What to do if a child deceives his parents. Why is my child lying to me? How to wean him from deception? The desire for self-affirmation

What our kids can’t come up with! Even a storyteller would envy their imagination!

Surely all parents have already encountered the first fictitious or embellished stories of their little ones. But the moment comes when you realize that the child no longer just fantasizes , but develops his abilities as a professional liar.

Then parents begin to worry, not knowing how to wean their child from such an unpleasant habit. Often we don't think about what it is our attitude, upbringing or reaction to that aggravates the problem.

Why does a child lie?

If a growing child begins to deceive his parents more often, most likely he stopped trusting them or is simply afraid of a negative reaction for a misdemeanor. It is very important for him to know that you will not scold him. Express dissatisfaction with the child’s actions, not with him as a person.

Scientists have found that a 4-year-old child lies about once every two hours, and a six-year-old child lies every 90 minutes. Lying “through the mouth of a baby” appears at 3 years old, and by 4-6 years old children achieve perfection in this.

I am afraid of you!

The most common reason for children's lying is fear of parental screaming or punishment . When the child realized that because of a broken toy, his mother would scold him (deprive him of sweets, put him in a corner, not let him go outside, etc.), then next time in such a situation he will lie. He will say that he does not know where the broken truck is, or that it was taken from him in the yard by grown boys, although the car will be under his bed.

What to do. If lying has become a habit for a child, you shouldn't put up with this . Have a heart-to-heart talk with him, without accusations or irritability: “Let's agree that you will tell me that you did something wrong. Do not be afraid. I’ll try not to be too angry and I’ll be very glad that you told me the truth.”. Be sure to keep your promise, even if the offspring did something truly horrific.

Great dreamer

Children can often exaggerate to gain the respect of peers , talking about an actor brother or sister in America. To appear “cool,” our offspring say that their parents easily let them go out late into the night with their older friends. This is done mainly by 7-8 year old children when they want to amaze their classmates.

Always emphasize how important honesty is in your family. Tell your child that you really appreciate it when people tell the truth and get very upset when they lie.

What to do. If you notice that your child often lies about his adventures, know: life seems boring to him , and he seems to himself weak, stupid and unworthy of more. Ask your child about his imaginary friends and achievements, but don't show negative reactions . Ask him how he would like to spend his day off. Try to understand what your son or daughter is missing in life. Find the answer - solve the problem.

Parents provocateurs

Every parent has had to lie in front of a child . For example, refusing to lend money to a neighbor or turning off the phone so as not to talk to the boss. If you demand from a child to always tell the truth and at the same time demonstrate such inconsistent behavior , nothing good will come of it. At a minimum, the child will feel an internal contradiction and will not know what to do next time. At the very least, he will stop trusting adults.

What to do. If the growing offspring constantly deceives, ask him again again: “Are you sure that’s what happened? Tell the story again.". As a result of the repeated story, some inaccuracies, new facts and fresh fruits of fantasy will definitely emerge.

You can use another technique: let your child know that you are aware of what is happening . Angry question: “Who scattered all the shadows in the bathroom?” replace with calm "I know you took my cosmetics". It turns out that the main words have already been spoken, and you can continue the conversation in completely different tones. So the child will understand that it is quite safe to tell the truth , and after some time he will stop cheating.

You can't be punished for lying

If you punish a child for lying, he will decide: you are screaming because you found out the truth. Then the conclusion will be fixed in the child’s subconscious: the truth must be carefully hidden. The child will decide that it was not a lie, but the truth that made his mother angry . He won’t stop lying, he’ll just make sure his parents don’t know anything about it.

Elena Makarenko, child psychologist: “Remember yourself at this age. Surely the neighbor’s dog ate the diaries, and the vase was broken by a gust of wind. Don't get angry with your child or punish him. Remember how you yourself felt in a similar situation, and how you did not want to be scolded. And learn to distinguish between childhood fantasy (which can be useful) and the desire to avoid punishment. Sometimes a child simply comes up with stories that have never happened to him in his life - in this case, try to make it as diverse as possible.”

A child will be honest with his parents when he:

• I am sure that under no circumstances will mom and dad humiliate him;
• is not afraid of parental anger or being rejected by them;
• knows that he will be supported in a difficult situation and advised on the right way out of it;
• I am confident that (if followed) it will be reasonable and fair;
• knows that in a controversial situation his parents will take his side;
• I am sure that there is trust between him, mom and dad.

Try to always emphasize how important honesty is in your family. Tell your child that you really appreciate it when people tell the truth and get upset when they lie.

Praise your child for his honesty. After all, it is better to teach him not to lie than to constantly punish him for minor offenses. Good luck to you in this difficult, but quite doable task!

Expert video tips: How to stop a child from lying

Many parents are faced with the fact that their child is not telling the truth - lying and deceiving. As a rule, the reaction of parents to such behavior is to scold, shame, or punish the child. But once you begin to understand why your child lies and cheats, then you can help him change his behavior and become more honest.

The key word here is “help”. Not to force, not to force, but to help the child not lie and deceive, but to tell you the truth. If we start to figure out why a child cheats, we will see that he is afraid of punishment, shouting and being scolded. It turns out to be some kind of vicious circle. The more we scold a child for lying, the more he will hide the truth from us in the future.

Children, as a rule, have quite logical reasons for hiding the truth - they want to avoid unpleasant consequences for themselves, they do not want to disappoint their parents, or listen to screams and hours of moralizing.

How to understand why a child is lying: reasons for children's lies

Most parents think that children lie to get what they want and avoid consequences and punishment. >These are common reasons, but there are also some less obvious reasons why children may not tell the truth, or at least the whole truth.>

A child lies because he is afraid of punishment

It is difficult for a child not to lie when he knows that telling the truth will lead to an unpleasant outcome. Therefore, understanding all these reasons, we need to create such conditions in the family so that the child can easily tell us everything as it is.

For example, a child tore his new trousers on the street, and when he came home, he carefully hid them. When asked by his parents where the pants are, he answers that he doesn’t know, because... afraid that adults will punish for damaging things. This behavior is relevant in families where parents often punish the child, including physically.

The child wants to protect the parent from worries and disappointments

All people make mistakes, but when you have to be perfect and obedient in the eyes of your parents, it is very difficult to allow yourself to make mistakes. Some people don’t pay attention to their mistakes, but there are children who are more sensitive to criticism.

When such a child has done something that, in the parent’s opinion, is bad: soiled his clothes, lost his phone, forgot to do his homework, it is very difficult for him to confess and it is easier to hide these facts so that they will not be disappointed in him.

The child does not lie, he embellishes reality

It happens that children want to embellish a situation in order to impress others and gain more weight in the eyes of others. This happens when a child feels that as he is, he is not good enough.

Instead of scolding, he needs to be understood and reassured that everything is fine with him and there is absolutely no need to invent things about himself that are not really there. A child should feel unique and important in this world simply because he exists.

The child does not lie on purpose, but to test new behavior.

Matthew Rouse, a clinical psychologist at the American Institute of Child Mental Health, believes that one of the reasons why children lie is that they have discovered this new idea and are trying to test it, as with most behaviors, to see what happens. . That is, they do not always realize that this is a lie and this cannot be done.

Children can deliberately lie in order to see from experience what consequences await them and draw a conclusion.

Children's lies as psychological defense

Fantasy for children works as a psychological defense that helps them cope with some difficult circumstances. For example, a child’s dog died. He doesn’t want to believe it and fantasizes that the dog actually just ran away and lives in the forest.

At the same time, he himself begins to believe in this fantasy so much that he tells others about it. In this case, we cannot say that the child is deceiving. He uses fantasy to protect himself from painful experiences for which he was not prepared. In his subjective inner world, the dog really lives in the forest. And he believes it.

Trying to separate from parents

Often children try to show us that they need personal space, avoid control and set their own boundaries. For example, a child may lie that he read a book or did his homework just because his wishes do not coincide with the wishes of his elders.

He may want to draw, sing or sew, but not read. Therefore, by lying, the child seems to show that he has his own personal boundaries and time.

Increase self-esteem and gain approval>>

Children who lack confidence >> may tell big lies to make themselves appear more impressive, special, or talented, boost their self-esteem, and look good to others. >>

Dr. Matthew Rouse remembers treating an eighth-grader who was wildly exaggerating events in his life. For example, a boy said that he went to a party and everyone started singing for him when he walked in the door.>>

Attract attention

Children with anxiety >> or depression >> may lie about their symptoms to get the attention of adults or friends. Children can invent imaginary illnesses, tragic stories and do their best to convince others of this.>>

Or, conversely, they may minimize their problems by saying things like, “No, no, I slept well last night,” because they don't want people to worry about them.>>

What should parents do if their child is lying>

Once again, when we punish children for lying, they continue to lie in the hope of avoiding any punishment in the future. The following tips will help you create a family climate in which your children will feel comfortable telling the truth. But be patient, changes will take time.

What parents can do about their child's lies>>

Dr Matthew Rouse says it's important to think about the function of lying first. He insists that behavioral treatments depend on the function of the lie and the severity of the problem. That is, there can be different types of lies under different circumstances. >>

Level 1 lie>>

When it comes to lies that need attention, Dr. Rouse says it's best to ignore them. >Instead of rudely telling the child: “That’s a lie. >I know that didn't happen to you,” he suggests a gentle approach where parents don't necessarily have consequences for lying, but they also don't try to bring a lot of attention to the problem.>>

This is especially true if the lying is due to children's low self-esteem. >For these kinds of "low-level lies" that do not hurt anyone, you can choose the strategy of ignoring and switching to other topics.>>

Level 2 lie>>

If this does not work, the psychologist suggests that parents be more frank>. >If a child is telling one of the made-up stories, one of the parents will gently say, "Hey, that sounds like a fairy tale, why don't you try again and tell me what really happened?" >It's about pointing out on inappropriate behavior and encourage children to try again.>>

Level 3 lie>>

If it's something more serious, like older children lying about where they've been or whether they've done their homework, parents might want to consider the consequences. >It should be clear to children that the consequences of this kind of lie will be more global. >>

Additionally, depending on the severity of the issue, there should also be a component regarding what they are lying about. >If a child said he hasn't had homework all week and then the parent finds out he has homework every day, there must be some consequence to the lie and he must sit down and do all the work.>>

>If he hit another child and lied about it, there are consequences for lying as well as for hitting. >In this case, Dr. Rouse says, you can also ask him to write an apology letter to the other child.>>

What parents should not do if a child is lying>>

If you understand that your child has lied, there is no need to morally humiliate him, expose him to harsh methods, or insult him. The best way out is a frank conversation, which will be beneficial and make it clear to your child that you are a friend and not an enemy.

Do not drive your child into a corner, thereby you yourself force him to lie. If parents know the true story, they should go straight to the issue and discuss it. Instead of asking the child if he didn't do his homework, the parent could simply say, “I know you didn't do that. Let's talk about why this isn't a good idea." Don't play games with your own children. >>

1. Don't call your child a liar.>> >> Dr. Brady says it's a big mistake to call a child a liar. The wound that word leaves is greater than the fact that he lied. >He thinks next time: “Mom won’t believe me.” This makes him feel bad and may lead him to cheat again.>>

Why Kids Lie and What Parents Can Do About It​. Child Mind Institute.https://childmind.org/article/why-kids-lie/

Online project “Child and family psychology online”, author - child and family psychologist Ekaterina Kes.//ipsyholog.ru/

Now you know why a child lies and how to recognize the reasons for children's lies, you can follow the recommendations for parents and improve your relationship with your children.

Children's lies are a common phenomenon that can be observed in children from a fairly early age. At 3-4 years old, a child is able to consciously tell a lie, and it is important to pay attention to this in time so that after 7-8 years you do not discover that the child is constantly lying. A child’s habit of deceit is formed under the influence of external circumstances. A lie serves as a defensive reaction, so in order to properly raise or re-educate a child, parents should start with themselves.

To understand why children lie to their parents, we will consider in detail the common reasons for deception, which include:

• vivid imagination, tendency to fantasize;
• need for attention;
• fear of punishment;
• fear of losing the love of parents or hurting them;
• desire for self-affirmation;
• imitation of adults;
• way of maneuvering between parents or other family members;
• manipulation for one's own benefit.

The sooner you find the answer to the question of how to wean a child from lying, the easier it is to cope with the problem that has arisen, especially since the habit of hiding the truth and evading responsibility, manipulating adults with the help of lies, negatively affects the development of the character of a growing person.

Fantasies and imagination

In the first years of life, the baby actively learns about the world around him, including through role-playing games, copying the behavior of real people and cartoon and book characters, “finishing” the situation with the help of imagination. So the overturned stool becomes a boat, the carpet becomes the sea, and the little one himself becomes a brave captain. Such statements by children aged 3-5 are not a lie - this is fantasy, play, the development of creative imagination.

Vivid imaginative thinking leads to the fact that the child begins to compose fables about himself and others. This is his natural desire to make reality more interesting and colorful, or, conversely, the child’s suppressed fears are manifested in the fruits of his imagination. Sometimes children become so accustomed to their fantasies that they themselves begin to believe in them as if they were reality.

In such situations, children cannot be accused of lying. It is recommended to channel your wild creative imagination into a peaceful direction - to compose fairy tales and stories with it, to draw and sculpt characters. If you notice that there is a lot of negativity and fear in your daughter or son’s fantasies, figure out what is the reason.

Need for attention

It is very important to distinguish the “disinterested” play of the imagination of a young dreamer from the tendency to embellish reality in order to attract attention from parents. If you notice that your child has begun to exaggerate when talking about his affairs, do not rush to accuse him of lying - this is not a conscious deception, but a way to gain additional attention to yourself.

Often, preschool children try to keep their parents in their room when going to bed, and claim that they have seen ghosts or monsters with their own eyes and are now afraid to be left alone. You cannot treat such words as lies - this is a signal that the child does not feel protected by adults.

In addition, a child's wild imagination makes imaginary monsters quite real for the child - he is not manipulating his parents, but is really afraid. To make fears go away, communicate more with your baby, read good fairy tales to him before bed.

Fear of punishment

Accidental misbehavior and deliberate hooliganism of a child cannot be ignored. It is important to talk to the child, explain “what is good and what is bad.” But physical punishment, yelling and humiliation force children to work hard to avoid punishment next time, and deception is an easy and obvious way to do this.

Adults mistakenly believe that serious punishment will force the child to be stricter with himself and not repeat mistakes. But it is impossible to avoid mistakes and, fearing pain and humiliation, wanting to avoid lectures, children are forced to lie and get out.

If you see that your child is lying out of fear of punishment, think about your parenting methods and behavior. Very often, children's misdeeds simply serve as a trigger for tired, nervous adults, and they take it out on their children.

Fear of losing parents' love

It is important for a 3-4 year old child to know that he is loved. At the same time, during this period, the fear of losing parental approval is formed - it is important for the baby to feel good in the eyes of mom and dad. And any mistake made is perceived by him as a reason to consider him “bad”, “wrong”.

In order to look good, the child is afraid to admit to wrongdoing, and he will deny even obvious guilt, lie and shield himself. This is typical, first of all, for children who are constantly criticized by their parents. By accompanying your child’s awkward actions with comments like “hook hands,” “you always do everything at random,” etc., you give your child a good reason to lie to you.

The desire for self-affirmation

The child often lies and brags in order to gain a high status in the team and impress peers. This may begin in kindergarten, but it flourishes during the school years. Parental intervention is to stop this method of self-affirmation in a timely manner, replacing it with a constructive option - achievements in school, sports, creativity, etc.

Imitation of adults

Parents are role models for children aged 3-4 years. Striving to be like mom or dad, the child adopts not only behavior, words, intonations, but also actions. If parents set a bad example (asking them to lie when calling on the phone that they are not at home, or to hide any information from other family members), the son or daughter easily gets used to deception and cunning, considering this a normal part of communication.

Maneuvering between family members

Children are forced to resort to lies if difficult relationships develop between parents or other family members. The child has a need for security, for good relations with each of the adults in the family, so he will agree with their impartial opinions about each other, expressed in his presence, and deceive when questioned on this matter, since he does not want to upset loved ones.

Manipulation for one's own benefit

From the first months of life, children learn to manipulate their parents, to get what they want from them - this mechanism is embedded by nature itself, since the baby must express his needs in order to survive. If you ignore the baby's needs, by the age of 3-4 the child will master the art of deception in order to achieve what he wants. Excessive indulgence of the child's wishes can also lead to this effect.

How to recognize children's lies

How can parents understand that their child is lying? Pay attention to his behavior and body signals. The main signs that the child is insincere, trying to hide something, or telling a lie:

• The child does not make eye contact. You can ask him not to look away, and it will be clear from his behavior whether he is lying or not.
• Even if a child cheats consciously, he experiences internal discomfort. Signs of uncertainty in one's actions are reflexive movements - scratching the nose, head, touching the eyes, neck, lips, shifting from foot to foot.
• When a child has to compose a “legend” on the go, shielding himself, he speaks slowly and stammers. If you ask him to repeat the story, he will get confused in the details or remain silent.
• When children lie, they often hide their hands behind their backs or in their pockets. Facial expressions and reddened cheeks will also help to identify deception.

However, adults should understand that such behavior almost definitely indicates a lie if the child is still small - 3-4 years or a little more. Children 5-6 years old and older already have some life experience and may be afraid that adults will not believe them, even if they tell the truth. And body signals may indicate this fear and uncertainty, and not deception.

What should parents do if their baby often lies?

If a child deceives adults or peers, it means that he has some reason for this. First of all, you need to figure out why the child is hiding the truth or deliberately misleading people. At the same time, listen to the advice of a psychologist:

• Don't punish people for lying. Punishment is not only physical impact, but also shouting, boycott, cold lectures, etc. You cannot create a fear of telling the truth - this is a dead end. It is important to try to explain that lying is bad, and honesty and openness with parents helps to calmly solve absolutely any problems that arise.
• Do not try to achieve the truth through threats or fear of punishment. It is difficult for a child to admit he is guilty; pressure from adults will only force him to shut down.
• Carefully form a system of prohibitions. The more prohibitions, the greater the need to circumvent them. If you ban everything, then after some time you will find that the child can no longer imagine life without lies - he will have to learn to trick adults around his finger in order to have at least some freedom.
• Do not force children to hide their true emotions - it is important for them to have the right to experience the negativity of a broken knee, spoiled by other children, or a lost toy, or a quarrel with a friend. If a child is taught that he should always be cheerful and positive so as not to upset his parents, the child will never be able to open up to them and tell the truth.
• Talk to your children frankly and heart to heart. In such conversations, the child can tell himself when and in what cases he lied to you, and this will help you draw conclusions and adjust your parenting methods.
• Explain to children that everyone makes mistakes. And that it is easier to admit what you did and get the opportunity to correct the situation than to lie and get out. Don't punish your child for accidentally damaging things, be it mom's vase, dad's watch, or your own expensive toys. It is important that a person realizes that he must calculate the consequences of his actions, and not become afraid of the anger of his parents.

How to teach a child to tell the truth

How to explain to a child that lying is bad? It is worth starting education from a very early age. Children three or four years old learn well from fairy tales. You can choose or come up with suitable stories that clearly illustrate how deception leads to sad consequences, how sad and bad it is for those who are deceived. And how good it is when everyone finds out the truth and solves all problems together.

With older children, it is important to establish trusting relationships - tell them about your affairs, how your day went, what issues you had to solve, what emotions you experienced. Use the expression “I want to confess to you..” - this will allow you to teach your son or daughter to talk openly about their affairs, to share not only events, but also their experiences.

Be sure to praise your children for their honesty, encourage them to tell the truth, and offer help in correcting mistakes. This will help the baby to be more frank and trust his parents.

Conclusion

The question of what to do if a child is lying often arises among parents when the habit of lying has already formed. It is important to know that even if a child admits that lying is wrong and understands that deception can lead to serious consequences, he does not find the strength to tell the truth. The brake is shame, fear of rejection from relatives, fear of punishment.

Parents should start their education with themselves - only they can remove the barriers that prevent children from telling the truth, trusting adults, being frank and confident that they are loved and protected.

The concept of a healthy atmosphere in the family also includes the factor of normal relationships between close people, when they do not need to hide anything from each other, lie, or dodge. But what to do if the child is lying? The problem is serious and often entails global consequences, but try to pull yourself together and understand the reasons for this phenomenon.

Understanding when a child is telling a lie is usually quite simple. Only by the age of seven or eight do children (and even then not all of them) become excellent actors, but even then they unconsciously tell lies. The child does not look you in the eyes, sometimes his hand reaches to his mouth or touches his face, he coughs or fiddles with his ear. Another characteristic gesture is to hide his hands in his pockets or put them behind his back. Of course, attentive parents will notice not only these, but also other manifestations of uncharacteristic behavior.

Punish right away? It’s too simple and, moreover, not always fair. Give up your emotions. You need to make decisions about your actions carefully. A child's lies show a lack of trust in you. Consider whether this behavior is also your fault.

A child is lying: possible reasons

We all know well: sometimes, in order to make your life easier and avoid all sorts of troubles, you need to lie. This, if you like, is one of the manifestations of the instinct of self-preservation. A lie is a means by which you can protect yourself, especially if there are only prohibitions around. You can derive certain benefits from it, get out of unfavorable situations with dignity, and stop contacts with unwanted individuals. And you can use it to attack someone. So what is a lie - perhaps a stereotype of behavior that we simply adopt from our environment?

Lies as a signal of problems

No one is born a liar, this is not a character trait inherent in nature. Think about why children lie: in this way they can convey to us a signal that not everything is in order in their lives. Do not rush to punish yourself for not instilling moral values ​​in your offspring and not teaching them to respect their elders. The reason may not be that he doesn't respect you or doesn't love you. There are a lot of motives. And here are just a few of them.

• "Testing the soil". Your son or daughter is trying to understand how you will react to deception.
• Self-defense. The child wants to avoid punishment for unsightly actions, ridicule or “general shame.”
• The desire to impress, attract attention, evoke emotions. Everything is used: from “my uncle is a celebrity” to “my dad hurts me all the time.”
• Manipulation. A child may tell one adult that another allows him to do something when in fact it is prohibited.
• Fantasy. The least harmless and disinterested type of deception, game, fun - moreover, useful for development.

So, the more “dangers”, prohibitions, the more shameful it is to tell the truth - the more tricks you need to come up with. These are completely natural reasons for children's lies.

Sometimes lies can be justified. But if a lie is aimed at causing harm to someone, if it is vile slander, intrigues, the essence of which the child himself understands, this can and should be fought. But only without arranging interrogations and without “beating out” the truth. If a son or daughter really did not want to harm someone, you need to figure out what exactly is preventing them from being frank with loved ones.

The child is afraid

The most common reason why a child lies is fear. Children are afraid that they will be punished and humiliated. They are capable of painfully worrying even about things that seem trivial to us. They are afraid of upsetting or disappointing, or even becoming rejected or unloved. Is it because your parents threaten: “If you do this, I won’t love you anymore!”? And this means that mutual understanding is broken.

Perhaps a child or teenager is judged in cases where they would like support and love. Perhaps even for a small offense they are seriously punished. Maybe they just want to make sure they care about their family. If the sense of security and trust is undermined, you will find that the child constantly lies. At the same time, he often does not think about the consequences at all, and lying becomes an absolutely natural activity for him.

Bad example of elders

Seeing how strained relations are between relatives, the child, willy-nilly, finds himself between two fires, since he communicates with both, loves them all, but understands that they are too dissatisfied with communication with each other. Naturally, he begins to “yes assent” to the opinion of the side on which he is currently located. Because it is important for him not to become an object of hatred, and he simply adjusts.

If you think it’s right to sometimes lie in front of your children (and they clearly understand that you are not telling the truth), don’t be surprised why children lie. They imitate adults and sincerely believe that lying does not mean doing something out of the ordinary.

Rescue or take revenge

Even in fairy tales, villains can be shown a different path so that they do not overtake the fleeing heroes. Children are quite capable of “white lies”, and from a very early age (from about four years old). And if they write not just to shield themselves or someone else, but really want to protect someone, one can hardly blame them for this. Whether the person they are trying to protect is worth such actions is another matter.

It happens that a child lies because it seems to him that he is not loved. Lies become a kind of revenge for “unreceived” love. In addition, if children feel rejected, unwanted, they may try to attract attention and somehow stand out from the rest, even if they receive a negative reaction from their parents, including severe punishment. This will happen again and again. This resembles masochism, but some children really seek attention in at least this way.

Age of lying: childhood and adolescence

Initially, children do what they want or like, without thinking about how correct it is. The job of adults is to correctly explain when actions do not correspond to the norm, and tell why. Swearing and scandals can only achieve the fact that a child can begin to lie at an unexpectedly early age. This whole complex story begins with the usual attempt to hide bad deeds so as not to be punished.

Already at 5 years old, children have a well-developed “internal monologue”; they can modify their thoughts, while composing details well. They already have an idea of ​​what can be said, what should be kept silent, and what should be told in a completely different way. “What can I do so that they don’t scold me anymore? - the kid thinks. “What do I need to say to be praised?” Children begin to lie much more often, and it becomes more difficult to expose them, especially since children can influence their peers or adults who treat them well - they will, voluntarily or unwittingly, take part in deception.

At school age (7 years+), children lie even more convincingly. Psychologists associate this with an increase in vocabulary and brain development in general. In addition, one should not underestimate children's insight: the child already understands how other people think and are guided by what. The lies become more sophisticated. By the age of eight or nine, your child can deceive in such a way that it is sometimes impossible to expose him. By telling all sorts of tall tales to family, friends, and classmates, the child not only feels like a hero, he also believes more and more in what he is saying. This creates a kind of alternative reality that is controllable - in contrast to some threatening, incomprehensible external circumstances.

At the age of 10, the young dreamer realizes that adults place too high demands on him, “make mountains out of molehills” and periodically humiliate him (including in front of others) with moral teachings and lectures. Already at this time, the child is not so much afraid of punishment as he wants to escape from obsessive control, show his independence or defend himself. At the same time, deep down in his soul he is still looking for recognition and support. He knows that if his parents notice his lies, it means they care about him.

At this age, children often have “high expectations.” Fear of disappointing loved ones, confidence that the future depends on behavior and grades - this is what pushes “exemplary” schoolchildren to lie. Realizing that they do not meet expectations, they protect themselves from the overwhelming burden of responsibility.

The teenager wants more freedom, a kind of autonomy. He again creates for himself another reality that he can control, his private life. At this age, a lie is not always something monstrous - when forming a personal space, a boy or girl wants to let only the “chosen ones” into it, and this is a sign of growing up.

A rebellious teenager wants to be independent and does not want to answer to anyone, even his parents, where he goes and what he does. Even if lying was not previously a “regular practice,” parents may be surprised to find that their growing offspring is lying more often. He is silent, denies the obvious, shields his friends (in his opinion, this is quite noble).

The child steals and lies - again, keep negative emotions to yourself. Stay alone with your child. Give a negative assessment of his action, but at the same time remind him that you are not going to fight with the person you love very much. Outline the consequences, tell how upset someone who has lost something or money might be, how his plans are now ruined. Analyze the situation in as much detail as possible, encourage the child to talk: he should see that they want to listen to him. If thefts and lies are repeated, be patient. None of us are perfect. Talk again and explain that your loved one's well-being is very important to you. Get advice on how to fix what has been done. And if he is clearly expecting punishment, just forgive him.

If you are faced with similar problems, think about your child:

• whether he feels that he is deprived of something;
• do you and other family members pay enough attention to him;
• do you take into account his opinion and interests;
• Are you too controlling of him (so that he wants to defend himself from obsession);
• Are you keeping your promises?

Remember: the habits of youth will only develop and improve over the years, and an adult will rather strive to dodge than to stand his ground.

Here are tips from psychologists on how to teach a child to be honest. Be prepared for the fact that you will have to listen to him the truth about your relationship. Encourage people to talk about their feelings in general and in relation to you in particular, and, naturally, impressions should not be only positive. Otherwise, the desire to hide your emotions is again untrue. Don't create this vicious circle.

1. Be a fair realistic and provide this opportunity to your child. Instead of causing a scandal, calmly communicate that you know the truth, but that you are worried and wondering how you can help. Sincerely tell your child that you love him, and he does not need to try to invent something that did not happen in order to deserve good treatment. A lie is a request for support and love, not for punishment. And in general, you cannot reduce all communication with children only to some rules of obedience, thus making them “convenient” for yourself.
2. Say: “I know you lied because you didn’t want to upset me.”. Or: “I see that you did it by accident, you didn’t mean to.” And continue: “But it would be better if you told the truth, because lies make me very upset.” By doing this, you show that you understand the motive behind the lie, and this must be expressed out loud so that the child correctly understands what is happening and your adequate reaction.
3. The importance of being honest must be demonstrated by example.. Remember that children don't just imitate you and learn behavior patterns - they want to be like you. Prove that there is nothing shameful in admitting what you did. Always praise for honesty, say that trust and respect are above all and losing it is very bad.
4. Is your child bragging or making up stories? Spend more time with him, pay more attention. When talking about his behavior, don't get personal. And don’t attach labels like “liar”, “deceiver”. After all, it’s not the person himself who is “bad”, it’s his actions that are bad.

It is important to create an atmosphere in which no one wants to cheat. Isn’t it wonderful when everyone can trust each other with a secret, any actions can be discussed and count on help! The most serious offenses always have an underlying reason that cannot be seen unless you try to talk. Talk about yourself - how you regulate unpleasant situations, face defeats, problems, how you correct your mistakes. Take an interest in the children's lives. If you had to lie in front of your children, be sure to explain why you did it and what motivated you.

In other words, be honest yourself, and you won’t have to think about how to stop your child from lying. Encourage the truth, especially when it is very difficult to tell. Treat everything with understanding, explain what is bad and what is good. Think about what needs to change to solve the problem. This is the key to a good, trust-filled relationship between you and your child - both in the present and in the future!

Print

Parents are alarmed and frightened by their children's lies. What kind of punishment can be applied by relatives, what exactly is so scary and why does a child lie at 10 years old? For advice on children's lies, most people turn to psychologists. It’s one thing when a child cheats, another thing when it’s a ten-year-old child. Here it is necessary to understand the reasons that prompted this. Child psychologists believe that most lies occur because of...

Aggressive behavior of parents is one of the main reasons that causes a feeling of fear in a schoolchild. The environment in which the child’s parents grew up also leaves its mark. In some families, it is customary for some kind of misconduct, be it a bed not made in a timely manner, a briefcase not collected, a full bin of garbage, homework not completed, for which the child can receive a slap or slap in the face. The worst thing in such families is if the child brings an unsatisfactory grade or a diary entry about bad behavior and the need for parents to come to school. The fear of reprisals forces the student to hide everything from his parents, tear out a page in the diary and think that everything will somehow be forgotten and get better. Thus, children find themselves drawn into a vicious circle. After all, if a lie is discovered at a parent meeting, then retribution will be inevitable. For the student, this is fraught not only with physical violence, but also with punishment in the form of being locked in a room, prohibited from watching TV, using a computer, etc.

What if the reason is parental divorce?

Mental imbalance after divorce in women is a common reason that causes a child to lie. When, the greatest trauma is inflicted primarily on children who cannot understand why their dad left them. Sometimes such traumas remain for life, because when the child is 2 years old, he does not understand that the father left the family, but when the son or daughter is already 10 years old, divorce hurts the children. To provide for the family and take care of its members, but not all women cope with this fate.

Very often, weak women have a mental breakdown, and they begin to blame their children for the fact that their husband left them. The worst thing is when such mothers “take it out” on their children, blaming schoolchildren for everything. Often such mothers use comparison methods not in favor of their children, emphasizing the superiority of their peers as smarter and more adaptable. In response to such criticism, a ten-year-old man begins to deceive, because he wants to be praised. A common mistake made by divorced women is that they try to make little soldiers out of their children, harshly giving them orders and demanding unquestioning execution.

Such a mother screams at the top of her voice in the morning - get up! The child’s natural reaction will be to lie that he is sick and cannot go to school, or there are no first lessons. Things are even worse in such a family when it comes to checking homework. The woman will not have enough time to care for her children, because now she is preoccupied with finding additional income and a new spouse. Such children, as a rule, remain for the second year of school, and the mother may find out about this only next fall.

Parental vanity

The vanity of parents is a reason that promotes lying among children aged 10 years. Some mothers see their children as winners of various Olympiads and sports competitions, although the abilities of their offspring leave much to be desired. In this case, children will lie, starting with their academic performance and ending with non-existent victories in all kinds of competitions. Psychologists assure that children are afraid to disappoint their parents, who so want to see their daughter or son excel. Children want to be leaders, the best in the class, and they boast about what they don’t have - good grades, exemplary behavior - this is not a complete list of imaginary successes.

If a lie is exposed, all the blame falls on the neighbor at the desk for interfering with the test work and distracting him with questions. The opinion of psychologists is that boastful children are those who lack love, and teenagers really want to be loved by their parents for doing well in school or winning the Olympics. In order not to upset their father or mother, some sons invent victories for themselves in sports competitions.

The role of your own example

Parents' lies provoke systematic behavior that copies their actions. Some parents themselves are not models of honesty. When communicating on the phone or when calling unwanted people at an apartment, the child is asked to say that no one is home. Sometimes a mother asks her child to tell their grandmother that they are leaving so as not to invite their mother-in-law to the New Year. The child learns that lying is good, and he himself begins to lie when it becomes profitable. In the future, he will lie to teachers at school and his classmates, and this will become a habit.

Reminders from adults about lying are often the reason that cements a child's reputation as a liar. Sometimes the parents themselves lose money or valuable gold items, not realizing that they have moved everything to another place, and begin to accuse their child of theft and lying, remembering that he was previously caught in a lie. No matter how the child makes excuses, they do not believe him. Thus, adults do not blame themselves for being absent-minded and lack of order in the apartment, but shift the blame onto the minor, offending him with their distrust. Often, adults later apologize to children, but the children’s subconscious has already remembered that they are considered liars, thieves, and without noticing, they begin to deceive adults. Often scolding your children means encouraging them to lie and dodge, because they have already completely lost the trust of adults.

The tendency of parents to be overprotective is a provocation of children's lies in order to fight for their rights.

Many families are very protective of their children, forgetting that they have already grown up and have their own opinion, their own point of view. Trying to defend their rights and not be ridiculed by classmates, children resort to lies to assert their priorities.

In the case where the spouse has not yet left, but a conflict is brewing and divorce cannot be avoided, if the mother has a nervous breakdown, minors may begin to lead an immoral lifestyle associated with peers, endless lies, and animals. This is the last chance to stop the breakdown of the family. This is a child’s “cry from the soul” to his parents, a call to come to their senses and save the family. It happens that such behavior is observed when the mother marries a second time and a new family member is born, to whom all attention is directed, and the older child expresses his protest in this way.

How to prevent lies?

Measures to prevent lying in children:

• don't lie yourself;
• don't promise what you can't deliver;
• do not allow aggression, assault, do not raise your voice during conversation and do not shout;
• establish a trusting relationship with the child;
• do not compare your son or daughter with more successful peers;
• take his opinion into account, but do not overprotect him;
• Participate in solving your child's problems so that he does not feel lonely.

Parents must remember that children are the closest and dearest to you; say as often as possible how much you love and worry about them. Show concern for all family members, including grandparents. Do not ignore the comments of elders in the presence of children, otherwise the opinion will be formed that such behavior is the norm. If a son or daughter has done something wrong, then one should not remember this for a long time, reminding them of the incident on opportune occasions. After all, even criminals in prison have the right to amnesty. It is necessary to reprimand for the offense, but not to transfer to the child’s personality.