How to teach a child to respect his parents? Education of obedience. How to teach a child to respect elders: advice for parents And if you failed to do it on time

I think that all parents dream that their children fulfill our requests, that they listen to our opinion and know that if we talk about something, then this is really useful and necessary information.

But very often we are faced with the fact that when we say something to a child, even if he hears us, he very rarely reacts. And if he reacts, then for the tenth, hundredth time.

What to do? How to build such a relationship so that children respect us and consider us an authority, listening to our opinion? Read the article obedient child in 10 steps.

1. Respect your child

No phrases like “You are so and so!”, “Only people like you!”, “How can you?!”, “Look at others!” and other things that may affect your child's personality.

The human brain is designed in such a way that if someone insults us, respect for this person automatically disappears, and it is almost impossible to hear and perceive the information that the person who insulted us says.

In fact, this is a protective function of the brain. If someone tells us something bad about us, we stop considering this person an authority. And accordingly, all the value of his words disappears for us.

2. Be a source of interesting information

70% interesting, educational, new and only 30% adjustments and some kind of moralizing.

It is very important that if you want you to become an authority for your child, and he will truly voluntarily listen to your opinion, you must keep up with the times. Your child must understand that he can turn to you in any situation, that you can always give advice, and that you have the information he needs.

If you see that his focus is decreasing, know that you have gone too far in moralizing and in some information that is not very attractive to him. Return again to interesting information, return to what will help you build your relationship with your child and, accordingly, naturally achieve obedience and respect for you.

3. Lead by example, don't be unfounded

It is very important that your words do not diverge from your actions.

I think that if you see any person who declares some very important truths to the public, but then you find out that he lives completely differently, your respect and trust in him will drop very sharply.

The same thing happens with our children. If a mother talks for a very long time, with instructions, about how bad it is to say bad words, and then the child sees that the mother uses these words in a conversation with someone or on the street while driving when she was cut off, then he understands that not everyone What mom or dad says is important, not everything is worth following because mom, while telling me one thing, herself acts differently.

The classic situation is when parents smoke and the child is told that smoking is not allowed. I'm not talking about coming and smoking a cigarette in front of him.

But if your child has grown to the age when he asks you: “Mom, is smoking bad?” you tell him: “That’s bad!” If he asks: “Mom, do you smoke?”, then a much better effect would be to say: “You know, this is really a huge problem for me. I smoke - it's very bad. I have such and such consequences, and I really hope that you will never do this!”

4. Don't ask rhetorical questions

A very common situation that I, unfortunately, also encountered at the birth of my first child.

When we enter the room, and toys are scattered there again, or when we come to school, and there again the teacher says that he was not prepared for the lesson, or did something wrong, or did not do his homework as needed. to do, and not because there was no time. But because I simply didn’t consider it necessary.

And the parent in such a situation begins to say: “How many times can I tell you!”, “When will this finally end?”, “I’ve already told you 180 times!”, “All children are like children, and you!”, “ Why are you behaving like this?”, “Will this ever end or will it not end?!”

What should a small child answer when someone comes to him with such a proposal? “Mom, you’ve told me this 25 times already! On the 26th time I realized that I won’t do this again and it won’t happen again!”

But this is not real, is it?

Often, if a mother comes into a room and it’s not tidy, and she starts saying: “Again, the toys are scattered, again, things are lying around in the closet!”, while she says all this, she collects it all herself. Because the child, focusing on these rhetorical questions that do not require an answer from him because he does not understand what to say, he misses all further information.

Moreover, he understands that mom can talk just for the sake of talking. And again, our words become just a background for him. He only hears these first phrases, and further concentration of attention drops completely.

It is much better, if you want to achieve results, to speak in clear and understandable sentences: “I want you to clean the room. I will be pleased, please do this and that!”

Don't be afraid that these will seem like authoritarian phrases. These are clear and understandable guidelines for what we want to achieve from our children. If you say them politely, it is much clearer and much more realistic for children to understand what their parents actually want from them.

I want to reveal another secret that the same formula will help women communicate better with their men because very often, if we also start asking our men such rhetorical questions - how many times should I tell you? - They, just like children, don’t hear us.

5. Don't expect the impossible

Do not demand that your child, after your first request, fulfill all orders and tasks with lightning speed, and simply obey you after the first word.

We are not soldiers, and our children are not soldiers either.

Moreover, I want to say that the brain of a small person under 14 years old is for sure! - is designed in such a way that if he is busy with something - he reads, he watches some program, he draws something, or he just sits and thinks about something - then his concentration on everything else drops greatly.

Indeed, a child who is really doing something may not hear us. While in us this causes a very strong reaction, some kind of resentment, and in the end we repeat it once, twice.

When we lose our temper and shout, this irritating factor is very strong, the child flinches, reacts, starts doing something, and in the end it seems to us - a standard phrase for many mothers - “You only need to shout at you in order to you did it!"

It is much better if you see that your child is busy with something, go up and touch him. Such a tactile touch, tactile appeal to the child immediately draws attention to you.

You come up, pat him on the shoulder or head, hug him and say: “Please do this or that!” - the reaction to such an appeal will be much faster, much more willing, and the child will really understand what you want from him.

6. Don't manipulate feelings

When a mother, trying to force a child to act in one way or another, wants to arouse his pity, or, as we usually say, awaken his conscience, telling him that “...dad works two jobs, I’m spinning like a squirrel in a wheel, still a little brother, don’t you see how hard it is for us? Can’t you do your basic work – do your homework?”

Note to moms!

Hello girls) I didn’t think that the problem of stretch marks would affect me too, and I’ll also write about it))) But there’s nowhere to go, so I’m writing here: How did I get rid of stretch marks after childbirth? I will be very glad if my method helps you too...

Unfortunately, very often all this is also mixed with a feeling of guilt, which parents try, perhaps not even consciously, to evoke in the child, saying that “...we are doing this for you, dad is working hard to get you into a good institute.” entered!"

What's happening? A small person cannot cope with feelings of guilt. He doesn’t yet understand how important it is that dad goes to work so that he can have something there in the future. He lives here and now, he is not able to bear and somehow regret or somehow, perhaps, accept all the pain that the parent experiences, all the severity of his life or some issues.

And the child unconsciously begins to move away. His psyche begins to defend itself from what could destroy it. How is the psyche protected? Ignorance, reluctance to communicate, lack of any contact. When we ask, “How are you?” - "Fine!"

Therefore, if you want to achieve some things from your children, tell them honestly and without unnecessary emotions that “I need your help now.” “I would be very pleased if you could help me.” “I can’t cope without you now!” “If you can, I will be very grateful to you!”

Such things are much more effective than if we try to put pressure on pity and cause some kind of feeling of guilt from our children.

7. Don't use threats

Sometimes, if our children don’t do something right away, and time is running out, or we have repeated it tenth or twentieth time, many parents resort to threatening: “If you don’t do it now!” or “If you don’t shut up in the store now, I don’t know what I’ll do to you!” “I’ll give you this... When we come home, you’ll get it from me!”

What happens? It turns out that children, who should naturally see their parents as guardianship, care and protection, begin to see us as a threat and act out of fear.

I don't think any parent wants to have a relationship with their children that is based on fear. Because if our children's obedience is based on fear, it will only ever lead to 2 things:

1. This is that sooner or later there will be a rebellion, and at the age of 14 we will receive the full program of absolute ignorance, snapping, and rudeness from children. We will wonder where they come from? But this is all the spring that we compressed with such threats, disrespect, and some kind of aggressive behavior towards children.
2. Or the second point - if we pressed hard, and our child was not so strong emotionally at this age, then we simply broke him.

In this case, he will respond not only to our threats and succumb to them, but also to the threats of any people on the street. He will not be able to stand up for himself because his function of defending his opinion and his desires will simply be broken.

If you need to achieve something, it is better to offer cooperation, some other alternative to threats.

Let’s say, “You do this now, mom can buy butter at the store, and we’ll make cookies with you!” or “If you help me now, then I will be happy to collect toys with you later and we can play something together!”

It’s even better if we offer some kind of barter. For some reason, many people don’t like this scheme, but in fact it’s not scary that we offer the child a trip to the cinema or some gifts in return. It is important that in the end, if we achieve what we want, the parent focuses not on the gift, but on what the child did.

He performed some action, tell him: “I am so pleased!” “It was so great!” “You did it after all.” “You did so well—much better than I could have ever expected!”

If we act in this way, then over time the child will understand that pleasing you also gives him pleasure, and no additional mechanisms will be needed.

8. Be grateful

Very often we take the good deeds of our children for granted, especially if they have already grown out of very early childhood.

In fact, it turns out that if he does something - a good grade, or he succeeded in something, or he folded the toys himself, made the bed - there is no reaction. The child sees a reaction from his parents only when he has done something wrong.

What happens? Children's natural need is to please us. Why? Because through the reaction of parents to themselves, the child forms his attitude towards himself. Through this reaction, differentiation occurs as a person. If he hears only negative things from us, this feeling of himself as an individual - self-confidence, the desire to be good, the understanding that you are important to someone, that they love you, it is not filled.

In the future, the child can fill out this function in other places: on the street, in some company, where it will be easy for someone to say: “You are so great!” And then for this “Well done” he will be ready to do anything.

Therefore, thank your children, say thank you to them, and do not be afraid that this will happen often.

I'm not talking about putting you on a chair and clapping your hands for every spoonful of porridge you eat. But what I am saying is that it is worth noticing the little things that our children do every day because in fact, what seems ordinary to us is often hard work for another person.

9. Remember what you want to achieve

Always remember what you want to achieve by saying this or that phrase to your child. Ask yourself – what kind of reaction am I expecting? Why am I going to say this now?

If you ask yourself about this, then in many cases you will understand that you are going to say this phrase solely in order to throw out your negativity, your irritation, your fatigue.

As we have already said before, doing this to a person who is younger than you, whose psyche is still much more touching and much weaker than yours, is simply unacceptable.

Therefore, if you can always ask yourself such a question, I am sure you will avoid many conflict situations and will not say very many words that you would not like to say.

This formula sometimes seems like just some kind of pipe dream. This is a skill - the ability to ask yourself such a question is truly a skill. When you learn to do this, it will help you not only in communicating with your children. This will help you in communicating at work, in communicating with your husband.

Before each phrase, you can take a breath inside yourself and ask: “This reaction now - what will it lead to? What do I want to achieve?

Often this question, like a cold shower, relieves our irritation and we understand that at this stage we do not want to behave in the best way, which gives us the opportunity to choose the right strategy for behavior and communication with our children.

10. Don't expect perfect behavior from children.

Shouldn't we expect ideal behavior from our children? because we'll never get it.

Our expectations will always lead to irritation, resentment and displeasure. Children in life, just like adults, will have their own stages, their own: 3, 7-8, 14 years old, when no matter how we behave, at some point they will say “No” all the time, they will snap back.

All we have to do at this moment is to love them because when a person is good, he is very easy to love. We especially need love precisely when we do not do the best things.

I am sure that in the life of every adult, if we are wrong, there will be at least one person who will always believe in us and say that “Yes, you are wrong. But I know that you are different. You are really good, and we will cope with all difficulties!”

Therefore, I wish you to become just such people for your children, and then they will always respect you, not just listen, but hear and gladly fulfill your requests and wishes.

We also read:

One of the common problems of many modern families is children's disobedience, disrespectful attitude of children towards parents. It not only worsens the relationship between them, but also negatively affects the atmosphere in the family as a whole. What to do? How to build such a relationship so that children respect us and consider us an authority, listening to our opinion?

1. Respect your child.

No phrases that could hurt the child’s personality.

The human brain is designed in such a way that if someone insults us, respect for this person automatically disappears, and it is almost impossible to hear and perceive the information that the person who insulted us says. In fact, this is a protective function of the brain. If someone tells us something bad about us, we stop considering this person an authority. And accordingly, all the value of his words disappears for us.

2. Be a source of interesting information.

70% interesting, educational, new and only 30% adjustments and some kind of moralizing. You must keep up with the times. Your child must understand that he can turn to you in any situation, that you can always give advice, and that you have the information he needs.

4. Don't ask rhetorical questions.

5. Don't expect the impossible.

Do not demand that your child, after your first request, fulfill all orders and tasks with lightning speed, and simply obey you after the first word. the brain of a small person under 14 years old – that’s for sure! - is designed in such a way that if he is busy with something - he reads, he watches some program, he draws something, or he just sits and thinks about something - then his concentration on everything else drops greatly. If you see that your child is busy with something, go up and touch him. Such a tactile touch, tactile appeal to the child immediately draws attention to you.

6. Don't manipulate feelings.

A small person cannot cope with feelings of guilt. He doesn’t yet understand how important it is that dad goes to work so that he can have something there in the future. He lives here and now, he is not able to bear and somehow regret or somehow, perhaps, accept all the pain that his parents experience, all the severity of his life or some issues. And the child unconsciously begins to move away. His psyche begins to defend itself from what could destroy it. How is the psyche protected? Ignoring, unwillingness to communicate, lack of any contact. When we ask, “How are you?” - "Fine!"

Therefore, if you want to achieve some things from your children, tell them honestly and without unnecessary emotions that “I need your help now,” “I would be very pleased if you helped me,” “I am without you.” I can’t handle it now!”, “If you can, I will be very grateful to you!”

7. Don't use threats.

It turns out that children, who should naturally see their parents as guardianship, care and protection, begin to see us as a threat and act out of fear. If our children's obedience is based on fear, it will only ever lead to 2 things:

- sooner or later there will be a rebellion, and at the age of 14 we will receive the full program of absolute ignorance, snapping, and rudeness from children.

We will wonder where they come from? But this is all the spring that we compressed with such threats, disrespect, and some kind of aggressive behavior towards children.

- if we pressed hard, and our child was not so strong emotionally at this age, then we simply broke him.

In this case, he will respond not only to our threats and succumb to them, but also to the threats of any people on the street. He will not be able to stand up for himself because his function of defending his opinion and his desires will simply be broken.

8. Be grateful.

Children's natural need is to please us. Why? Because through the reaction of parents to themselves, the child forms his attitude towards himself. Through this reaction, differentiation occurs as a person. If he hears only negative things from us, this feeling of himself as an individual - self-confidence, the desire to be good, the understanding that you are important to someone, that they love you, it is not filled.

In the future, the child can fill out this function in other places: on the street, in some company, where it will be easy for someone to say: “You are so great!” And then for this “Well done” he will be ready to do anything.

Therefore, thank your children, say thank you to them, and do not be afraid that this will happen often.

9. Remember what you want to achieve.

Always remember what you want to achieve by saying this or that phrase to your child. Ask yourself – what kind of reaction am I expecting? Why am I going to say this now?

If you ask yourself about this, then in many cases you will understand that you are going to say this phrase solely in order to throw out your negativity, your irritation, your fatigue. Before each phrase, you can take a breath inside yourself and ask: “This reaction now - what will it lead to? What do I want to achieve?

Often this question, like a cold shower, relieves our irritation and we understand that at this stage we do not want to behave in the best way, which gives us the opportunity to choose the right strategy for behavior and communication with our children.

10. Don't expect perfect behavior from children.

Our expectations will always lead to irritation, resentment and displeasure. Children in life, just like adults, will have their own stages, their own crisis periods: 3, 7-8, 14 years old, when no matter how we behave, at some point they will say all the time “No ", they will snap back. All we have to do at this moment is love them.

Love your children and then they will respect and love you in return!

Therefore, it is very important for a woman to engage in her spiritual development.
The modern woman is exhausted, exhausted, she is in search of her strong man, she lacks love and is deprived of the most important thing - a feeling of security.

A person is born with certain needs - the very first and most basic are the need for security and love, and only after that the need for respect appears.

If the two previous needs are not satisfied, then it is impossible to achieve respect.

A modern woman does not feel love and security, she is forced to take care of the child herself, not knowing what the coming day has in store for her, she has to rely only on herself. Therefore, one can only dream of respect, to which there is still a path to be overcome.
When there is no one nearby who can support a woman, she desperately needs the support of her child and therefore violates his boundaries. She can only show weakness to her child. If this happens regularly, then only spiritual intimacy arises, but not respect.

How to teach children to respect their parents? First of all, you need to learn to respect the child, his father, gain your emotional stability and a sense of security.

Respecting a child means respecting his character with which he was born, respecting his desires, territory and boundaries.

Respect does not mean indulging all his whims and fulfilling any desire, it means accepting the child’s wishes and, taking them into account, finding compromises together.

In conflict and acute situations with your child, try to find compromises, solutions where the child’s wishes will be taken into account, where your authoritarian position will not be present just because you are a mother and know how to act better.

There is no need to shout at the child, humiliate him, or use physical punishment.

Shouting, insults, disrespect and physical punishment become the norm for children. In this case, there can be no talk of respect.

Dignity can only be instilled in an atmosphere of respect for all family members.

Try to stick to the golden mean in raising children - do not pamper them unnecessarily, and at the same time do not keep them under a tight rein.

It is important to be consistent and constant in your demands.

If your excessive demands are replaced by subsequent self-indulgence and permissiveness, then such emotional swings do not contribute to the manifestation of respect.

Dignity is respect for yourself and other people.

There is no need to force children to wear something they don’t like or feel uncomfortable in.

Don't force them to eat what they don't want, but don't only allow them to eat what they like. Always try to find compromises between what you think is right and what the child wants.

Respect is always born in a compromise, where there is neither your position nor the position of another. But it is possible when in one situation the decision-making is influenced only by your opinion, and in another situation - by the child’s opinion. It is impossible to teach and force modern children to respect their parents.

Respect is born from a respectful attitude towards oneself, the child and other family members.

First of all, you need to learn to respect people and then the question will not arise: “How to teach children to respect their parents?” The child will not need to be taught respect; he will absorb it like a sponge through your attitude towards yourself, towards other people and towards him.