Why is the “mother complex” dangerous in the relationship between husband and wife? How not to be a mommy for a man? How not to become a mommy for your man

Choosing the role of a caring mother for yourself is very attractive. You don’t need to explain your actions to your husband; you can decide everything yourself and not consult with him. In an attempt to be more important in the family, a woman inevitably slips into a “mother-son” relationship. These relationships are disastrous for a healthy family, here everyone has lost their role, because a man cannot be the husband of a “mom,” he can become a dependent and weak-willed son. And then we wonder where that responsible, attentive and courageous guy you married went to.

There are just a few simple but mandatory rules, the observance of which will protect the romance of your relationship and help build a happy family life.

You are already an adult

You can control your behavior, your feelings, emotions and actions. In a difficult situation, it is very easy to get offended or scold your husband, like a teacher. However, it is worth remembering that you are both adults, issues need to be resolved, situations need to be talked through, otherwise they will turn into problems. The relationship between the spouses is built as a partnership.

Don't find fault

Mommy "sculpts" her child. She teaches him how to live, takes him to clubs and sections so that he acquires useful skills, corrects mistakes, and reminds him to put on a scarf. Do you feel the need to behave this way? Give birth to a child and give him your care. But spare your husband the constant prompting and pointing. And even more so from grumbling that he did not do what you needed. Otherwise, it turns out that your needs are more important than your feelings. Take care of each other. Only give reminders in a neutral tone, such as leaving notes on the refrigerator.

Don't dress like mommy

Throw away the old comfortable, shapeless robe, forget about baggy T-shirts. Next to you is the man for whom you should be sexy and desirable. And you don’t need makeup or strict hairstyles at all. Men love slight negligence and dishevelment.

Share the responsibility

Mom protects her son and solves difficult issues. Because there is a child next to her. There is an adult man next to you. Don’t be afraid to delegate a responsible task to him or ask him to replace you. Marriage is a team game, train your partner, give him difficult tasks, then it will bring more pleasure to both of you. If you are interested in how your husband can be a wife and not a mother, let him be not a son, but a responsible man.

Consider your husband's opinion

The mother’s opinion is always more significant than the son’s opinion, she has experience, she has status. And in the family you are equal. Each spouse contributes his share to the treasury of family values. And your desires may differ. Yes, mom has the last word, but you shouldn’t arrogate this right to yourself in the family, it could end badly. Learn to give in and make compromises.

Don't choose friends for him

This is not always possible even for mothers. Of course, you can express your opinion, but let him decide. Otherwise, he will simply meet with them in secret from you. “Important things to do at work” will just appear. Let you know better where he is and who he is with.

A woman has a maternal instinct inherent in her nature. Being a mother is natural for her, having a child is a need and a desired goal. But sometimes women make mistakes in choosing the object of their maternal love and extend it not only to their children, but also to their husband. How not to be a “mommy” for a man?

We should start with the fact that the role of “mom for an adult man” is so widespread in our society that it is almost has become the norm. The roots of this “tradition” go far into the past, they are in the mentality, this is an ethnopsychological feature of all Slavic women.

A certain cult of the female Mother can be traced in culture (Motherland, Mother Earth, and so on) and noticed in everyday life. A woman who becomes a mother moves to a different status and becomes more respected in society: “She is a mother!”

Despite the fact that the world is ruled by men, the woman is in charge in the family; it is she, and not the man, very often Head of the family. She makes decisions, keeps family accounts, makes purchases, cooks, washes, cleans, raises children, including her eldest husband, and even works equally with him. That's what it is wife is a “mommy”.

From childhood, girls are taught to be just a mother, not a wife, not a lover, not a businesswoman - a mother! Although a woman does not need to be taught to be a mother! Her instinctive nature will do everything for her when the time comes. Plus, besides, how to be a mother to a girl is clear from the behavior of her mother. She sees everything and absorbs it like a sponge!

But few people know how to be a good wife. This is not taught anywhere.

A woman raised by a “mommy” also becomes a “mommy.” Even when she does not yet have her own children, she strives to realize her unspent tenderness and care in communicating with friends, sisters/brothers, other people's children, elderly relatives, pets, and so on.

A lot of men they are looking for “mommies” because they are afraid of adult life without a “caring rear” and are often helpless in everyday life. And their mothers only approve of such daughters-in-law. When a mother-in-law evaluates her future daughter-in-law, she is not too interested in how smart, talented and successful she is, she is mainly interested in how ready she is to be a mother... for her son!

The mother-in-law seems to be handing over her boy (who is no longer a boy) into the hands of a new “mom”, so she is interested in such questions as: “Will she take care of my son?”, “Won’t he be hungry?”, “Does she know how to iron?” shirts? and so on. These are all questions for a woman as the mother of a small child, and not as the wife of an adult man.

Why is the role of “mommy” bad?

The role of "mommy" includes:

• overprotection,
• constant control,
• performing actions for a person, excessive help,
• moralizing (the same “She nags me and nags me!”),
• education and re-education,
• unnecessary advice and recommendations,
• making decisions for a man,
• transferring all responsibility for the family to oneself,
• taking on all responsibilities around the house.

Parent (wife)– controlling and domineering, and Child (husband)– infantile, lazy and irresponsible.

Can a Child be the spouse of a Parent? Making love with mom?! It's taboo! This is why the biggest problem in the Mommy-Son relationship is lack of sex.

Of course, there are couples who live quite harmoniously together for many years without sex. But there are often cases when a man goes looking for a mistress on the side. At home, after all, he has a woman whom he cannot lust after, although she is loved (and sometimes no longer loved)!

Second problem. A man next to mommy doesn't feel courageous. He does not have the opportunity to be decisive, responsible, strong, active, hardworking; his wife does not give him a chance to do something on his own, to prove himself. He gets used to it and is no longer going to look for himself, develop, realize himself. For what? His wife provides him with a heavenly life without that!

The “mommy” wife, with hypertrophied maternal love, does her husband, herself, and her family a disservice.

How to become and how not to be a “mommy” for a man

Of course, you don’t become a “mommy” for an adult man overnight.

At first, the potential “mom”, while still a bride, gladly does for her beloved everything that not only a wife, but also a mother should do. At first, both men and women really like this cute game called “mutual courtship” (especially if they don’t have a child yet). Then the man gets used to it and begins to accept the girl’s comprehensive care as due, and she, no longer hearing praise and compliments, decides: “I will care and patronize him even more in order to earn his love!”

This is where the mistake comes in! After implementing this decision, care as a natural manifestation of love turns into overprotection, and a sweet and cheerful life partner into a moralizing and controlling “mom”.

Soon the burden of “mommy” becomes unbearable. An adult and strong man “sits on his neck”, she has to do everything herself, and he sits and doesn’t even think about behaving like an adult: “Why do anything? After all, she handles everything herself! I’m sure it’s not hard for her!”

Unfortunately, according to statistics, such unions are unhappy and often end in breakup/divorce. In this case, the woman who suffers the most is the “mom,” without even realizing that she herself provoked the problem: “I do everything for him! I'm trying so hard! And he is ungrateful!

To avoid being a “mommy” you need to:

1. Don't forget about yourself. Some of your time, care and unspent love should be directed towards yourself.
2. Refuse installation“A person’s love can be earned only by caring for and caring for him.” This is not true. Love has many facets. And there is no need to deserve it a priori. It either exists or it doesn’t.
3. Don't forget that the man is already an adult. He must be able to take care of himself at home. Every person, regardless of gender, should be able to pour tea for themselves, wash their plate, set an alarm clock, clean their shoes, and so on.
4. Share chores around the house. Especially if both partners work. If a woman is a housewife, some of the purely male housework must still be done by a man. A man likes to help a woman when he sees her weakness, not her strength.
5. Give a man the opportunity to be stronger and more responsible. There is no need to make a decision for two and alone. Say phrases like: “I’ll sort everything out myself!”, “I’m better at this!”, “Listen to me!” It’s also not worth it, these are the words of my mother. Adults consult with each other and make decisions together.
6. Do not limit the freedom and independence of a man. Refuse total control, surveillance and “punishment”. For a man, this is a signal “She doesn’t trust me!” He doesn’t consider me a man!” Men greatly value a woman's confidence in their masculinity and faith in them. They need support, but not accompaniment, advice, but not instructions, attention, but not persecution.
7. Don't "immerse yourself" in a man. He is not a king or God, he does not need a slave or a nanny. He is an equal partner, a beloved man, a husband who wants to see next to him a Woman who knows how to be not only caring, but also passionate, intelligent, cheerful, interesting as a person, with her own interests and characteristics.
8. Track your behavior. Was it a “mommy” or “wifey” type of act? You can't do without self-control. It is important to act from the position of an Adult, addressing a man as another Adult, and not as a child.

Not giving a man maternal love at all, which, to some extent, is always present in marital love (and men are also partly “daddy” for wives) - wrong! But you need, as always and everywhere, to know when to stop. There is a big difference between caring and overprotection. It's important not to overdo it!

If a woman suspects that she is a “mommy” or has already discovered it, all the same tips that were described above will help her. The only thing is that you first need to take one more important step - recognize yourself as a “mommy”.

Recognize the problem, look at yourself from the outside, evaluate the behavior as unacceptable and requiring correction, set yourself the goal of becoming a wife, and not a “mother” for your husband. After this, you can proceed to active actions.

How much of a “mom” are you for your man?

Everyone is familiar with the expression that everyday life destroys even the most romantic relationships. And so it is. But only partly. It is not everyday life that destroys relationships, but the transformation of a woman into a mother for her. Many women, remembering the wonderful beginning of their relationship, cannot understand where it all went. Where did the loving and caring man go and how did that sloth who is now lying on the sofa in front of the TV end up in his place?

Moreover, this sloth outside the home can be absolutely active and proactive. But in the family he goes with the flow and does not want to take responsibility. The burden lying on women's shoulders becomes more and more heavy and, ultimately, the woman can no longer remain silent and begins to explain to her man that she cannot continue to live like this, that she is tired and wants to see a knight next to her, a real man, and not little helpless boy. She wants to shift the responsibility for the family from her fragile female shoulders to his strong male ones, but the man does not want to take this responsibility. The woman convinces, conflicts, but he doesn’t understand her at all! Or maybe he just doesn’t WANT to understand?

As a result, some women give up and continue to be responsible for themselves and for “that guy.” There are also those who are with a “big boy” in order to find a “grown man”, reliable and caring. But in the next relationship the situation repeats itself. And all because there is no understanding that women themselves make men like this. Not all of them, of course, are isolated examples, eternal teenage boys (sometimes very difficult ;)) who will never grow up. But there are also completely normal men whom women turn into a kind of “big son”, indulging his natural laziness, allowing him not to participate and not help in anything, allowing him to shout, whine, pout, forget and lose. For him, they turn into a kind of loving mother, whom the overgrown child diligently wears out.

How not to become a mother for your husband

Unfortunately, women often behave this way quite deliberately when they want to earn money. Because this is a universal and working way to tie a man to you.

The fact is that in every man, no matter how independent and adult he is, there lives a little boy, accustomed from childhood to female care and attention. He was looked after by his mother and grandmothers, kindergarten teachers and school teachers. And when a woman begins to nurture him, already an adult, he emotionally returns to his carefree childhood. And this is a very pleasant feeling, you must agree! No worries, no worries, they love him unconditionally, take care of him and buy him toys. Therefore, he happily allows his wife to play the role of mother.

And it turns out that a “motherly” attitude towards a man is a way to get him and tie him to you. The instinct also turns on, saying that you need to take care of the one you love. A man quickly gets used to the sweet life and often it becomes simply difficult for him to cope without his mother. In this way, a woman binds a man to herself, giving him many times more than she receives from him.

Getting used to receiving more than giving, a man begins to take everything “for granted” and gradually abdicates responsibility. He ceases to be proactive and gives the reins of power to women’s hands, especially since it is more pleasant and easier for him to live in the role of a “son”. As a result, the woman has to take everything upon herself and spin more and more on her own. Moreover, keep a watchful eye on the child, so that he doesn’t forget, confuse, or die of hunger. She begins to control her man and “watch” his every move.

It seems that the man has been received and tamed, but there is no female happiness! And these “sons” periodically run “to the side” in order to at least somewhere feel like a man. And he is not drawn to the marital bed, since “mother” is in no way suitable for the role of a seductress and enchantress. He loses all “male” interest in her and simply fulfills his marital duty from time to time, often caring little about the woman’s emotional (and physical) pleasure.

How can a husband be a wife, not a mother?

In order not to become a mother for your husband, you need to remember not only what you need to do for your man, but also what you need NOT to do. I bring to your attention seven rules that are best memorized. And in order not to forget them, just write the number seven and hang it in a visible place (or, for example, buy a refrigerator magnet). If your husband starts to wonder what “this” means, there is no need to go into details and tell him everything. Just say that this is a symbol of your family happiness, and let him figure out the rest. After all, women have the right to their personal secrets and some mystery).

How not to become a mother for your husband: 7 rules

1. There is no need to rush to help at his first call, abandoning all your affairs. This call is probably just an echo of his childhood habit of “Mom, save me, help me.” Believe me, he can find his own socks, pour himself tea or heat food in the microwave.

2. Don't take it upon yourself to solve his problems and never do for him what he can handle himself. It is likely that your family’s traditions include that you set the table and feed your husband, but let it be limited to this. Believe me, if you have learned how to hammer nails, then he is quite capable of learning how to iron shirts and sew buttons. Distribute household responsibilities (or decide which ones you assign to him) and let him do them (without your intervention or control!).

3. Don’t take care of him over trifles, don’t baby him, don’t try to endlessly cheer him up and “play nice with him.” If you are completely unbearable, then limit yourself to advice, but do not do everything for him.

4. When it seems to you that he is doing something wrong, then resist the temptation to intervene and help (and sometimes do everything yourself). And even if you start helping him, don’t pull the blanket over yourself and don’t take any initiative.

5. Don't pander to his weaknesses and don't "feed him carrots" when he behaves irresponsibly. Forgot to buy groceries? "OK, darling. Today we will have tea and bread for dinner.”

6. Do not fall for flattery, as it is a means of manipulation and an attempt to “bribe” you. And even more so, don’t buy into pity, since you don’t need to feel sorry for a real grown man (it would be better if he takes pity on you), you just need to respect him. And when you regret, there is no way to respect.

7. Don't turn into a "saw" or a grumpy old lady. Always show him that you respect him, believe in his strength and have no doubt that he will succeed. Sincere faith in a man works wonders, he grows wings and wants to do more and more. Yes, and never forget to thank him for any initiative and be touched and admired by his care for you.

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At first, when you stop coddling your man, he may be surprised and confused. He may even begin to make trouble, and in the most extreme cases, even manipulate: today he will be very attentive and caring, and tomorrow he will be demonstratively cold and distant. He can rebel, feel sorry for himself (I’m sick, I suffer) and become depressed. In a word, he will express protest in one form or another. And you might even get tired of it and want to give up. But try to hold out! After all, habit is second nature, and the longer you were in the role of mom, the more difficult and difficult it will be for your “son” to understand that these changes are inevitable, and they are not your temporary whim.

If we take psychology, the minimum period of adaptation and development of a new type of behavior is 6 weeks. Therefore, be patient and carry out “educational work” without deviating a single step from the program. Work on yourself first. Learn to ask a man affectionately but persistently. Learn to trust a man and joyfully receive his help and care. Stop doing everything yourself and putting on your shoulders what you need and what you don’t need. Realize that your man has grown up a long time ago and, as an adult, he is fully capable of taking care of himself (and you, by the way, too!) on his own.

But keep in mind that there are also incorrigible instances. These are egoists who realize themselves at the expense of others and are incapable of anything else. You just need to leave such a man or accept the role of a “kind, caring mother” forever. It’s up to you to decide; it’s important to make this choice consciously.

If you choose such a role, then you definitely need to know what awaits you in this role of “mom to your husband.”

At first, the role of “mom” and “son” looks very attractive. But over time, this “role-playing game” begins to destroy the feelings and relationships “beloved man - beloved woman.”

2. Any man wants to demonstrate to everyone around him (and especially to his beloved woman) how businesslike, talented and smart he is. And how he is able to bear responsibility for himself and for his family. In a word, he wants to assert himself in order to feel like an accomplished person. And when a woman treats him as small (and sometimes as underdeveloped), his self-esteem is infringed.

At first, he may not even realize it and he will be pleased to spend his life in a “carefree childhood.” But, in the end, he will simply get tired of feeling like a little boy or an inferior teenager and he will rebel. For some, this will be expressed in rudeness, for others, they will simply withdraw into themselves and only the shadow of a man will be present in the family, and not he himself, it seems like the man exists, but at the same time, it’s as if he doesn’t exist. And it seems like people live nearby, but they are complete strangers to each other. Others have mistresses (read) and try to “rehabilitate” on the side. And some go into the virtual world of computer games or begin to “look into the bottle.”

3. Well, the worst thing about this whole situation is that intimate relationships are gradually fading away. Because lovemaking at the “mother” - “son” level (and subconsciously this is how people perceive each other) looks vulgar (like, for example, “Mommy, your boy is hungry, feed me”), and sometimes even causes rejection and disgust .

Do you still want to play the role of mom for your man? This is your choice. But then you will not be able to become a desired and beloved woman who you want to take care of. Which you want to please, conquer, and, most importantly, protect! Additionally, I advise you to read the articles and “.

Every woman wants to find a reliable man, support, but it turns out completely differently. Modern men are becoming more and more henpecked, unable to take a single step without female advice. Who is to blame for this? Maybe the women themselves are to blame?!
Modern women deny that children are mainly raised by their mother. And the man, in turn, gets so used to being taken care of that, as a result, he cannot take care of himself without a reminder.

The main reason for the formation of such behavior in a woman is fear. Perhaps as a child she witnessed her parents’ divorce, and her dad left the family. The girls are very vulnerable and consider it a betrayal. After all, a real woman agrees with a man’s position to dominate her, but a “wounded” woman will not accept this. On an unconscious level, such a woman agrees only to the role of “mommy”, claiming it for herself as the Main One. This style of behavior helps her maintain control over the relationship, so as not to lose her second beloved man in the future. These women think they are doing everything right for their husband and their relationship. But a man’s natural instinct cannot be deceived; one day he will need a real woman.

You are interested in other articles about the relationship between a man and a woman, such as:

How to stop being a mommy for your husband.

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