Mom has a new man. Me, my child – and my new man. So different scenarios could develop here.

I am 28 years old. We have been married for almost 10 years, we have five children, and we are still waiting for Lala. I am a housewife. We live well, we have achieved a lot together, I helped my husband. I don’t smoke, I don’t drink alcohol at all, I’m homemade... I asked her relatively recently why they hate me so much, what did I do wrong? And she’s just silent! She lowered her eyes and remained silent. And so she said reproachfully, you give birth too much, your son can’t escape you.

NataliNatali

Good morning!
Girls, when your husband gets together with friends
Is it acceptable
In your relationship, that after such a get-together, your husband stays with friends
And not drag yourself home?
I’m not a supporter of any kind of gatherings at all, I practically don’t go anywhere myself... no, not because I’m some kind of sweetheart, I have a very stressful job and I prefer to spend my weekends at home in the comfort of my home rather than visiting...
My husband got bored with this kind of life and got enough of the house. We don’t have children yet..
Well, I started asking to see my friends, my refusal provokes a global quarrel..
He shouts that I don't understand him
I scream that he doesn’t understand me.
In the end, he leaves safely for a visit
I'm spending the evening in bed
He doesn't go home at night because he knows
What a scandal could happen
Although
I wait for him at night and know what to yell
I won’t, it’s important to me
That a person spends the night at home
And not visiting
Such situations happen
Rarely
But extremely
Output
Me from a state of comfort and calm
Tell me how your husband is doing
Meeting with friends? And how do you feel about it?

Snowflake

I’m really feeling down... Yesterday I came from the dentist with a beautiful tooth, for which I paid half my salary. And as luck would have it, money is always needed at once, and there is little of it. Winter is coming, we have 6 today. The youngest needs a winter suit. I'm running out of all my cosmetics. Toner, mascara, and even your favorite Mexx scent! I completely forgot about autumn boots. I'll buy it in the spring. I got back from vacation in September, and for October they gave me such a ridiculous advance that it wouldn’t even have been enough for me to pay half a tooth. I asked the accounting department for more, they said that they would transfer it on Monday. Okay, my husband supported me financially.
We agreed with him that I spend my salary on children and my wants, I even saved a little, and now I’m breaking even!
I decided how to save money. That's about perfume. We sell fragrances on tap; I bought them during my poor youth, but they are so strange that they all smell the same. They also sell mini versions in beautiful little jars. They cost much less, but they are also several times smaller. So I have a stupid question: has anyone used these scents? And this is exactly perfume or eau de toilette. And if the latter, then how long will this meager amount last? Salary November 2.

Just Marina

I'm bored at work, so I'm creating a topic based on requests from workers
slides are welcome to everyone (within the forum) and by everyone))))
We have a 2-room Khrushchev house (not everyone lives in the capitals and uses renovation))), I work from 10 to 20 (from Tuesday to Saturday inclusive), you can hear everything in the next room, I know this very well, because I spent my childhood there (it happens), my husband has a normal schedule - weekdays, from 8 to 18.
Previously, the child studied on Saturday, we had the morning for this, now on Saturday the child is at home
Sunday is left, but sending your daughter to her grandmother is almost impossible, it’s very difficult, getting ready takes 3-4 hours, it takes all your strength and desire (((
I'm waiting for original advice from the almighty where and when??? do not forget about the age of 46 years and the considerable dimensions of both
P.S. the summer season was closed (my husband still remembers))

Anonymous

Hello, mommies. We have been going to the kindergarten for the second year, now we are in the 2nd junior group. We have an unusual boy in our group who beats everyone. He hits and fights not during the game, but unexpectedly comes up to the players and hits them from behind with anything, maybe with his hand or a typewriter or a pyramid and moves on. When the children see him approaching, they run away in the corners, and if you're playing too hard and don't see it, you'll get it, please. Yesterday I tore a decent cheek on one of them. Many children already speak well and say that Vasya offended this child today, and yesterday another. The mother reacts inappropriately to everything and says that in the evening we teach the children to slander her son. But my son has been going to kindergarten for two years now and still does everything in his pants!! The child doesn’t do exercises, doesn’t listen to the teachers, I haven’t seen a single handicraft of his that is displayed in the locker room. The teacher blurted out that Vasya chooses a victim and hunts for her. We went to the manager, but she couldn’t do anything, that everything was only with consent parents. What to do? how to act? The child is a threat

© Still from the film “Moscow Doesn’t Believe in Tears”

People get divorced, but the children remain (most often with their mother). And mom begins to arrange her personal life. We tell you how to introduce a child to his mother’s new boyfriend so that a warm relationship develops between them

ANNA PRIVEZENTSEVA

psychologist at the Tochka Center for Support of Teenagers and Their Parents

Take your time

When a woman begins a new relationship, during the period of falling in love, which lasts on average about 9 months, it seems that everything is fine, there are no problems, this man is the only one. There is definitely no need to take him home and introduce him to the child at this time. Do not devalue relationships in the eyes of a child. You need to introduce a man to a child only after the woman is sure that this is the right person, and she is ready to build a relationship with him.

Discuss everything in advance

First of all, a man is a partner for a woman. And only then he has some kind of relationship with the child.

What they can be:

First you need to look at what kind of relationship the child has with his father. If he is present in the children’s lives and everything is fine, then the function of the new man is reduced to a minimum - to good friendly relations with the children.

If there is no father in the child’s life and there is no connection with him, then it is theoretically possible that the new husband can take a paternal position in relation to the child. But only if: a) the man wants it himself, b) the woman is ready for it. Women often think that their child needs a new dad. But in fact, the mother must honestly ask herself: is she ready for someone other than her to have influence on the child? Giving a man the role of father means empowering him. That is, the father, with all his powers, can make comments to the child, regulate the child’s behavior, and have the right to vote in discussions about clubs and schools. It often happens that a woman seems to really want the child to have a good new dad, but she constantly slaps the man on the wrist as soon as he tries to start raising the child. It shouldn't be this way.

If a man is not ready to become a new dad, it is not fatal

Purely biologically, a man has a mechanism that allows him to sincerely love the child of a woman whom he loves. And stories when a man managed to love a step-child as his own are not uncommon. But this mechanism is triggered only on the condition that a man, in principle, has a need for paternal feeling.

So different scenarios can develop here:

A man is just a partner. He is responsible for the woman, but he is not responsible for the child. Education is purely her concern. In this case, he can establish good friendly relations with the child, when no one offends or educates anyone, and all the difficult issues associated with the child’s behavior are decided by the woman.

The woman says: how about you be my child’s new dad? And the man doesn’t mind at all. And here the gradual “seizure of territory” and building relationships should begin. Moreover, a man must understand that intimacy is not only love and positivity, it is also aggression, anger towards each other, and other strong feelings. And if he becomes a real dad, then he and the child can experience all these feelings. Everyone needs to be prepared for this.

Organize your acquaintance correctly

If you are sitting at home, and then your mother brings some uncle and says “here is your new dad,” no one will take it seriously. You need to introduce a child to a man on neutral territory. There is no need to bring home a stranger with sensational messages. First, you can go for a walk in the park together, go somewhere together, that is, gradually get to know each other. If you bring a man home straight away, the child may perceive this as a threat, an attack on personal space.

No need to say that this is dad. Because a man is first and foremost a partner for a woman. And if he wants to build some kind of relationship with the child, there must be initiative on his part. It is very important to be interested in the child’s life, ask his opinion, and if you manage to praise him, that’s absolutely wonderful.

There is no point in giving a child a gift by “buying” him. There is no need to specifically emphasize its special status. The child must understand that the world does not revolve around him. The man is, first of all, my mother’s new husband.
And the child is not the main one here.

Remember the family hierarchy

Any new person who appears in the family - be it a small child or a mother's new boyfriend - immediately occupies the lowest place in the family hierarchy. Often even a domestic cat can rank higher. This is how the group works: any newcomer has an initially low status. And to increase this status, you need to make an effort. For example, demonstrating strength. Not direct aggression, of course. Rather, show your character, charisma, make decisions, solve problems. That is why there is no need to initially jump around the child - he is already higher than the man in the family hierarchy. On the contrary, the child, due to the fact that he cannot yet bear responsibility for what is happening, must take his rightful lower place. And the man must rise. Not right away, of course. This may take from one to five years.

There is no need to be afraid that a man will not be able to tolerate the antics of a teenager

Why are parents usually so affected by teenage behavior? Parents and children have a very close bond. And a child in adolescence really wants to break it, to distance himself, and separation from the parent occurs due to aggression. That’s why sometimes our own children hurt and infuriate us so much. At the same time, other people's teenagers, with whom we have never had close relationships, may not irritate, but seem touching and funny, no matter how unbearable they behave. Behind all their antics, it is easy to see their childish nature. Therefore, for a man, a long distance with a teenager can be life-saving. A man here can become the voice of reason.

And there is also an important point about teenage girls. Often male partners distance themselves greatly from the teenage girl. This is how the natural mechanism works. A teenage girl develops very rapidly, and the sexuality that bursts out can be exciting. This is why a man often establishes a very large distance with a girl at a certain age - and this happens unconsciously. Even fathers behave this way. It seems like he cuddled her all childhood, adored her, doted on her soul - and then suddenly became cold and distant. This is completely normal behavior and there is no need to worry about it.

Better lower your expectations

A man signs up first of all for a relationship with a woman. And his paternal mechanism may or may not kick in. So don't expect too much about his fatherly role. A woman needs to firmly remember: she is looking for, first of all, a partner for herself, and then a father for her child.

Of course, this is not easy to accept. Especially if the woman was married, and the responsibility for the child was shared equally, and after the divorce she was left alone, and it’s hard for her and she wants to share this responsibility with someone again.

In addition, there is no need to expect from a man in advance that he will be such a certain dad. He may want to be a dad - but in some other way, which does not always correspond to a woman’s expectations. Therefore, it is important to discuss everything, gradually share powers and give the man the opportunity to get comfortable.

There is no need to break up with a man if the child doesn’t like him

In such a situation, a woman needs to be firm. The message here should be something like this: I love this person and I want to live with him now, and not in 10 years, when you have an independent adult life and you no longer need me. So let's try to make sure that you irritate each other as little as possible. You don't have to love him, but I do, so I want us all to find common ground.

In fact, a woman always has her own separate relationship with her child (she builds it, despite the presence or absence of a partner) and her own separate relationship with a man. And here there should not be a choice “either a husband or a child” - you need to explain to everyone that everyone has their own place and one does not replace the other.

Good morning. Galina, pAllow me to answer your question based on the experience of professional psychotherapy of family relationships.
Your question " I do not know what to do"
Answer. At a minimum you should:
1. Recognize: your child is a consequence and result of your parenting that you do not like. This will allow you to analyze the system of your upbringing, find and correct your parental mistakes (“He used to sleep with me, now of course I have to sleep alone... I always lie with him before going to bed until he falls asleep and tell him how much I love him”), at a minimum, change the education system, update parental requirements for the child’s behavior, the system of “reward and punishment”, etc.
2. Calm down, remove unconscious fears, and begin to solve the problem rationally and pragmatically.
3. Do something your son doesn't expect. For example:
*Remove your son's manipulations, and his next threat (" will go live with dad"), answer him:
“I hope you have already agreed on this with your father. You know that I love you, which means I respect your decision. And if you want to go to your father, go. Father won't do anything bad. If you want, you can call. When you pack your things, step in a way that your son does not expect, stop being afraid (with the help of your fear, your son controls yougoes to live with dad and dad’s new wife”).
4. Urgently change your attitude towards your son, because your son is becoming a man, things are being released into his blood, like all teenagers.uncontrolled sex hormones. You must be aware:
a) you are creating sexual complexes in your own son ("He used to sleep with me, now... I have to sleep alone....I always lie with him before going to bed until he falls asleep and tell him how much I love him"), which confirms his protest behavior your son's behavior (" I don't like that he sees us kissing...may come up to cough in my husband’s face, hit him in the stomach, doesn’t wash it off, shows aggression towards the cat.”)
b) at any age, a child is obliged to become separated from his parents, a teenager is even more obliged to sleep alone - this is an axiom.
5. Urgently, together with your husband, you should contact a family psychotherapist who will help you:
*explain to you, for example, that your son views your husband as a rival;
* for both you and your husband to learn new behavior patterns and methods of interaction with your son,
*adjust the education system, your current one is causing great harm to your son, etc.
Wisdom to you.
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In our time get married usually come out a second time women who were already married and had a child from this marriage. It was revealed that lonely mothers can get married just as successfully as women without children. The possibility of this event decreases in divorced women by only 10%.

When mom finds her man, and in the end they get married, then incomplete family finally becomes complete. But establishing mutual understanding in such a family is much more difficult. This is due to the presence of children from the past in one, and sometimes both spouses. marriage. By getting married, a woman and a man enter into a new life, but their children are unlikely to.

A family where one of spouses in marriage for the second time is a union of the life that was and the one that is now. However, this does not mean that a woman who was once married will face the same fate as before, because this is completely different for her. life with a completely different man. When a mother gets divorced, she becomes the only one for her child. protection. However, it happens that mom is too passionate about her new life and completely forgets about her child.

Children are very impressionable, so they thoughts constantly changing: they either become curious and want to see both mom and dad next to them, then they get angry and become depressed. However parents It’s also not easy; they often cannot simply explain to the child what is happening. But it’s worth knowing that even kids really want to hear the truth.

The child belongs to stepfather either good or bad. This happens for various reasons. Firstly, his attitude determined by what gender the child is, what kind of temperament or character. However, a lot also depends on the stepfather; the only question is whether he wants to improve relations with his stepfather. Conducting research, it was found that 20.6% of children are not hostile towards their stepfather.

Studies have shown that the child is psychologically and mentally ill feels himself in his new family only because of his mother. This happens because she either demands too much from the child or completely indifferent to him. She behaves this way only because she herself cannot put her thoughts in order. But if the mother does not have such problems and she is especially attentive and care treats his child, then his relationship with his stepfather will soon move forward. According to estimates, there are about 14% of such families that managed to withstand all the hardships and eventually became truly close to each other.

To raise a child with dignity, both mother and stepfather need to trust each other in this question. Here are a few advice To make this process more successful:

• if you and your husband haveharmony, then he will treat the child with warmth;
• do not quarrel with your spouse in front of the child, this will negatively affect his psychological state;
• there is no need to try in every possible way to make a stepfather dad for your child, and force the child to call him that, let them come to this themselves;
• the mother must take care that the child does not feel flawed when a new man appears in your life;
• Do not under any circumstances prohibit your child from seeing his biological father. So now the child emotionally It’s hard, so don’t make it worse.

A stepfather can quickly establish a relationship with a child if:

• he plays with the child in various unusual games games;
• never compares the child with his current one wives with his child from his first marriage;
• he doesn't have assault in relation to the child;
• Not screams at his wife and does not raise his tone towards her;
• does not say that only the man has the right to vote in their family, and never makes fun of how she raises her child.

In the end, I would like to wish everyone who is now in exactly this life situation not to be afraid to build their new life, to establish communication, both with your new husband and with your own child, as well as with your spouse’s child. May you enter into a new marriage with a man, and may you remain in it until the end of your days, experiencing only the most happy moments.

Helps women with children take the first step towards new happiness - go on a date. Moreover, with those whom the children themselves chose. What to do in life? After all, the comfort of the child is the main thing for the mother, but not always everything works out in such a way that both the mother, her new companion, and the children are happy with the changes in the family structure.

How to properly introduce a man into the house, introduce him to the children and create comfort again? Should you listen to the child’s opinion completely or should you not indulge his whims? How to make sure that the appearance of a man does not affect the child’s psyche in the future, and that the new partner finds an excellent common language with them? Moms have a lot of questions. A specialist comments on the situation.

Yulia Vasilkina, psychologist, sociologist, author of books for parents

“Divorce is a difficult experience for both spouses and their children. But time passed, emotions subsided, and the desire to find new love appeared. Relationships begin to develop, thoughts appear about the possibility of new “happiness in personal life,” when suddenly an obstacle arises: mothers have to face opposition from their children.

Everyone suffers: the woman, her new partner, and the children themselves. Mothers regularly turn to psychologists with questions: why is this happening and what to do in this difficult situation for everyone. Do boys and girls behave differently? Of course, there are certain features.

Boys 11-14 years old become very attached to their mother after a divorce, and the appearance of a new partner is perceived with hostility. Boys have higher levels of aggressiveness, and the surge in production of the main male hormone testosterone at 11-13 years of age (800 times higher than in infancy) makes them even more conflicted.

They begin to feel like “real men” and competition comes to the fore. This is why boys have such a hard time accepting their mothers' new partners: they see them as competitors.

Boys also tend to solve any problems by running away. from them. Therefore, when a new man appears in the family, cigarettes and drugs disappear from morning to evening (or even until morning) on ​​the street. However, during adolescence, boys (as well as girls) enter a period when they need an adult friend-mentor of the same sex, but not a parent. And if the mother's new partner manages to win the boy's trust, they can become true friends.

Girls are by nature much more adaptive, caring, more sensitive to nuances, focused on harmonizing relationships. This provides less ground for contention. They tend to adapt to any situation they find themselves in, rather than reacting by running away like boys. Therefore, even if a daughter expresses negativism towards her mother’s new partner, it is easier to come to an agreement with her than with a boy. Girls are also characterized by a fear of “strange” men, especially in adolescence.

However, these are only general trends. In each specific case, it can be completely different: an aggressive dominant girl is able to “run away” into alcohol, drugs, and begin to study poorly in order to draw her mother’s attention from her boyfriend to herself. There are also sensitive, anxious boys who go into illness.

Both boys and girls can be spoiled and be the “navel of the family”, and there are no gender differences. Parents use both boys and girls as a buffer, trying to “win” them over to their side after a divorce. Mothers “take revenge” on their husbands by not allowing them to meet their children, regardless of the gender of the children. And children, in turn, can take revenge by not accepting the mother’s new partner.”

Joint activities bring absolutely everyone closer together. If children are interested in them, tension is unlikely to arise in the relationship. Photo: thinkstockphotos.com

Dating rules

“We have all heard about the importance of first impressions. As they say, you can only make a first impression once. Therefore, it is important to properly introduce your child to a new partner. How to do it?

1. Tell your child in advance that you want to get married. Explain the advantages of married life. Answer all of your child's questions.

2. If you meet a worthy person, talk to your child about it. Tell us why this person is interesting, what attracted you to him. Tell this not with the goal of “asking permission” from the child to continue the relationship, but to inform.

3. If your relationship develops, then periodically tell your child about this person. And tell your man more about your child: let him know what an important place this little person occupies and

4. If you decide to introduce your new partner and your child, then according to your stories they will already know each other in absentia. You will be able to predict the child's possible reaction. If the child has a negative attitude, put off getting to know each other for now.

5. Let the person coming to the house bring the child a gift, but not too expensive. It is better if the gift corresponds to the interests of the child. If you've told your partner about your child's interests, they'll have something to talk about.

6. After meeting, discuss with your child how it went. Answer all questions. If the reaction was negative, do not rush to scold and reproach. Think about what could be going on here.

Many women hesitate to enter into a new marriage (or even a relationship), “protecting” the child. But remember that such a closed system as “mother-child” is quite bad for its development. In such a system, the child often occupies a role that is not childish at all.

A boy, for example, may be given the role of an adult man, and when the time comes for him to build his own family, this may have a bad effect on his relationship with his mother, who will consider herself “devoted.” A girl may also have difficulty entering into a relationship, because... She remains the only close person for her mother. And letting such a person go into adulthood, oh, how difficult it is!

Therefore, boldly look around, and perhaps you will see. If you are honest with your child, appreciate and love him, but do not forget about yourself, your family will be able to find harmony. And if problems arise, there are psychologists, right? Good luck!"

In order not to panic, you should take advantage of other people's positive experiences. What can a stepfather give a child? Let's watch the stories of the stars!