to firmly believe that everything is going wrong, wrong.

Take a break. Decide what is most important to you now and deal with problems as they become significant. Perhaps, after you manage to solve the main thing, all other troubles will seem like mere trifles, not worth any attention.

Routine

When a man and woman live together for a long time, one day is similar to the other, this also causes discomfort. Perhaps you are not yet thinking about marriage and children, it is likely that you are not even able to continue living as before.

This is exactly the problem that the couple from the story with which I began this article faced. The man was ready, however, he did not understand what exactly he needed - a complete break or a responsible decision to get married.

It is interesting that, according to the girl, she had guessed for a long time, and then even learned from friends that the young man was thinking about breaking up. It was impossible to continue like this. She found the time and calmly started a conversation about what worries her man. The girl was ready for the conversation to end in the termination of the relationship and even hinted at this option to her boyfriend. As soon as the young man heard this option, he instantly calmed down.

This behavior is not difficult to explain from a psychological point of view. Not all men want to get married. For them this is a responsible step. They are worried about the idea that he will have to devote the rest of his life to a specific girl. This is how they imagine family. As soon as the woman from our story gave him some freedom, his experiences stopped. He did not want any decisions and desires to be imposed on him, although the need for marriage was present in him from the very beginning. He just came to this conclusion on his own, without prompting.

I can offer you a book Ellen Fein "How to Marry the Man of Your Dreams", if you have a need to take your relationship to the next level.

Not love

For some couples, the idea of ​​impasse is the realization that... Naturally, in this case, neither marriage, nor the birth of a child, nor anything will save you. and each of the partners is simply afraid to start a dialogue about the breakup. The situation is also aggravated by all kinds of relatives and friends who are firmly convinced that “such a couple is doomed to marriage.”

The couple in the first story faced this situation. Sometimes the thought of a breakup causes great distress and creates overwhelming fear. “How will I live without this person, we have so much in common!” In this case, people are held back not by feelings, but by traditions, the habit of living together and the established image of an ideal couple in the eyes of others.

There are certain problems, but no one thinks about them anymore, but continues to play their role. It is interesting that if suddenly an unexpected pregnancy and subsequent marriage occurs in such a couple, then most often, sooner or later, one of the partners still cannot stand it and leaves. Although, there are exceptions.

That's all for me. Don't forget to subscribe to the newsletter. See you again and good luck.

Every relationship leaves room for doubt. More often they arise at the first stage, when we take a closer look at our partners and try to understand whether it is worth building a life together or whether it is better not to waste time and concentrate on finding a good person who is suitable in every sense. It is much more serious when such thoughts appear halfway through starting a family or in a long-term relationship.

We choose to accept the situation and continue to live with or date those who frankly do not deserve it, for several reasons.

1. Reluctance to offend a person who is not so bad - probably everyone has friends or acquaintances who are in much less pleasant relationships.
2. History - if you think about it, any couple has ups and downs, you don’t want to ruin everything because of fleeting doubts.
3. There is still something that made us love our partners back in the day.
4. Fear of the unknown - what if it gets even worse in the future?
5. It's nice to sometimes feel like a victim and tell everyone around you that you can sometimes suffer in order to preserve a relationship.
6. It seems that we don't deserve more.
7. Self-deception - we tend to give up the ideal future that we imagined in our dreams for the sake of what we have already achieved.

Both partners must constantly work on the relationship, as it is a two-way street. No matter how strong love is, it is impossible to fight for it alone, otherwise it will gradually develop into consumerism. Not all stories have a happy ending, but with failure comes success, and in our case, real human happiness. Sometimes unworthy people take the position of pretender because it is convenient for them to be near us at the moment. They pretend that everything is fine, show signs of attention and say what we want to hear, but sooner or later they will break off the relationship for themselves without regret. You can recognize or predict such an outcome by the following 9 signs.

1. Search for evidence of lack of mutual love

Sometimes, more often out of a desire to be capricious or to get our way, we say: “You don’t love me.” But if this phrase becomes habitual, it’s an alarm bell. This means that something is categorically unsatisfactory, and you need to understand what exactly it is, and whether everything can be corrected. Perhaps the partner simply does not know how to express feelings, or it may be that love has died and it is worth gathering courage, admitting this to yourself and your partner and moving on, parting as human beings.

2. Mistrust

Trust is lost due to systematic lies or betrayals. Having cheated once and felt impunity, a person is likely to do it again. It’s worth thinking about when we are accused of being too curious - after all, we deserve to know where, with whom and what our partner is doing. If secrecy prevails in a relationship and there are constant excuses for unambiguous actions, it is worth understanding the reason why the chosen one is still nearby and how long this will last.

3. Exceptional consumption

A couple is happy when both people strive to please each other and surround their halves with care. It is impossible to constantly give a part of yourself and receive nothing in return. Often in consumer relationships there is also emotional blackmail. If your partner threatens you with separation, you shouldn’t indulge him.

4. Get personal

The reason for a quarrel can be both important and completely insignificant. If you are faced with unfounded accusations and insults, you need to seriously reconsider your views on relationships. A loving person will not remember past misdeeds and will not focus on the shortcomings of his partner in order to hit him harder and thus assert himself.

5. Inequality

How do you feel in the presence of your partner? Cozy, comfortable? Then everything is fine. But if you think that you are not worthy of it, is this not the result of constant suggestion? There is no love in a relationship in which one person shows his superiority and makes the other feel depressed and grateful for no reason. Eleanor Roosevelt once said that no one will force a person to believe in his own inferiority without his consent. Don't give anyone this right.

6. Isolation from social circles

Over time, a happy couple becomes friends, and later relatives, in common. It’s normal when we are included in the social circle of our chosen ones. The desire to keep a partner at a distance from loved ones indicates that the person is simply ashamed of him or is trying to dominate. Don't believe that he or she doesn't want to share you with others - it just sounds nice.

7. Indifference

An unworthy person is focused solely on himself. He will gladly answer the question of how your day was, but he will not ask the same thing. He will plan his leisure time based on his own preferences, but not yours. He will not become a support and support because he is not interested in your dreams and goals.

8. Lack of respect

We want to be heard, and from time to time we need words of comfort. You can spend hours telling a person about problems or experiences and then realize that he simply did not listen. Loving people always guess our moods and emotions and try to make even the darkest day brighter, share our views and offer their participation. This is what mutual respect is built on.

9. Priorities

Happy couples make compromises even in minor matters - this is caused by the desire to make the other’s life more comfortable. That is, first of all, people care about the interests of the elected representatives and listen to their opinions. When one of the couple puts someone above their partner, this indicates a lack of love.

Among the people you meet along the way, it is very difficult to find the only worthy person. Because of this, we tend to save relationships that we don't want. But sometimes it's worth thinking about your life and leaving before it's too late.

Good afternoon, I will try to explain my problem in detail.
My husband and I have lived together for 17 years, we have a 15-year-old daughter and an 8-year-old son. We lived peacefully, amicably, of course there were quarrels, but there was never such silence and misunderstanding.
For the last 2 years, my life (not my husband’s life, everything triples him) has turned into a nightmare.
Sometimes I look at him, and it seems to me that I no longer love this person, only affection remains.
I just started to realize that I’m like a horse: I’m carrying everything on myself... I can’t do this anymore, I’m tired...
Work, home, life, raising children.. My son went to 2nd grade, he is fidgety and fidgety, it is difficult for him to sit for a long time and study homework, but they ask a lot. Throughout 1st grade, we stubbornly and for a long time gnawed at science, I really asked my husband, help me, sit at least sometimes... It didn’t go beyond promises, he is always busy (even if he’s just lying on the couch...)
With her daughter, her difficult age also “arrived” in time!!! Either he is silent, or he is sad, in his studies - he got a 3 in mathematics, although he graduated from thin. school was excellent, I instilled in her a love of music, taught her the basics of music on the piano, so she wanted to learn how to play the drums - she found a club where they helped her, she learned, now she plays in a group, in general she is looking for herself...
And all this through prohibitions and punishments from dad, because he is categorically against everything that does not relate to studies... I’m trying to explain to my husband that my daughter needs this, she doesn’t spend time on the street, behaves well, tries hard in her studies... Yes, sometimes she answers him rudely (but she responds to him with rudeness to his rudeness). A year ago, my daughter and I also had relationship problems. Julia Gippenreite’s book “How to Communicate as a Child” helped me. . For me, this is now a reference book; I re-read it, discovering more and more new things in relationships with children. She offered to read it to her husband more than once, but he said it was all nonsense. It pains me to watch him ruin his entire relationship with his daughter. Things are still good with his son (but this is also all relative, my son often complains to me that his dad doesn’t play with him, doesn’t want to read, promised to take him to the airport a long time ago, but still has no luck...) I’m shielding my husband as best I can, ( dad works a lot, he’s busy, he’s tired), but soon the child himself will understand that dad just doesn’t care. All of our vacations together (swimming pool, going to the cinema, to nature, to game centers) are vacations where me and the children, my husband is not with us, he is always busy or cannot come, or is late again….
This is what concerns relationships with children.
And I don’t even know what to call our relationship correctly, they simply don’t exist anymore...
I’m trying to explain that by relaxing with friends, he’s hurting me, I’m offended and lonely. Why does he have time for friends, but not for us? He can't explain.
In front of his friends, he is kind and generous, always ready to pay for everything, but at home he tries to give less money, but demands to eat like in a restaurant. And he always repeats: “Darling... all you need to know about me is ONE thing - I love to eat delicious food and sleep sweetly.”
I have long noticed that he doesn’t try to give everything he earns (works in a taxi) to his family (... he needs to get insurance, repairs, change the oil in the car, buy cigarettes, leave it for vacation), this is how I list the moments... But then He’s already distributed my entire salary, and he’s wondering what it is? is it over already? Why so little? What don't you ask for more?
And if I really need to do something at home on the men’s side, I have to ask and wait for a very long time, but more often than not, without waiting, I myself can fix the socket and nail a nail.
Yes, before, I could still beg to go grocery shopping and knock out the carpet, now there is only one answer: you have a daughter, let her go. Previously, he never gave up on his small responsibilities, now he’s always busy, or he just says, do it yourself.....you need it...
Yes, our responsibilities in the house are divided: we clean together with our daughter and son (he wipes dust from the furniture, takes it out of the bucket), maybe he can go buy milk and bread, my daughter helps cook, washes the dishes.
And lately, my husband and I have been increasingly silent... (or rather, I am silent, he talks, pretends that nothing is happening).
I have already tried all attempts to find a contact:
- let’s talk….I say, he listens silently, sometimes mocks….
- tell me what you don’t like? He’s happy with everything, as long as I don’t touch him or ask for anything….
- you can’t live like this, we don’t live... what should we do? The answer is still silence...
- Maybe you have something at work? In response - Everything is fine….
- in the end - maybe you have another woman? He says I’m a fool if I think so...
- I say, let’s find a family psychologist in our city, we’ll go together... he says that he is not sick, it’s me who needs treatment......
I need to understand how to proceed, how to behave?
How to talk to him? What should I say?
Or is it time to leave? How to find peace of mind, thoughts only about this... I'm at a dead end...
Thank you for listening to my problems... Best regards, Oksana P.