Causes of scandals. How to reduce quarrels and scandals in relationships... Or another secret of female wisdom. When family scandals threaten your health

Every family relationship, starting with absolute harmony, mutual understanding and the desire to please each other, sooner or later runs into problems. The paradox is that these disagreements and quarrels are traditional and trivial. They pass from generation to generation, from family to family, like a precious heirloom. As life shows, the basis of these scandals is everyday everyday situations. At the same time, experts assure that most senseless quarrels can be easily avoided if you know why they arise. Psychologist and parapsychologist Sergei Shevtsov-Lang will talk about the main reasons for family quarrels.

I know better!

Every married couple has a leader. This is an axiom. At the initial stage of the relationship, when lovers yield to each other in everything, this is not as noticeable as in the middle phase of marriage. However, after several years of living together, the spouses begin to overestimate each other: dissatisfaction with the partner grows, and with it the number of meaningless scandals. Everyone defends their position, proves their superiority and rightness. Even in the simplest, unimportant situations. For example, when a husband and wife argue about who has the right to use the TV remote control, who drives a car better, who washes the dishes faster, etc. Unfortunately, such scandals that arise out of nowhere become an integral part of family life, gradually destroying its foundation - Love. Often the struggle for leadership leads to sad consequences: a man and a woman, having not learned to give in to each other, file for divorce. But maintaining harmony in the family is very simple: it is enough to admit that each spouse is superior to the other in certain activities. For example, there is nothing more natural than the fact that a woman is better at housework, and a man is more masterful with a shovel or screwdriver.

Who will wash the dishes?

Sharing household responsibilities is a perennial problem for many families around the world. Conflict breaks out, as a rule, over the most ordinary reasons. The husband and wife cannot agree on who will wash the dishes, cook dinner, bathe the children, etc. At the initial stage of married life, when harmony reigns in the family, each of the lovers is ready to happily shoulder all household problems in order to please their partner. However, this is precisely what subsequently leads to pointless disputes. The husband reproaches his wife for not wanting to cook dinner, and she reminds him with resentment that he himself once happily took on the task of cooking. Constant petty discord that arises on this basis cools the relationship between the spouses, making them irritated and embittered. And often, by the way, they become the cause of divorce. To prevent such an outcome, a man and a woman should determine in advance the range of their household responsibilities. There will be no subject of quarrel - there will be no reason for another scandal.

Family budget

Money is the most prosaic and common cause of marital scandals. Russian scientists conducted a public survey, which showed that financial disputes regularly break out in 78% of families. Specific reasons can be very diverse: from dissatisfaction with the husband’s income level to the wife’s excessive wastefulness. However, official statistics also confirmed the fact that most of these scandals have no basis. Money is at the center of contention only because it is an integral part of married life. And they can, as if by magic, turn even the most insignificant quarrel into a huge scandal or an ongoing confrontation between two sides.

Lack of control

Building happy family relationships is hard daily work. But, unfortunately, most spouses forget about this after the first year of marriage. A man and a woman who once knew how to cope well with negative emotions, not allowing them to break out and hurt their partner, eventually lose control over their feelings. Sometimes this is facilitated by stress received outside family life. For example, at work. Not allowing them to throw out their anger and aggression on their colleagues, the spouse “breaks down” at home - on those closest to them. Of course, there will always be a reason. A person cannot contain his emotions and, as a rule, significantly exaggerates problems, subconsciously making the offending partner the culprit of his troubles. As practice shows, conflicts under stress never pass without leaving a trace: if they do not lead to divorce, then at least they damage the psychological climate in the family. On the contrary, in families where spouses know how to restrain emotions, serenity and happiness always reign.

This is my child!

Disagreements in raising children are also the subject of many family scandals. In this case, the reason for conflict may be not only different views on the system of punishment or reward for the child, but also the choice of toys, diapers, clothes, etc. Dad, as a rule, tries to defend his unshakable authority in the dispute, and mother proves her natural superiority: her maternal instinct. In any case, while the parents sort things out, it is the child himself who suffers first of all. It is a scientifically established fact: children react to adults’ quarrels very painfully, and in 99% of cases they blame themselves for it. Therefore, parents for whom different views on upbringing become a stumbling block should think about this: every next scandal causes irreparable damage to the child’s psyche. And if you take a closer look at the root of the problem, it turns out that the “war” is completely meaningless: each of the parents loves the child from the bottom of their hearts, but at the same time can be an expert in only a few areas, in some ways inferior to their partner. Recognizing this means giving your baby a happy childhood.

Autumn and winter months most prone to family quarrels and scandals due to lack of sun and bad weather. At this time of year, we rarely walk outside and are more irritated with those who live with us, often regretting then that we should have unleashed a barrage of our emotions on them. No one wants to just make a scandal, it all starts with the fact that you asked the wrong thing or they answered you wrong. And then it went on and on.

In essence scandal may be different. Sometimes they start a family scandal in order to relieve emotional tension. For example, a husband and wife shouted at each other, then measured each other, and both felt good at heart. It’s another matter when a scandal in a family is caused with the aim of realizing a desire and is a kind of emotional blackmail. An example of this could be the hysteria of a wife who knows well that her husband cannot stand women’s tears and screams.

Wife hysterical and crying in this case, he wants to achieve the same thing as a child who falls to the floor and kicks when he cannot force his parents to buy the one he likes. These two types of scandal can be classified as peculiar family games, which over time can end happily and do not lead to the destruction of the family. But often a scandal erupts as an outward manifestation of a deep conflict and is a symptom of serious problems between family members. After such a scandal, none of its participants receive satisfaction and no one manages to concentrate attention on their person. But bitterness and devastation always come. It becomes very heavy on the soul, complete apathy sets in.

For this scandal often follows divorce or complete indifference, pain and disgust towards the person who was once close to you. The participants in the scandal no longer want to live together under one roof; everyone’s soul languishes and aches in pain. After such a scandal, all the dirt and lies come to the surface; there is no point in looking beyond justifications and evidence. A scandal of this kind deprives the participants of the joy of life for a long time; they are in a sad mood for a long time, do not want to communicate with anyone and cannot work.

Here's a typical one story two once close and dear people, about whom Nina told us: “I love my mother, and we have been living together for 15 years, since my mother came to live with us to help me nurse my son, who is already 16 years old. In recent years, my mother has been constantly irritated and angry for no reason, she can rummage through our personal things without asking, cry and accuse us of being so ungrateful with our son. Now we are fed up with her stories about how much effort and resources she spent to raise us, and now she cannot even hope that we are able to give her a glass of water before we die. I no longer have the strength to explain to her that we love her and will never leave her alone, she will never doesn't listen to them and says that she already sees how much we hate her. My son and I are already tired of bending to her mood, as soon as she makes a scandal and goes to live with her friend. In our absence, she brings home her friends and neighbors, who complains about us and our “bad” attitude towards her. “I, too, am already losing my nerves because of this, I often lash out at her and say unnecessary things, and then for several days I feel completely empty, do nothing and come to my senses only after she returns home again.”

How psychologist, I can only advise Nina one thing, stop feeling sorry for herself in this situation and pay attention to her mother. Of course, she loves them more than anyone, but she misses her daughter and grandson. Her soul is screaming in pain, and Nina needs to change her approach to her mother, and not try unsuccessfully to get rid of her nagging and accusations. Try not to lash out at the people you love and are close to you; extinguish every scandal that starts on their part with a smile and the words: “Let’s not discuss this topic now. I love you so much!” If it doesn’t work, go quietly into another room or come up and hug your mother, shaking her a little so that she understands that you don’t like her mood. If she doesn’t perceive anything other than screams, then tell her that you cannot communicate in such a tone with her and will be happy to discuss this topic after she calms down and she is in a different mood.

Often elderly Parents themselves unwittingly become energy vampires for their children. They constantly torment their family with causeless crying and complaints about their lives in order to receive a portion of sympathy, care and support from them. At the same time, the vampire parent loves to curse, intimidate and insult his adult son or daughter in order to destroy his psychological defenses.

Often also lead Jealous and envious spouses openly attack themselves, provoking a scandal and causing an explosion of indignation, despair and anger in their partner, and they themselves take away his energy. By feigning jealousy, the vampire spouse keeps his partner in a state of constant emotional tension in order to get another burst of energy from him. After a conflict, a “fed” aggressor becomes serene and can happily communicate with other people, while his victim cannot come to his senses and feels completely devastated.

If after every family scandal If you feel lethargy, fatigue, discomfort and loss of performance, then this is a sign that you have given all your energy to the person who dragged you into a quarrel. How can you preserve your health and avoid becoming a victim of an energy vampire? Do not turn into a savior for an elderly parent or spouse, but only be a helper. There is no need to take responsibility for their lives and do absolutely everything for them. If they provoke you into a scandal, then it is better to agree with all the comments and smile cheerfully. Do not give the vampire the opportunity to hook you; he must understand that you are not available to him as a source of energy. As soon as you stop being out of balance, the vampire's interest in you will drop.

As Kozma Prutkov said: “If you want to be happy, be happy” and no one can darken our lives if we ourselves find small joys in life, smile at people more often and see only the good in everything.

Often, people who seek psychological help from psychologists, psychotherapists and psychoanalysts complain of a depressive state associated with frequent conflicts and scandals in the family due to mutual misunderstanding of feelings and desires in close relationships.

Let's take a closer look at the source of misunderstanding that leads to disharmony in the family and close relationships.

Greetings, dear blog readers, I wish you mental health!

Misunderstanding in the family is the cause of conflicts, scandals and depression in close relationships

After the love passion that consumes both partners passes; over time, when people more or less get used to and become boring with each other, they begin to get bogged down in the swamp of everyday and everyday problems, forgetting about the need for close relationships.

At this time, misunderstandings in personal relationships begin to appear more and more, leading to conflict situations and scandals with subsequent depression.

A common reason that leads people to break up family and other close relationships is a reluctance to understand each other; unwillingness to realize your mistakes and find compromise solutions.

Misunderstanding of a loved one, his feelings and desires, leads to cold, not at all close relationships. And, as a result, conflicts, scandals, depression

In order to understand what is actually happening; why, quite recently, people treated each other with love and reverence, with dedication and warmth, and now they have become cold and not at all close in their interpersonal relationships, it is necessary to look through time and not for long, in thoughts and imagination, go back to the past .

At the beginning of their intimate relationships, people behaved like children, spontaneously, spontaneously and openly. They lived with natural feelings and desires, not caring at all about the future, about the urgency and everyday problems - they lived in the present and truly.

The lovers were affectionate, caring and tender with each other. Sympathy, love and respect were evident in everything. A sense of self-sacrifice for the sake of another was developed.

In a word, people were literally in close relationships, where, even hypothetically, conflicts and scandals could not arise. There was no point in talking about depression. The most that any disagreement could end with was minor quarrels followed by worry about what happened.

But when people became closer in everyday problems, they automatically began to move away in the true closeness of feelings and desires, replacing it with material values ​​and worries about the future.

Prospects for misunderstandings in the family and close relationships without intimacy

A young couple, after some time has passed together, suddenly begins to often conflict, quarrel, get angry and take offense at each other over trifles.

There appears increased irritability, isolation, fatigue, sometimes insomnia and apathy, decreased sexual desire, simply a depressive state.

People, against the backdrop of misunderstanding a loved one, “reading other people’s thoughts” (speculation), move away from each other, drowning in small everyday problems and worries. Instead of pleasant love relationships, one can only observe mutual reproaches, accusations, and sometimes insults.

Someone has lovers and mistresses, thereby compensating for the missing intimacy (not only sexual) and avoiding severe depression.

Someone lives someone else's life as the heroes of television series, compensating for the lack of expression of true feelings and desires for intimacy. Some begin to get involved in alcohol. Others solve the problem more radically - get divorced, end the relationship and find what they think is the most profitable match.

And often, banal incompatibility and differences in characters are stated. However, even in new families, things usually don’t work out as we would like.

Misunderstanding of each other, the very essence of closeness of human relationships, does not give people the opportunity to be simply happy

It is the closeness, the intimacy of relationships between people, whether in love, friendship or partnership, that is the irreplaceable food of any person to strengthen and maintain his emotional, psychological health and a fulfilling life.

Without truly close relationships, without the satisfaction of feelings and desires that a loved one can give, without the constant exchange of these feelings, people become lonely, even when in a crowd.

What prevents us from being close and not suffering from depression? This is a misunderstanding of both oneself, one’s true feelings and desires, and the feelings and desires of another.

A person, immediately after birth, wants to be close and loved. At first, these needs of the child are satisfied by his mother.

Also, adults need close relationships, recognition and love. Which can manifest themselves not only in love between a man and a woman, but also in friendship and family love.

A family atmosphere saturated with negative, non-close relationships based on replacing true intimacy with everyday life destroys both the individual and the family as a whole.

Everyday life, its arrangement, becomes a barrier to human intimacy, to the expression of true feelings and desires. Leads a person to despair, loneliness and depression.

But, after all, it is the family, in which a favorable climate of close relationships, understanding and love reigns, that is the best and free psychotherapist for overcoming emotional disorders, life troubles and maintaining the mental health of its members.

Two adults can always sit down and constructively discuss their common problems in the family. They can openly explain their feelings and desires to each other, listen and understand, coming to a compromise solution and renewing happy, once forgotten, tender and reverent, warm and close relationships.

If you have similar problems of misunderstanding in your family, then start right now to give each other warmth, love and respect, and put everyday, everyday problems into the background. Believe me, they will not be important if close relationships are completely destroyed.

I wish you psychological well-being!

Ready answers from a psychologist, psychoanalyst

In this article, we’ll talk about scandals, conflicts, quarrels in relationships and how to deal with all this... you will learn: how to quarrel correctly, how to maintain long-lasting relationships, and much more. Let's go)

Quarrels, scandals, conflicts, sometimes hysterics, etc., etc. = whatever one may say, are an integral part of the relationship between a man and a woman.

As a result of this, very frequent misunderstandings arise (for any reason). Those. a woman does not understand a man, and a man does not understand a woman. As a result of this, the same quarrels, scandals, hysterics, claims against each other, rude words, insults, anger, hatred, aggression, etc. arise. and so on. (emotions).

We humans (women and men) have 2 components within ourselves:

• Conscious intelligent component (mind)
• Unconscious animal component (animal instincts) (emotions)

This is why Homo Sapiens is not a fully rational person. Because in addition to MIND, we also have an emotional instinctive component (animal instincts). And animal instincts (emotions) very often overcome the mind (takes over). Hence those very quarrels, scandals, claims, hysterics, rude words, aggression, anger, hatred, and so on and so forth...

Although, I will say more, conflicts arise even from the point of view of the mind, not to mention the emotional sphere. Therefore, it’s impossible to do without quarrels, scandals, etc., no matter how you look at it.

But, in the vast majority of cases, conflicts, quarrels, scandals, hysterics arise due to the emotional sphere. Emotions (the animal) break out and rush away... all because the vast majority of people are low-medium rank (they are dominated by emotions, and slightly by reason).

In high-ranking unions = corresponding man/woman, and reason prevails there. And accordingly, thanks to this, there is no such excessive manifestation of emotions as the vast majority of people have. But, nevertheless, everyone and everything has emotions, just not in such manifestations, not in such quantities as those of low-medium rank (the majority). Read on and you will find out why.

How to be?

The emotional sphere (aggression, anger, negativity, insults, quarrels, scandals, hysterics, etc. things) from the point of view of MIND = in addition to being meaningless and stupid, it also takes away the most basic (and most valuable) resource in a person’s life - time. And also energy, strength, nerve cells, etc. :)

So it turns out that because of the animal inside them, because of the excessive manifestation of emotions, people behave as ineffectively as they could behave... you know?

Therefore, when your girlfriend/woman provokes a conflict, is capricious, starts a quarrel, a scandal, maybe hysteria, etc. things of a PURE EMOTIONAL CHARACTER - you, a man, need to behave correctly and restrain your animal (emotions) inside yourself.

You must understand that absolutely all girls/women are extremely EMOTIONAL creatures (much more emotional than any man), all because their right hemisphere, which is responsible for those very emotions, is much more developed. And our left is logic (we are less emotional).

Arguing with a woman, proving something, quarreling, making trouble, having conflicts and showing EMOTIONS IN THE PUREEST FORM = stupid and ineffective. This won't end well, it's the same as putting out a fire with gasoline. On the contrary, you will add fuel to the fire and make everything only worse.

Your task, as a man, is to suppress your animal instincts (your emotions) when your girlfriend/woman (and other people in general) comes at you. When you are insulted. They curse. They show aggressiveness. Anger. Negative. Hatred. Etc. These are all EMOTIONS IN THE PUREEST FORM. This is all animal behavior. Unconscious. We humans are, in fact, still animals, not rational people...

In what situation will you win? The one where there is calm and control or the one where there is chaos and lack of control? Still OBVIOUS (from the point of view of reason). Do you agree? Control and peace of mind are all yours!

Therefore, in any quarrel, scandal, hysteria = control your animal inside you. Stay calm. This is very difficult, because your animal also rushes out in response. But! Control your emotions. The majority cannot do this. Therefore, the woman begins to get emotional = and the man’s animal breaks out = and off we go. Argument. Scandal. Emotions. Swearing on each other. Conflict. Hysterics. Etc.

Learn to control and suppress your emotional component (the animal within you). It is very difficult. Agree. But! Learn. Work. Control it. In a high-ranking person, unlike low-medium-ranking ones, the REASON rules, and not the unconscious emotional part... that’s why I told you that in high-ranking unions there is no such crap as in the vast majority of people.

REASON is always more profitable (it has an advantage) over EMOTIONS (animal component). Okay, woman... what can I take from her... but you are a man. You should be the main one in the relationship. A leader. Leading. Take responsibility. Be taller than your woman. Be smarter. Therefore, show composure. Calm. Control. Show superiority of reason. And win.

Negative emotions must be...

LOVE is an emotion (animal instinct) (from the point of view of reason, love cannot be explained). So, in a relationship there should be both positive emotions (70%) and negative emotions (30%).

It’s only in romantic films, books about love and other bullshit that everything is cool, joyful, happy ending. In reality, in life, anything can happen. This is life, no matter how you look at it. There is no relationship without negative emotions.

And this is not bad. Moreover, for women, it is extremely important to experience a wide variety of emotions from you. It’s impossible for everything to always be a great success (positive emotions) = a woman will lack something, male strength, this negative energy, you as a man; so that you put her in her place, spank her, etc. showed a man, strength, rudeness, greyhoundness, insolence, etc. understand: constant positivity = it will soon become boring, boring, etc. etc. = and she will look for what is missing - on the side.

A woman may not even understand this. Reading these lines, she may not even understand this. But this is really so, because this is one of the women’s needs - to feel a man next to her. The vast majority of women are not even aware of this, because all this happens on a subconscious level. At the level of the unconscious component. Women are designed that way.

A woman on a subconscious level (without realizing it) will try to bend you all her life next to you. She will do this in order to make sure every time that next to her is a MAN, and not a woman with balls. That's why negative emotions are important!

So come on hey DIFFERENT EMOTIONS! Both POSITIVE and NEGATIVE (required).

Behave correctly, be a man (you need to upgrade yourself to the level of a high-ranking personality) - then you will be the leader in the relationship. A leader. No. 1. Dominant. Where is your female behind you, No. 2.

The woman herself wants and will obey you, obey you, will be submissive and will seem weak (herself). A woman shouldn't have power over you. Shouldn't manipulate you. It should not be a decree for you. Don't be a heel. A weakling. A mattress. Be a man. You are dominant. The man decides everything himself. Yes or no. I will do it or I won't. This or that. Yes, you can listen to your woman - but ultimately, you decide everything yourself. The last word is yours. Remember this like our father.

You are a man, and if you respect yourself, don’t tolerate any stupid woman’s antics. A woman, in many ways, needs to be educated, because all sorts of men in the past spoiled her (and you know, I myself was such a man, a gentleman, bending over, running, lisping, gifts, etc., etc. it made me sick) and They allowed her too much, so she tests you to see how far she can go with you.

Negative emotions are very important. Don't babysit a woman forever. Positive emotions are important, but there should also be negative ones. Male power. Rudeness, insolence, negative emotions, never putting her in her place, being nasty, having rough sex with her, etc. and so on. this is very important, extremely important!

Otherwise, with one positive thing - she will come out on your head and bend you under your heel (she will stop feeling a man next to her) - and will do whatever she wants, she will not respect you, value you, cherish you, etc. and so on. besides, her need will be open (and there may be consequences, for example, betrayal).

When you behave correctly, a woman respects and appreciates you. And she knows that she shouldn’t run into trouble with you again, but she will still do this from time to time in order to once again receive confirmation and make sure that you have not ceased to be a man. This is her need!

There should be constructive criticism...

When there are no emotions in the conversation, but real constructive criticism, this is a completely different matter! It is constructive criticism that is the basis of proper quarrels between a man and a woman.

• If you are not satisfied with something, there are problems, complaints, etc. to your girlfriend/woman, then YOU SOLVE ALL QUESTIONS WITH HER! And not with your friends and other left-wing people.
• If you are not happy with something about your man, there are problems, complaints, etc. - then YOU SOLVE ALL QUESTIONS WITH HIM, and not with your girlfriends, mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters, etc.

And so, for the most part, in life, women get together, and let’s cackle with their girlfriends about nothing for half a day. This is purely a woman’s prerogative - to babble about nothing, share empathy, life, give each other advice and do other bullshit = all because women are designed that way.

In women, speech is used to exchange information, share empathy, listen, listen, etc. and so on. because they have a whole department in their brain that is responsible for speech (conversations), but we men don’t have this, we are much less communicative, and we use speech to convey facts.

Therefore, first of all, this concerns the FEMALE GENDER! All questions, complaints, problems - TO THE MAN. Solve all issues with him. And not with your woman. This is an important, very important rule. Remember!

In order to solve a problem (what bothers you or him) = you need to know about it. Do you agree? Therefore, sit down together and discuss everything necessary, attention: CALM - WITHOUT EMOTIONS!

In no case should you avoid claims, quarrels, problems, etc., by keeping everything to yourself... if you keep it all inside, sooner or later it will break out and invariably lead to a problem much more serious than just another conflict (quarrel).

If something really bothers you or bothers you, don’t keep it to yourself - say it openly and directly, and the problem will quickly be resolved in the bud and the situation between you will not be tense. The main thing is without emotions. Without the manifestation of the animal within oneself. This is a completely different level of relationship.

This is the level of high-ranking individuals (m and f). The majority do not have this (because they are low-mid rank). Most people have the same emotions. That's all. Alas and unfortunately. Draw your own conclusions...

Another important rule: do not remember the past during a new quarrel.

This is one of the rules of a proper quarrel. If you quarrel, then the past (all claims, insults, grievances, etc.) remains in the past. In a new quarrel, only this current situation of yours is resolved.

You need to talk only about it (about this, about one situation, what caused the quarrel), and not about everything at once (what happened before in the past, etc.), otherwise the problem is not solved - it only gets worse .

Only what is here and now. Don't interfere with the past. This way you will get out of the conflict, the problem will be solved. If you grab onto everything at once, don’t expect anything good, everything will only get worse.

And one more important rule 2: during constructive criticism, if you begin to feel that emotions (the animal) are starting to break out, stop the conflict.

This is what I told above. Emotions = nothing. They just make everything worse. Therefore, it is better to go out for a walk, take a break, calm down, and when you come, calmly (without emotions) negotiate and resolve the quarrel.

Relationships are daily work on both sides (even in terms of quarrels). There will be no work - game over. I am sure that this knowledge, this information will help many people. That's all. Good luck!

Congratulations, administrator.