My child is very shy and fearful. What to do? Shy child - how to liberate a timid child? What to do if your child is shy

Lively, purposeful children always get everything first, and always the best, while shy kids often stand on the sidelines, afraid to approach Santa Claus at a matinee or embarrassed to recite a rhyme in kindergarten on March 8th. Why do some parents have a child who goes headlong towards their goal, while others are afraid to even leave behind their mother’s skirt? It's not just about upbringing, but also about innate character, temperament, and very often we demand more from our children than they can. If you have a shy child, perhaps you should loosen him up a little, but if at the genetic level he feels constrained in any society, and even at home, then maybe there is no need to fight it, but you just need to teach the child to adapt to life.

Why did the child become shy?

Almost all little children under 3 years old can be called shy, timid, but this is not a character trait, but simply a child’s defensive reaction to the unknown world around him. He hides behind his mother’s skirt, but looks out from behind it with pleasure, looking at new people, acquaintances, new streets and houses. Children often behave normally in front of mom and dad, but when grandparents and parents’ friends come, they feel anxiety, an invasion of their personal protected space, and this makes them nervous, they have mood swings, they run into another room , not to mention talking to strangers. But this behavior is quite normal for little children - they are just getting acquainted with this world. But if after 3 years, when the child goes to kindergarten or when he comes to visit someone, he cannot utter a word, then no matter how hard they try to liberate him, shyness can completely absorb the baby.

You should pay attention to how the child behaves at a party: if after some time he plays out and makes friends with everyone, then there is no reason to worry. Well, if your child has become shy, and even by the end of the evening he still doesn’t leave your side and still hasn’t spoken to anyone, it means that your baby has really become extremely timid, and there may be several reasons for this.

• "Innate" shyness

A person is already born with a certain type of temperament. It can be simply impossible to retrain or re-educate a child, because shyness is a part of him, not contrived or acquired, but one might say, innate. And in this case, the child needs to be helped to live and survive with this shyness, and not try to suppress it.

• Low self-esteem

We very often meet adults who look impressive, but they have extremely low self-esteem. But all this has been going on since childhood, and even his parents may be to blame. A single carelessly dropped phrase can become deeply embedded in a child’s mind and prevent him from fully developing. So, for example, a mother may one day say to her daughter: “There’s no need to hang around in front of the mirror! You won’t see anything special there anyway!” And then the girl really begins to think that there is nothing special about her, that she is a little gray mouse that no one will ever pay attention to. Here you have an inferiority complex and low self-esteem. If a child is constantly “shut down” and told that he is bad, that he does not know how to do this, does not know how to do that, will never achieve anything and does not strive for anything, then in this case the parents themselves program him for this. And the baby begins to think that if his parents say this, it means that everyone around him knows about his shortcomings and everyone laughs at him - how can you be lively and cheerful after such thoughts?

• Physical disabilities

Another reason that does not depend on others is the child’s physical disabilities. This could be some disfiguring facial features, lameness, displacement of the vertebrae, tumors, cerebral palsy, and poor eyesight, as a result of which the child has to wear ridiculously strong glasses. All this will not give confidence even to an adult, let alone children. If physical disabilities are congenital, then for the first 2 years the child is unlikely to be embarrassed by them, because he does not yet understand that he is not like everyone else. But when he communicates more and more with his peers, and even more so when he goes to kindergarten, this is where the problems begin. Children do not like people who stand out, who are different, they become angry towards them, push them away, call them names, try to annoy them in every possible way, and are not friends with them. As a result, the baby almost becomes an outcast, he begins to be afraid of communication and other people, tries to be alone so that no one sees him or laughs at him. This is extremely painful for a little soul, and without the help of parents, the child will remain shy and closed to everyone.

• Pressure from educators and teachers

In every fifth family, children have conflicts with their kindergarten teachers or school teachers. And how could the child not please them? This could be personal hostility, or the child’s banal hyperactivity or silence. If the baby was initially a little shy, then the teacher’s unpleasant reprimands can completely frighten the child, and he will be timid even at home. An attentive parent will definitely notice such changes in the child’s behavior and will be forced to talk with the teacher or transfer the child to another group.

At school, a child may not show serious success, and as a result, he will hear unpleasant words addressed to him: “slow-witted,” “ignorant,” “mentally retarded,” “you won’t achieve anything in this life,” “lazy.” A child already frightened by the new society may completely withdraw into himself, become timid and fearful, especially if you support not the child, but the position of the teacher.

There can be two outcomes from such situations: the child will protest against such an attitude towards himself, or he will begin to think that he is really not worthy of recognition, that everyone only thinks that he is bad, that he is a loser. The child is afraid to approach his peers because he is sure in advance that they will not accept him; he is afraid to say anything at the blackboard because he is sure that unpleasant words will be directed at him again.

What does shyness lead to?

Many people are accustomed to thinking that a shy child will never reach the top in his life. But anything is possible, especially if parents can direct children’s timidity in the right direction.

• Positive outcome of shyness

If shyness did not come to the child as a result of ridicule and improper upbringing, but is simply an integral part of him, then there is nothing wrong with it. Such children are often soft, friendly, ready to help others, especially pets, and they have a kind, sympathetic heart. And even if they do not strive for the top, for parliamentary mandates, they can realize themselves as respectable individuals. Shy children never enter into conflicts, they try to hush everything up even at the stage of a quarrel, they try to listen and hear their opponent. It is for their sincerity and kindness that others begin to appreciate such children.

Of course, in the modern world, shyness is no longer such a significant character trait as it was 20 years ago, but even now, many guys like shy girls more than their fighting peers, and they create families with just such shy friends.

• Negative outcome of shyness

But often shyness in children appears as a result of unpleasant life situations and the negative attitude of others. In this case, parents need to be extremely sensitive and help the child increase his self-esteem, otherwise he may carry shyness throughout his life, never achieving success either in his career or in his personal life.

The child is embarrassed to go to the board, embarrassed to approach Santa Claus and tell him a poem in order to receive a gift, he even remains silent when he desperately wants a bright toy in the store. As a result, another schoolchild gets an A at the board, Santa Claus gives the gift to a more courageous child, and a toy is bought for his brother because he had the courage to ask his parents for it. The child deprives himself of many joys and achievements just because he is very embarrassed to take this small step. And in the future, he will be shy before the first declaration of love, and his potential soul mate may simply be taken away from under his nose.

And what is most offensive for parents is to see that the child is not only embarrassed, but also accepts all the blows of fate and failures for granted. Since childhood, the kid has become accustomed to the fact that he can’t do anything, that he is not worthy of everything that others have, and he simply comes to terms with it.

How to overcome a child's shyness?

Every parent worries about the future of their child; we want them to be successful, find themselves in this life and never know troubles. And almost all of us are sure that shyness will not become a faithful assistant in the lives of our children. What should we do with it? How to overcome a child’s shyness without destroying his individuality? But the main thing is not to eradicate this timidity, but to understand whether it needs to be done at all. Perhaps, by fighting your child’s shyness, you will only withdraw him into yourself even more, so make attempts to “re-educate” him, but very carefully weigh the results and successes of your baby.

• If your child has already begun to be shy, do not scold him for it, especially do not say the phrases “why are you shy, like a muslin young lady, look how lively your classmates are” in the presence of these same friends or other children. This way you will only develop an even greater inferiority complex in the child, you will disgrace him, and now the child will certainly not speak to anyone, because he will think that everyone will laugh at him;
• In order to become at least a little more relaxed, the child needs to communicate, and it is the parents who should help him with this. Invite your friends and your child’s friends to visit you more often. If your baby does not make contact, communicate with him, talk with others and be sure to ask what your child thinks about it. Of course, the baby will be shy and may simply bury his head in your hair, but confidential words and physical contact (stroking the head, holding your hand) should help the child feel safe. Tell your child about the people who should come to you so that the child can get to know them in absentia;
• If you scold a child, be sure to tell him that he can do better, that you are confident in his abilities, and he just needs to try a little. Give the child aspiration, and do not humiliate him with words that he is ignorant, knows nothing and cannot do anything;
• What should parents do if their child is embarrassed by his obvious shortcomings? Even if the baby has physical disabilities, you should not constantly feel sorry for him and pretend that no one notices. From childhood, a child needs to know that he is not like everyone else, but you must fill his life with such love and care so that the child understands that you can live with these shortcomings, and you can earn friends with your openness and friendliness. Be sure to prepare your child for what awaits him outside the walls of his home, that he may be offended and teased. But you must teach your child to be persistent and love life only for what you are in this life. Teach your child to be sociable and not take it all so personally. Of course, this is not easy, but without your help and support, the baby may completely lose his zeal for life;
• Increase your child’s low self-esteem: praise him for the slightest successes, and even if something doesn’t work out for him, always offer your help and say that you believe in him and are confident in his strengths and successes;
• Teach your child to treat even failures with humor and try again, and not give up after the first failure;
• If you notice that your child is very afraid and embarrassed to try something new, especially if it goes against the rules, do it with him. Do you see that your little one is staring at your new shoes, but is embarrassed to ask you to try them on? Invite her to try on all your shoes together, let her wear lipstick for the holiday. Let something forbidden become accessible to the child, and then, perhaps, he will stop being so afraid of everything new;
• If you notice inappropriate behavior of a teacher or educator in relation to your child for a long time, think about changing the group, kindergarten, class or school, otherwise your child’s psyche may be disrupted.

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Parents encounter this character trait of their children most often in situations when they go on a visit with them or receive guests at home. The baby becomes timid at the sight of strangers, clings to his mother, and does not answer adults’ questions. Shyness can manifest itself especially clearly in kindergarten, where the child has to communicate with different teachers, respond in class, and perform at holidays. Sometimes such children are embarrassed to approach a group of peers and do not dare to join in their play. As a rule, shyness manifests itself most clearly in those activities that are new to the baby. He feels insecure, embarrassed to show his ineptitude, afraid to admit it, to ask for help. In general, a shy child treats other people kindly, including strangers, wants to communicate with them, but at the same time experiences great internal tension. It manifests itself in nervous movements, a state of emotional discomfort, fear of turning to an adult, or expressing one’s desires. Sometimes such a child does not respond to requests at all or answers in monosyllables, very quietly, even in a whisper. A characteristic feature of a shy child’s communication is its intermittency and cyclical nature: problems with communication can be overcome for a time when he feels free and relaxed, and arise again in the event of any difficulties. Observations show that shyness that arises in early childhood most often persists throughout preschool age. But it manifests itself especially clearly in the fifth year of life. At this age, children develop a need for respect from adults. The child reacts sharply to comments, is offended by jokes or irony addressed to him, during this period he especially needs praise and approval. So parents and educators need to behave especially carefully and sensitively towards a shy child.

Inner peace and intelligence

The area of ​​feelings in a shy child is vulnerable. He is not inclined to express emotions, and when the need arises, he becomes timid and withdraws into himself. The child simultaneously experiences both a desire to behave at ease and a fear of spontaneous manifestations of feelings. This even shows up in the game. A shy child is characterized by the desire to protect the space of his personality, his inner world from outside interference. He is embarrassed by situations in which attention is drawn to him, when he has to say something about himself. Such a child strives to withdraw into himself, dissolve among others, and become invisible. It has long been noted that shyness is not related to the child’s abilities or the level of his intellectual development. Shy children cope with various types of tasks as well as others and yet behave in a special way when performing them. The slightest reproach from the teacher can cause a surge of timidity and embarrassment in them, slow down the activity, and sometimes lead to its cessation. These guys are more careful in their actions and statements, less persistent in achieving results than their peers. This behavior is due to the fact that shy children are constantly focused on evaluating their actions. They react acutely and affectively to comments, and with age, from about five years old, they develop a paradoxical attitude towards praise: the approval of an adult often causes an ambivalent feeling of joy and embarrassment. But it’s not just the assessment of others that confuses a shy child. He behaves the same way when he himself expects failure in his activity, and in case of difficulties he timidly looks into the eyes of an adult, not daring to ask for help. Sometimes, overcoming internal tension, a shy child smiles embarrassedly and quietly says: “It’s not working.” Often such guys seem to prepare themselves for failure in advance. Therefore, you can often hear the words from them: “I won’t succeed.” Embarrassment can also arise after successfully solving a problem. The child rejoices at his luck, but does not dare to say about it. Thus, the main difficulties in a shy child’s communication with other people lie in the area of ​​his attitude towards himself and the attitude of other people towards him. It is traditionally believed that shy children have low self-esteem, that they think poorly of themselves. However, experiments have shown that this is not entirely true. As a rule, a shy child considers himself to be very good, that is, he has the most positive attitude towards himself as a person. The problem lies elsewhere. He often imagines that others treat him worse than he treats himself. With age, shy children tend to develop a gap in their assessment of themselves and other people. They continue to rate themselves highly from their own point of view, but lower and lower from the point of view of adults - parents and educators. Moreover, most often, teachers’ ratings turn out to be much lower than parents’. This largely explains their shy behavior in kindergarten classes. Doubt about the positive attitude of other people towards themselves brings disharmony into the child’s sense of self, causing him to suffer from doubts about the value of his “I”. Everything that such a child does is checked by him through the attitude of others. Excessive anxiety about one’s “I” often obscures the content of one’s activities. He is focused not so much on what he does, but on how adults will appreciate him. A shy child has a special structure of the need-motivational sphere: personal motives are always the main ones, overshadowing both cognitive and business ones.

How to help your child cope with shyness?

Talk about your love

Perhaps the most important thing is to raise the child’s self-esteem in that part that is associated with his perception of other people’s attitude towards him. Adults should analyze their attitude towards the child. Of course, mom and dad love him, but do they always express this feeling? Do you often tell him about your love? Maybe he lacks parental support? Often adults pay attention to their children only when they do something wrong; the achievements and good deeds of children sometimes go unnoticed. And shy children need support much more than their non-shy peers. And they value this support more because they can deeply feel a good attitude and calm down when it manifests itself. Without satisfying these needs, the child does not form the foundation of his development: trust in people, which allows him to actively and fearlessly enter the world around him. Adults must learn to be attentive to the child not only if he asks for help, but also when, at first glance, he does not need it. What does this support consist of? These are a variety of ways to approve of what the baby is doing. The main thing is to demonstrate to him that his efforts and successes are noticed and appreciated positively. For example, when you see a child building a building out of blocks, you can turn to him: “Are you probably building a garage for a car? You’re doing a good job.” And if you notice how the baby persistently tries to put on and fasten the boots, it doesn’t hurt to praise him: “You tried so hard to put on the boots, and you did it. Wonderful!” The next task is to help the child increase self-esteem in specific activities - in class and in his free time. A shy kid is afraid of a negative assessment, but this does not mean that he does not need an assessment at all. It’s good if adults, when doing something with him or giving him some task, say that they are confident in his success, but are ready to help if something doesn’t work out. If a child is too focused on evaluation and this slows down his actions, it is better for adults to try to distract him from the evaluation side of the activity. Here we will use game techniques and humor, which should be aimed not at the child, but at the situation as a whole. For example, if a child is unable to assemble a pyramid or a figurine from a construction set, you can make them “animate” and endow them with a harmful character that prevents the baby from completing the task. It’s good to talk to your child on behalf of the character you came up with together, to role-play a funny situation.

Break the rules a little

It should be remembered that shy children are often very cautious and afraid of everything new. They are more committed to following rules than their unshy peers and are afraid to break them. Thus, in experiments by psychologists, shy children never agreed to draw a picture with lipstick on a piece of paper, while other kids did it cheerfully and boldly. Shy children have a greater internal prohibition on actions and actions that are condemned by adults, and this can inhibit their initiative and creative expression. Therefore, parents of these kids should think about whether they too often limit the child’s freedom, his spontaneity and curiosity. Maybe sometimes it's okay to break the rules? Flexible behavior will help the child get rid of the fear of punishment and excessive constraint. In the end, instead of expensive and fashionable lipstick, you can give your little one an old and unnecessary one. And if you feel sorry for the wallpaper, a piece of it left over from renovation or an ordinary sheet of paper will do. You can lay it out on the floor and paint a big picture together. By the way, if the baby draws not only with a pencil and a brush, but also with a finger, or even with the whole palm, this will only benefit him. Such exercises are good for relieving emotional stress.

Play together!

It is equally important to help the child learn to freely express his emotions, desires, and feelings. Shy children often act shy, especially when others are looking at them. Specially organized games will help them relieve internal tension and feel free. It is believed that hide-and-seek and blind man's buff are entertainments in which only children participate, and they allegedly overstimulate children. This is not true. Outdoor games, and even together with adults, help children express their emotions and activate vital energy, establish more direct relationships with others. Games - competitions (skittles, ball, archery with suction cups, overcoming obstacles, wrestling and other fun), which are accompanied by loud exclamations and laughter, will also help a shy child feel more confident. When organizing such games, it is better to create a situation of success for the child (so that he does not feel like a loser or behind), and then praise him for his courage and dexterity, and express the joy of playing together. Emotionally direct interaction mitigates excessive fear of failure, reproach and prohibitions. The emancipation of the emotional sphere and better mastery of the language of emotions are well facilitated by pantomime games, such as “Guess the Emotion”, “We won’t tell you where we were, but we’ll show you what we did”, “Forfeits” and others. It is advisable that several adults and children participate in them. In such games, an emotionally positive atmosphere is created, internal psychological barriers are overcome, friendly, direct relationships are established between children and adults. Adults often try to explain to a shy child that there is no need to be afraid of people, they persuade him to perform in front of guests or at a party in kindergarten. Such direct influence is ineffective. The baby shrinks all over, cannot utter a word, hides and begins to fear public situations even more. A much more effective method of combating shyness is fantasy games, in which various characters are endowed with the traits of the child himself, and situations are close to those that particularly excite him, cause anxiety or fear. Such games help the child to look at his difficulties from the outside, to understand that other children also have them, and to gain experience in resolving them. Imagination games can take the form of a story about a girl or boy who live in the same circumstances, find themselves in different life situations and find a way out of them. Children are often ashamed, and sometimes simply do not know how to talk about their problems, and by listening or writing a story about another child, attributing their experiences to him, they become more open to talking about themselves. Before playing such made-up stories with your baby, adults should learn a few rules:

1. Consider which situations are most difficult for your child. Tune in to the wave of his feelings and experiences. Look at the problem through the eyes of a child.
2. Think about the plot of the story. What thoughts would you like to convey to your child, what specific advice would you give him?
3. Start a story about a fictional girl or boy by describing details of their life that are similar to the life of a child (for example, the boy lives in the same house, he has the same brother or sister, the same dog or bird). The name of the fictional character should not directly coincide with the name of the child, but may have some similarity in sound. Describe his experiences in a specific situation in as much detail as possible. For example, if a child is often embarrassed to join his peers in games, you can write a story about a boy who was afraid that children would think he was stupid, ugly, clumsy and would laugh. Because of this, the kid was afraid to look the guys in the eyes, he spoke very quietly, and did not know how to ask them to take him into the game.
4. As the story progresses, ask your child for additions so that he becomes a participant in the problem and situation being discussed. Ask him questions about what else the hero thought, how you could help him.
5. Then introduce a character who will become the child's assistant in resolving internal conflict. It could be mom, dad, older brother or sister, a good wizard. Come up with a dialogue between the baby and the assistant in which they will discuss different ways of behavior and then apply them in life. Consider children's comments on the story. Involve your child in finding a solution. Try to make him an active participant and co-author of the story.
6. The invented story must have a positive outcome.
7. After you discuss the behavior of the fictional character together, observe the behavior of the shy child in real situations in his life, check whether the game influenced him. Try to make sure that the story continues depending on the child’s behavior.
8. Try to make the story lively and witty, introduce more dialogues of various characters into it, fill it with fairy-tale elements.

In addition to inventing stories, it is good to organize dramatization games with children. Their characters can be familiar fairy tale heroes and animals. Alternately playing together with adults the roles of a scary wolf and a timid bunny, a cunning fox and a little mouse, a brave boy and a shy girl, the child will involuntarily find in them echoes of his own life and learn to deal with his fears and anxieties. It’s good if parents and their child make masks for such games, with their help it will be easier for him to get into the role, to “hide.” An effective way to alleviate fear of public situations is to organize games with other children. For example, you can play “kindergarten” with several of your child’s friends, where children and an adult take turns playing the roles of a teacher and children who need to speak in front of others, for example, recite a poem or compose a story based on a picture. Shy children hesitate to start an answer for a long time; they speak slowly, hesitantly and quietly. Gradually, time limits can be introduced into the game, and exercises on loudness and expressiveness of speech can be included. Let's give an example of one of them.

"Quick answers".

This game relieves inhibitions that arise from unexpected questions and develops resourcefulness and ingenuity. You can play it both at home and while walking. The playing space is pre-divided into two parts by objects. In one of them there is an adult, in the other there are several children standing nearby. The presenter asks each child in turn questions that are easy for them and waits for an answer, counting out loud: 1-2-3 (you can ask the child what his name is, how old he is, who his friend is, what color the crocodile is). Children can answer questions in any way they want - both seriously and jokingly. You can ask the following questions: “Why are frogs jumping?”, “Why is the ice cream cold?”, “Why is the crocodile green?” With any appropriate answer, the child takes a step forward. Thus, the answerer is ahead of other children. The leader should quietly guide the game so as to prevent the kids from being too ahead or behind. Particular attention should be paid to a shy child, helping him to move in line with others. It is necessary to create such conditions so that he will definitely win at least once. Success among peers and adults inspires you, makes you believe in yourself and become more confident. When all the children succeed, the adult invites each of them to act as a leader.

Another version of the game is “Ball in a Circle”.

Participants in the game - adults and children - stand in a circle and throw the ball to each other. Condition: before throwing the ball, the one holding it in his hands must look into the eyes of the person to whom he is about to throw it and say any word that comes to mind, for example, “hold”, “catch”, “on” , "bunny". For older children, you can complicate the game by asking them to name only colors or items of clothing, furniture, and dishes. This game also relieves the stress of having to quickly find the answer. Perhaps a shy child evokes more sympathy among the adults around him than an overly lively and playful one. But parents need to think about the future of their child. After all, if shyness in early childhood prevents him from communicating and developing normally, what service will this trait serve in adulthood? Of course, with desire and certain volitional efforts, a person can cope with his shyness himself. But this will be much more difficult to do than in childhood, when the baby has the right to count on the help and support of his parents.

Surely you have at least once seen parents literally forcing their child to recite a poem in an unfamiliar company or sing a song to Santa Claus at a New Year's party. And, of course, you couldn’t help but pay attention to the child himself - downtrodden, with frightened little eyes, trying to quickly hide behind someone’s broad back. Or maybe you yourself make such mistakes in relation to your baby? Yes, yes, by wanting to, you are making a grave mistake, expressed in harsh treatment of someone who, on the contrary, needs affection, understanding and care.

According to scientific research, about 42% of children from 3 to 7 years old are shy. How to liberate a child without causing a blow to his unformed child’s psyche?

Shyness often manifests itself when the parents of such a child receive guests or go to visit their child. When seeing an abundance of unfamiliar or unfamiliar people, the baby develops uncertainty, embarrassment, and a desire to simply evaporate or disappear somewhere. He doesn’t answer adults’ questions, he clings to his mother or just sits in the corner.

A shy child shows himself most clearly in kindergarten, when he is afraid to approach a group of peers, get involved in a game, or ask for a toy. Classes and holidays in kindergarten become hard labor for such children - because he has to sing, dance, perform, and somehow express himself. That is, do what he is afraid of. After all, shy children are always afraid of doing something wrong, seeming stupid or funny, or asking for something. Usually their voice is slurred, their facial expressions and movements are artificial and nervous.

It is wrong to assume that a shy child does not want to communicate. On the contrary, he really wants it - and that is why he is very tense and afraid of doing something wrong, so that he will not be denied this communication. Shy children treat others kindly, but do not make contact; they answer in monosyllables, so they may seem like arrogant “beeches.” All this is a consequence of self-doubt and very low self-esteem.

The fact is that all shy children very keenly notice their shortcomings, and often invent imaginary complexes for themselves. But they, on the contrary, do not notice their merits or do not attach much importance to them. As a result of all this, such children, of course, are sensitive to any criticism, avoid all contacts, considering themselves worse than others. Such children find it difficult to make various kinds of decisions; they lack initiative and cannot defend themselves.

If shyness is not overcome, then it will later result in huge problems in life and complexes, which will be aggravated by the feeling of unrealized opportunities, because they noticed not him, but the one who is more active.

Reasons for Shyness

It has long been proven that shyness has nothing to do with a child’s mental or intellectual abilities. And in general, people are not born shy, they become shy. How? Now we will list the factors that form shyness in a preschool child.

1. Strict family control

If in a family a child is the object of constant control, he usually grows up to be a downtrodden, helpless “quiet one.” If any manifestation of his activity and curiosity is curbed with the phrases: “Don’t touch”, “Don’t go there”, “Don’t do that”, “Sit still” - then, of course, all the beginnings of independence in him are rapidly melting away. The same category includes children from families where parents, in fact, do not care about their child, and the only thing they require of him is to sit quietly and not cause concern to his parents.

In such a situation, it is necessary to pacify your “commander inclinations” and begin to follow the principle: “If you can’t, but really want to, then you can!” Does your child want to draw on the wallpaper? Let him draw, but not on pasted ones, but on an old roll. Does your child want to run through puddles? Let him put it on and go ahead! Think for yourself: if you demand perfect obedience from a child, can you then blame him for lack of initiative, shyness and timidity?

2. Heredity

If parents are uncommunicative, and it is customary in the family to “be afraid of people” and strive to protect themselves and the baby from all the world’s troubles, it is not surprising that the child will grow up to be just as withdrawn. In addition, such parents tend to blame the whole world for being unkind to their child. Of course, in the end the baby will be afraid of everyone and everything! After all, when in winter everyone goes to New Year's shows or rides down the slide, he sits at home, because “in winter, in crowded places, you can catch terrible viruses, and while riding down the slide, you can break your neck.” When everyone rides bicycles and climbs trees in the summer, he walks quietly along the side of the road, “so that he doesn’t get hit by crazy cyclists,” and riding a bike or climbing trees is “very dangerous, because you can break your leg, neck, or arm”! Of course, communication between such children and people will take place at a distance of “at least 5 meters,” as a result of which the child will have absolutely no communication skills. And sitting at home forever or taking leisurely walks will not have the best effect on his physical development.

In this case, parents must overcome themselves and their fear for the “child” - and allow him to ride a bike, go to shows, communicate with children, and bring them to visit. If things get really difficult, valerian will always come to the rescue!

3. Parent activists

The other extreme of parenting is overly active and sociable parents who always have a lot of guests in the house and who easily make new acquaintances. Of course, they simply cannot understand how their child could be different from them. And such parents liberate their child in a very straightforward manner: they sign up for acting classes, a ballet school, and force their friends (of whom there can be up to 5 a week) to recite poems, sing and dance at every meeting. And, naturally, activist parents accompany all their body movements with the phrases: “Is it so difficult to say “Hello”???”, “Can’t you ask for a toy and a boy Petya?” etc. Of course, for choleric parents everything is as simple as shelling pears, but for a melancholic child, even just looking into the eyes of a stranger is considered a feat.

In this case, parents should moderate their ambitions and recognize the child’s right to individual character traits. And instead of acting courses, it is better to enroll him in a cutting and sewing, knitting, sports section, etc. If your child has a conflict with his peers, try not to take on the functions of an “arbiter of fate” like: “Now dad will go and sort it out,” but still limit yourself to giving advice to your child on how to resolve this or that situation. In addition, your function as a mediator will be good when you loudly tell your opponent what your baby muttered quietly, without accompanying it with your own comments.

4. Intelligent environment

If your child is a standard illustration of a “bespectacled nerd with a book under his arm” in a jacket “made of natural materials a la the 50s”, and his grandmother is mainly involved in raising him, then it is not surprising that he is shy. Surely, at home he is instilled with a sophisticated culture, the habit of wearing everything “natural and high-quality in a non-staining color,” and not synthetic “parrot outfits.” And in kindergarten or school, when faced with real life, the child begins to be overwhelmed by conflicting feelings: after all, the children around wear synthetic “parrot outfits,” chew “deadly harmful” gum, play computer games that “destroy the brain” - and your child begins to I want the same thing! His internal attitudes come into conflict with his desires - which is incredibly difficult for a small child and provokes a wary attitude towards everything around him!

To make your baby happy, you need to change some of your attitudes. For example, you need to instill in your child that there are many opinions, and not the only correct opinion of his mother or grandmother: “Yes, Petya wears a bright Chinese synthetic T-shirt, and you wear a gray cotton one. Both are good and beautiful.” But still, it is advisable to make sure that the child does not stand out too much from the society of his peers. Therefore, maybe buying something harmful, but so tempting, will not be a tragedy?

5. Experienced stress

It also happens that a child’s shyness is a natural reaction to stress experienced in life: moving and transferring to another kindergarten or school, where the child began to be publicly humiliated, failures in relationships with peers, parental divorce or bullying at school.

You can help such a child only by talking and gradually removing the effects of stress from him. It may be necessary to consult a psychologist.

Overcoming Shyness

1. Don’t let anyone and don’t call your child timid or shy. The fact is that in this way you and those around you label your baby: “quiet”, “afraid of people”, “shy” - forcing him to behave accordingly.

2. Tell your child that you yourself were once shy - this will bring you closer and the child will gain confidence that you understand and support him. Tell him about how you overcame shyness, and whether it helped you in your life. Seeing a positive example in front of him, the child will be able to become more self-confident and overcome his own shyness.

3. Show your child that you love him, understand and sympathize with his problems. After all, very often shyness and self-doubt go hand in hand. It is necessary to make the baby more confident - and shyness will begin to disappear before our eyes. Notice any success that is more or less significant, praise him, including to others. Tell him that if the child fails at something, he can always count on your help. If a child makes a mistake, do not scold him under any circumstances, but simply try together to understand the reasons for this mistake and think about what needs to be done to prevent this from happening again. When you see that your baby is afraid of something, tell him that you are also sometimes afraid of the same thing (speaking in public, talking to a stranger) - this will help the baby open up to you and begin to freely discuss his problems with you.

4. Try playing noisy games at home. The goal of this idea should be to liberate the child so that he can let his emotions out. Don't be afraid of your neighbors' anger - let him run, stomp, knock on the walls - but, preferably, not at night! It is important that the child learns to show his emotions, which will greatly help him in games with peers.

5. Practice eye contact with your child. Explain to him that looking into the eyes of your interlocutor is very important, it immediately puts you at ease. First look into each other's eyes, then let him try to establish visual contact with other people. If at first it is very difficult for a child to do this, have him look at the bridge of his interlocutor’s nose. Don't forget to encourage him and show him that you believe in his success.

6. Discuss with your child the beauty of communication so that he understands what he is losing by sitting silently in a corner. Tell him how you achieved something in life thanks to communication, describe to him in vivid colors how interesting it is to meet other people.

7. Play some communication scenes at home, for example, a scene of getting to know each other, starting a conversation, having a conversation. You can attract soft toys with which the child will “speak”, or you can play out communication with each other. The purpose of this idea is to prepare the child for real acquaintance and real conversation with peers.

8. Set goals for your child that he can achieve. But in any case, always assure him that in case of failure you will come to the rescue. You can start a special notebook where your child will mark his “small victories” with an asterisk every day: ask for a watering can in kindergarten, recite a poem to guests, sing a song at a matinee, meet a girl on the playground.

9. Every communication success should be rewarded. Never blame him for being shy - otherwise you will get the opposite effect, but always praise him for his sociability. This could be simple praise, buying ice cream or treating him to candy - anything - the main thing is that the baby knows that his successes are appreciated!

10. Don’t forget about ways to protect yourself from those who don’t really want to make contact. After all, a timid child is always afraid of his defenselessness, if they suddenly start calling him names and laughing at him. Therefore, in his arsenal of protective equipment there should be both a “strong word” and a “strong fist”. Do not forbid him to fight back (of course, with the caveat that being the first to get into a fight, and indeed settling disputes with your fists, is not very good). Teach your child to insert a “strong word” when necessary - that is, in response to insults by someone. No, no one is calling for teaching a five-year-old child to swear, but some humorous phrases will have no worse effect: “Leikin-Barmaleikin”, “Ivanov - no pants”, etc.

And one more blow “below the belt”, which is a good idea to teach a child - this is “bribery”. Don’t think anything criminal - we are just talking about treating children in kindergarten with candy, small gifts to friends or just cute peers in the form of stickers, chewing gum, etc. This will endear the kids to your child, and the “shy” one will feel important and needed.

And remember: shyness, of course, is not a very good quality, especially in the modern world. But this also has its advantages and benefits. Let's look at two situations where shyness is a good helper for a baby!

Imagine, kindergarten, one boy brought an incredible car to the group, just the dream of all children of our time! Of course, everyone surrounded the lucky one - in the timid hope of touching his dream. The timid “shy one” stays on the sidelines, not daring to approach... It seems, at first glance, that he is an unhappy child. But in fact, this is simply the wisest strategic move! While everyone is spinning around one toy for everyone, the rest of the hares, tigers, crocodiles, dolls, cars and even incredible children’s dishes are at the disposal of the “shy” one, and you can play with all of this to your heart’s content!

The second situation is played out in the doctor’s office, who for a good 20 minutes cannot get the little patient to open his mouth and say “ah-ah.” Did you think he was afraid? Not so! A stubborn child will stand his ground until a kind doctor gives him a wooden stick, a piece of an IV, a piece of cotton wool, a plunger from a syringe and... What else do you have of value? Ah, a mirror and stetskpf..., stetaskoff, ugh, listener, here!

And, of course, we should not forget that the look of a shy child, full of timid hope and prayer, will break the heart of even the strictest teacher like Miss Bok! Otherwise, why does Puss in Boots from “Shrek” so excite the hearts of millions? The main thing is that the little sly one does not abuse the use of this “weapon”!

There are times when parents try to protect their child from any contact. Such complete isolation from society leads to the fact that the child does not know how to get along with people or make friends with his peers. Quite often, a child’s shyness is explained by his habits, character and lifestyle of his parents.

There are mothers who are withdrawn, gloomy, uncommunicative, they are suspicious and highly anxious, they are afraid of everything - the street, infections, fights, bad influences, and thereby they set an example for their children. As a result, the child grows up amorphous and helpless. Remember, an anxious, nervous emotional atmosphere is very harmful for a child, because such situations can lead not only to the child’s shyness and timidity, but also to neuroses. Also, a timid and shy child grows up in families where they are very strict and demanding towards him.

How to teach a child not to be shy?

Quite often, mothers wonder: what if the child is shy? Is it possible to teach him not to be shy around others? First of all, the child must be taught to communicate, he must be able to play with other children, and also get along with other adults. To develop communication skills, it is necessary to frequently visit playgrounds, sandboxes, parks... After all, it is in such places that a child can smoothly transform from a passive observer into a fairly active participant in games.

Feel free to play with your child in the sandbox, try to organize a game there with the participation of several children, try to invite the child’s friends to visit. Never shame such a child, do not leave him alone in conflict situations, because children are sometimes very cruel, they not only quickly notice the weaknesses of other children, but also like to make fun of them. Never criticize your child for being shy; on the contrary, try to encourage and praise him more often. Quite often, parents make the mistake of discussing their child's shyness with other adults in his presence. He should hear only good things about himself from the outside.

If a child is constantly afraid that something will not work out for him, does not believe in his abilities, and often worries about this, is dissatisfied with his appearance or his achievements, then these are signals that the child needs help. You need to help him look for his positive sides, try in such situations to publicly evaluate the results of the child’s activities, his successes and simply personal qualities - neatness, for example.

At the same time, you can overcome your child’s shyness with the help of various trainings, organizing situations where your child can try his hand. Here you need to follow the principle “from the simplest to the most complex”; first you need to give easy tasks that your child will certainly be able to cope with. For example, you can ask your child to buy something on his own in a store, or help set the table at home if you are expecting guests. With such actions you will emphasize that the child can cope with assignments on his own. Thus, the child will accumulate positive experience of behavior in different situations. The main cure for shy children is warmth, attention and affection from their parents. Treat your child with respect as an adult, but at the same time remember that he is still a child.

My son is terribly stressed. They advise me to send him to the sports section. Do you think this will help him loosen up?

Shy children (and apparently, this is exactly the kind of child we are talking about) are often very uptight, tense, and clumsy. Their faces are inexpressive, their voices are dull, sometimes even muffled. Many parents enroll shy sons and daughters in some sports section, hoping that this will help them loosen up. But, as a rule, such attempts end in failure. The character of such children is completely non-competitive, and the situation of rivalry only traumatizes them, and strict discipline, without which sports is impossible, further suppresses the already suppressed will of a shy child. The situation is no better with ballroom dancing, which many mothers rely on. Especially for boys! After all, nowadays, even if you want to, ballroom dancing cannot be classified as a prestigious male activity. This is not karate or taekwondo.

The shy little boy is already worried that he is “like a girl” (fortunately, both adults and children will not fail to remind him of this once again!), but here he is also forced to do “girly things.” Of course, a child with a suppressed will often does not risk grumbling and obediently goes to dance class, so parents may even get the impression that he goes there with pleasure. But I assure you, this is not what he dreams about in the silence before bed.

It is better to go from simple to complex. First, work on liberating your baby yourself: try to ease the pressure, praise the child more and criticize the child less, start outdoor games more often, laugh with him, joke, fool around. Laughter perfectly relieves internal tension.

Pantomime is very useful. Remember the game familiar to all of us from childhood: “We won’t tell you where we were, but we’ll show you what we did.” Another good exercise is guessing emotions. Only he needs to be properly motivated, since such children are usually embarrassed by their faces and are ashamed to make faces in public. And this exercise may seem like an antics to them. Therefore, you must take an active role and lead by example. Turn everything into an interesting game with very simple rules: the host shows some emotion with his facial expressions, and the players name it and try to reproduce it. Whoever completes the task first gets a point.

Start with easy-to-guess emotions: surprise, fear, joy, anger, sadness. They need to be shown in an exaggerated way, even caricatured. Gradually expand the range of feelings, introduce different shades of emotions (say, irritation, indignation, anger, rage). Older children can be given the task of not only guessing emotions, but also acting out a small scene impromptu (either with dolls or “live”), in which these emotions would be reflected.

- My six-year-old daughter is very shy. How can I help her make contacts with guys?

First of all, we must try to understand why the child is shy. And in general, is this shyness? Or maybe the child is immersed in his own world and the company of other children and does not really need it? (This is called autism, and there is a special conversation about it). Often shy children, avoiding adults, find contact with other children quite well, although perhaps not very quickly. But there are boys and girls who have a serious barrier when communicating with their peers. As a rule, this is due to fear of ridicule. And often justified! Among children who prefer solitude, many stutter severely or have some kind of noticeable disability. But, of course, there are many cases when even seemingly quite prosperous children shun their peers, preferring to tinker with the kids or play alone. This does not mean at all that such “privyuks” do not really need friendship. How necessary! It’s just that some are too closed and don’t share their experiences, while others don’t even dream of what seems impossible to them.

Convincing: “Don’t be shy! No one will laugh at you” in such cases is pointless (especially since many children with severe stuttering react painfully even to indirect mention of their deficiency). It's like forcing someone to take part in a concert when they can't even play anything on the piano with just one finger. No, of course, encouragement is necessary, but you still need to first teach the person something, give him the necessary skills and abilities.

Shy children should never be forced to meet other children. Especially out loud. For them, this is an extra shame, another mental trauma. It’s better for you to get to know the kids yourself and involve them in the game, which your child will then somehow unnoticed join in. Or, on the contrary, start a game with him, but in such a way that other kids can take part in it if they want. Joint activities bring people together much faster. We know this from ourselves. Even adults find it easier to get along with a stranger when they are united not by words, but by deeds. What can we say about a child who, in general, still has a rather poor command of speech and is often lost, unable to come up with a topic for conversation! It is useful to practice dating techniques at home in scenes with dolls, and then (and only with the child’s consent!) transfer this to reality.

Take a closer look at your son or daughter’s potential friends and tactfully lead him away from those with whom friendship will be more like slavery, because shy children often become psychologically dependent on stronger and more powerful guys). And vice versa, welcome calm children who can play together for a long time and prefer to have a peaceful conversation rather than find out who is the best. Invite them home, even if the apartment conditions do not really allow you to receive guests. Consider this as a preventative measure.

After all, medications - and shy children very often develop neuroses at school age that have to be treated - will cost you much more later.

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