Amputation of conscience. Why do men forget about children after a divorce? Why don't men want their children after divorce? What will change the situation

If the reason for the breakup was mutual misunderstanding or (even worse!) problems with alcohol or drugs, then who needs to maintain the appearance of a good relationship. The real “encyclopedia of divorce” is M. Kozakov’s film “Pokrovsky Gates”. The Khobotovs, generally nice and intelligent people, made every conceivable mistake that could be made in such a situation:

• “We are civilized people!” There is an opinion that one should not lose face in the event of a breakup. Of course, such an outcome has a right to life. But only if both spouses want it. If a man, for some reason, opposes such “high relationships,” then his opinion must be respected;
• custody of ex-husband. What makes you think that he will be lost without you? It so happened that you stopped being family.

Do men need children after a divorce - why do they forget about them?

It is also now more difficult for the father to come to the former family, where another man has appeared - his role becomes nominal and he feels like a complete stranger. Now he is almost completely removed from the upbringing process and is completely moving away.

It is important to remember that no matter how wonderful a stepfather is, he will never be able to take the place of his father. Don't try to swap them. The child himself must love or respect your new partner.

But at the same time, he should always have a place in his soul for his dad. Time puts everything in its place - when children grow up, most of them try to find their father.

This is a deep and natural need to “come” to the person who gave you life. After all, “it doesn’t matter what happened with their mother later - the most important thing is that they once met, loved each other, and as a result of this love I was born.”

Why do men forget that they have children after a divorce?

Men will have fear and uncertainty about fatherhood and success in family life, and women will have incorrect expectations and attitudes towards men. Take a close look at how relationships developed in your man’s family and in what conditions he grew up.

Analyze your female model - is there a good place for a man and a father in your family model? Assess how male and female responsibilities are distributed between you. Women want a strong, reliable man nearby who can take care of them.

But, unfortunately, they often wishful thinking and confuse strength with aggressiveness, confidence with narcissism and impudence, freedom with irresponsibility. The beauty of “brutal men” is that they seem strong because they ignore the rules and do what they want.

Why do men forget about their children after a divorce?

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It is produced during close physical and emotional contact between people, making us kinder and more tolerant of each other. In women, the maximum release of oxytocin occurs during childbirth and when breastfeeding. But even if not all women have a maternal instinct that awakens immediately and it takes time for a mother to become attached to her child, then in some men this hormone is not produced at all and they are not capable of attachment in principle.

Look at his previous connections. If they lasted a year or two and he left, easily leaving his women and children, then you should think about it - most likely, you will not be an exception. Often a woman does not perceive a man completely, but as a certain function, for example, as a wallet or a breeding male.

And after the birth of the child, when she gets what she wanted, the man is “pushed aside.”

Do men need children?

And trying to take care of a stranger, moreover, without his desire, looks somewhat strange;

Attempts at manipulation will lead to nothing good.

Do men need their children after divorce?

Do women themselves want to change the current situation? They want to. But paradoxically - in the direction of reducing the frequency of meetings! Only 17% would like more frequent contacts between fathers and children, and 41% would not want them at all. The main reasons are clear - care for the child, to protect him from the bad influence of fathers (the man is an alcoholic, etc.) and care for his own comfort - the desire to leave the child only to yourself, so as not to feel lonely and to protect yourself from unpleasant experiences and memories. But don't forget that your child was born because he had a mom and dad. And no matter what kind of parents they are, they are the only ones for the child.
Do not forbid your child to love his father and do not impose your negative attitude. The next significant factor influencing the relationship of divorced fathers with their children is the marital status of the former spouses after the divorce.

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Fears and complexes are disguised as callousness, the man withdraws and even fails to accept a certain philosophy of life. It is easier for him to leave, explaining to himself and others why he did this. Nowadays, almost half of children grow up in single-parent families and, as a rule, are raised by their mother and grandmother. This includes girls, who, growing up, have great difficulty in creating good partnerships, where a man feels like a man and a woman feels like a woman. Many, following the example of their mother, “take everything upon themselves” or do not “let the father see the child”, not trusting him. And if a man feels unwanted, what will hold him back? If in your family or your partner’s family there were overprotective parents or not enough warmth and love; strong mother and weak infantile father; there was no father or there was financial instability - all this can affect the formation of character.

Divorced parents should remain allies in raising children

Even more people don’t go for divorce, so as not to lose them and so that “someone else’s man doesn’t appear nearby.” And in many ways, such fears turn out to be justified. If a woman has not come to terms with the situation, has not let go of her husband and continues to live in her grievances, then the child becomes an ideal tool for her to manipulate a man. With his help (whether I allow him to communicate or not), she can control, manage and punish a man. Everything he does is taken for granted, but not enough (no matter what you do, you will always be guilty and will not atone for your guilt in any way). Support and attention are not appreciated or even rejected (we don’t need anything from you), the wife constantly demonstrates her dissatisfaction. Yes, this is how you can take revenge on a man so that he “feels bad too.”

Why do fathers forget their children so quickly after divorce?

But they are afraid to admit it to themselves and others. Because they are very scared - will I cope, will I be able to be a good father? And because they don’t know how. If a man himself grew up without a father, how can he know what it means to be a “good father” and how can he learn it? If before his eyes is an example of a family where “there is no father, but the mother does everything” or if the roles are confused, when “the mother earns money and the grandmother raises”, it is difficult to expect anything different.

Yes, it happens that such a man will be kind to his family and do everything possible and impossible for the children. But in most cases, the single-parent family model is the norm for him.

It will be difficult for him to work out and formulate the correct place of a man in the family. Often he grows up childish and at heart remains a “little boy” who does not want to take responsibility for others.

If one of the parents remarries, contacts weaken or break. In the case of the father's marriage - in 32% of cases. Some men perceive an unsuccessful marriage as a mistake.

And this attitude can transfer to children - you want to forget everything and start life from scratch. A new family and new children are a new opportunity to do something differently and forget about bad experiences.

Sometimes the new wife “helps” with this, being jealous and not letting him go to his ex-wife and children (or me or them). But if the mother gets married, then in more than half of the cases, meetings become less frequent or stop altogether.

At this moment, the woman wants to finally “turn the page and hang a big iron lock on her past life.” She hopes to forget everything and wants the stepfather to become a closer person to the child and replace the father.

Emotional recovery also takes time. This way, you take a kind of time out to take the next steps, consciously and intelligently, without unnecessary emotions. This is especially true for families with children. One way or another, communication between spouses will continue.

Where to start communication? From a constructive conversation. Practice shows that this is the most difficult moment. The resentment still makes itself felt, and the attempt at civilized communication ends in nothing.

Virtual conversations help: messaging via email, Skype or ICQ. You cannot throw accusations in the face of your opponent; you have the opportunity not just to write a text, but to think about it and, if necessary, edit it. The most unpleasant information in text form looks more restrained. Only after you are mentally ready to move on to “real” communication, arrange a meeting.

Over the past month, I have received at least five emails with the same question. Why doesn't my child's father love him and want to take part in his upbringing? Or rather, the questions were formulated differently, and the circumstances of the girls writing were also different. Someone’s husband completely forgot about the child after the divorce - he doesn’t remember about meetings, or about alimony; someone's boyfriend left him after announcing his pregnancy; someone accuses the ex-husband of being much more passionate about the son of his new passion than his own. There is one thing in common: the man lives and enjoys life, and is not at all interested in his child.

I have reason to believe that the girls were waiting for a recipe for putting errant men back on the right path, or at least for sympathy and understanding. “Oh, a woman’s lot is hard. All men are assholes, for sure.”

I understand and am very sorry. But I don't have a recipe. As well as the desire to brand the men described. Because fatherhood is an extremely complex matter.

“I can’t understand,” one girl writes to me, “how can you not love this little creature - warm, gentle, your little blood? How can you not feel all its charm? How can you not want to raise your son, your heir, teach him everything you know, open the way to the big world for him?”

- You can, dear girl. Unfortunately, you may not feel or want all this. For you, your son is an absolute value. It is you who will give everything you can for him. You can spend hours admiring how he sleeps, sniffles and blows bubbles. But your man may feel something completely different. You see, he may not feel ANYTHING towards the child AT ALL! Not because he’s a scumbag and a scoundrel, but that’s just the way he is – and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Let's dot the i's. I don’t condone men running away from their pregnant wives and evading alimony. In no case! If a child is born, both parents must be responsible for it. We are talking about something else.

Many women really sincerely do not understand how it is possible not to feel for a child what they themselves feel - tenderness, love, the desire to be close. They get angry, offended, scold, blame. But everything is very simple. Do you think I’ll write now: men are from Mars, women are from Venus? 🙂 Eh, no. It's just that everyone is different. There are different priorities, desires and plans.

There are men who, from the very birth of a child, treat him with trepidation - they play, rock, bathe, walk, rejoice at small and big successes. So he started holding his head up, then he turned over on his own for the first time, and hurrah! the gas is gone, my tummy no longer hurts. Pierre Bezukhov, I remember, admitted with pleasure that his palm was sculpted as if on purpose for a baby’s bottom :)

There are men who become really interested in children when they grow up a little. Then you can have a heart-to-heart talk with your son and daughter, play football or play the guitar, and enjoy watching them grow up.

Others, leaving the child’s mother, throw him out of life. “Children are, of course, good. But they will never compare with what you have with the woman you love.”

And someone, on the contrary, will give everything to be able to be close to their child. Because parting with him is like losing a body part. And for him, love/dislike for a woman will never erase what was and is in relation to children.

There are men who don’t want children at all. Not ready for fatherhood. Neither to his joys nor to his difficulties. Remember, who only matured at the age of 60 to have children? Or he might not have matured. And there’s nothing wrong with that! This is his business and his choice.

Another question: the man is not ready, but the child still appeared. Well, let him take responsibility for it. But demanding all-consuming love for a baby is stupid. Maybe she will come. Or maybe not.

Actually, what am I getting at? - to the one, that Don’t waste your time on fruitless worries and unconstructive questions.

The man left you with the child? - Demand from him what is required by law. Don’t ask yourself and those around you - why, oh why doesn’t he love his child? Why doesn't she want to be with him? He doesn’t want to – that’s the point. The child is not on his list of priorities.

Don’t flatter yourself with hopes that someday he will “understand.” But it will be too late...

It seems to you that by not communicating with the child, he is robbing not so much him, but himself - after all, it is so cool, so amazing for the undead to raise and teach your child. Maybe that's true. But at the moment, these are your joys. He chose others.

Just close the chapter. Smile and remember that the world is big. It contains you, your wonderful child and many different people. Including wonderful, kind and children-loving men (photos of the latter are below:))

For a child, the father is one of the most important figures in life and destiny. Despite the fact that fathers spend less time at home than mothers and have heart-to-heart conversations with their children less often, they a huge impact on the psychological and moral development of a son or daughter. In raising a child they are no one or nothing cannot be replaced.

However, as often happens, after the termination of relations with the child’s mother, the father seems to forgets that his son or daughter is growing up, completely stops communicating with the offspring.

Sometimes such fathers limit themselves to congratulations on their birthday and giving gifts for other holidays, without thinking that the child needs not this, but live communication, advice, attention to his affairs and problems.

Why fathers don't communicate with children after divorce

Why does it happen that fathers no longer need children raised by mothers without their participation? Why do fathers stop communicating with their children after a family breakdown?

Psychologists believe that the reasons for this attitude of men may lie in the character of a person, in his value orientation, as well as in the culture to which he belongs. Let's consider main reasons.

1. Many modern men don't believe in the future And refuse to appreciate the past. The instability of modern life means that men no longer feel like the main link in the family chain, the successors of the family. They live one day at a time and do not think about the future or about other people, including children. All care for children (even in two-parent families) is completely transferred to the shoulders of women.
2. Modern men have completely priorities and social guidelines have changed. Their social ranking is no longer determined by the number of heirs or the power of the family clan. Material well-being is much more important now. For this reason, children have ceased to be important to the stronger sex, because they do not see the point in “stressing” over something that will not bring them success.
3. Nowadays many men lost moral guidelines, believing that everyone should be for themselves, that you can’t rely on anyone in life. It is quite natural that with such an attitude, children, as long-term projects requiring reliable partners, are not considered by men as something worth paying attention to.

Many men began to ignore their obligations to society and stopped feeling that they had an obligation to raise their offspring. This opinion is based on the belief that the modern state does not value its citizens.

Thus, the wrong attitude of fathers towards their children has strong social and cultural reasons, which are not so easy to eliminate. However, if you don’t look deep into the problem, the answer to the question of why dads don’t communicate with their children after a divorce can be found on the surface.

• Firstly, this may appear a man's reluctance to see his ex-wife(which is inevitable), who quite possibly already has a new husband. There are many feelings mixed here: resentment, wounded male pride, and anger.
• Secondly, the father can transfer your hatred of your ex-wife to your child. This reason is especially obvious in a situation where the son or daughter is very similar to the mother or relatives on the mother’s side.
• Thirdly, a man a new family can be formed, requiring all his attention, and there is simply no time, energy, or finances left for the children from his previous marriage. In addition, the new wife may resist communication between the father and the child from his ex-wife.
• Fourthly, men, in general, treat children differently than women. Somewhere very deep in them there may be fear or suspicion that the child was not conceived from him (after all, only the mother can be 100% sure that the child was born from her).
• Fifthly, as is known, dad's love and mom's love- these are two absolutely different substances. A mother loves her child simply for who he is, no matter what his appearance, character, performance at school, etc. At the same time, it is important for the father that the offspring be the way the father wants him to be, so that the child meets his expectations and requirements (for example, he is successful, healthy, handsome, athletic, has common interests with his father).

If this does not happen, or if the child is still too small to win the love of his father, then the man ceases to see the point in continuing to communicate with that person who simply comes from him biologically, but does not evoke any parental feelings and pride.

It is not enough to understand the reason that a father refuses to interact with his children after a family breakdown - this needs to be corrected, if possible. Otherwise, it turns out that communication between father and son/daughter is nothing more than simply imposed mandatory communication due to living together.

What should a mother do if the father does not communicate with the child?

If the problem in question did happen, and the ex-husband, having left his family, completely forgot that he (albeit without him) had a son or daughter growing up, then the woman has to do something to solve this problem. After all, she understands that paternal attention in any form is extremely important for children. What can she do?

• It is important to know that for a child, a father is one of the pillars in life, a person whom one always wants to see and know, regardless of the father’s character or his attitude towards his son/daughter. Important tell your child about any signs of interest in him on the father's side, inviting him to the baby's birthday party.
• You can call your ex-husband and invite him to a matinee in kindergarten or school, tell him about the successes of your son or daughter, so that awaken his interest in the child and his deeds.
• As a last resort, the following can be recommended: the mother can ask the father to babysit or take him with her for the weekend while she is on a business trip, undergoing treatment, etc., allegedly due to the impossibility of finding someone who could do this in the absence of her mother. It is possible that some paternal feelings will still arise.
• You can't lie son or daughter that dad will come or call soon, without indicating exactly when this will happen. Uncertainty is detrimental to a child's psyche.
• A child who understands that his dad does not want to communicate with him anymore suffers greatly - he feels deceived and abandoned. For this reason, the mother should try to compensate such a lack of parental love and attention, under no circumstances be harsh and insensitive towards your son/daughter, so that it becomes clear that even with one parent you can be protected, find understanding and be happy.

Every man should understand that children are nothing don't deserve to be ignored from their side. You need to try to maintain contact with them even after a divorce from their mother, and you need to think about this immediately after leaving the family, because then it may be too late.

How to form the right attitude in a child towards his parents’ divorce

If spouses on the verge of divorce think that children do not notice anything, then this is a delusion. The psychological climate in the family is something that a child is able to feel from the moment of birth, not to mention at an older age. Therefore, it is important to form the right attitude towards the divorce of mom and dad.

1. Firstly, you need tell everything to him Honestly, and without hiding anything (although it is not necessary to disclose the true reason for the separation). At the same time, it is important to remember that, in any case, the child will experience mental trauma, will ask questions, and be interested in his future. You need to answer the relevant questions very carefully, but always positively. The son or daughter must believe that everything will be fine, just different.
2. Secondly, it is necessary for the boy or girl to believe that mom and dad have not stopped and will not stop them be in love, protect.
3. Thirdly, spouses shouldn't swear in front of a child, insult each other. You should also not pit your son or daughter against the other parent.
4. Fourthly, cannot be involved son or daughter in resolving family problems, ask for advice, because they are not adults, not psychologists and do not know everything that lies behind divorce.

If a child shows aggressiveness after learning about the upcoming divorce, do not punish him under any circumstances, don't scold! We need to calm him down and help him cope with the situation. Simple hugs and phrases of understanding of his condition are what help a lot.

Correct behavior of parents after divorce

After a marriage officially ends, ex-spouses must behave Right. In particular:

• Mom should forgive your ex-husband, understand that they are not enemies. A father should behave the same way.
• It is necessary to determine how will it happen interaction each parent with a son or daughter.
• You can't give bad feedback about your ex-spouse, try to form a negative attitude towards him/her in your son or daughter.

You can help your offspring see some of the “advantages” of the new life situation. For example, come up with a plan for spending time together with each parent.

Questions from our readers and answers from a consultant

I have not communicated with my son since the divorce from his mother. After 10 years I realized that I was wrong, but I don’t know if the relationship can be restored. What should I do?

You should not try to regain what was lost, restore what was destroyed and catch up with what was lost in a short time. The wisest thing to do is not to force things, to let the child make the choice himself. Communication with you will in any case benefit him, even if it does not continue in the future. It is important for the child to draw his own conclusions about his father’s personality and understand his roots. In addition, such communication is necessary even after such a long period of time, because it allows you to avoid repeating unsuccessful life scenarios - a child who knows nothing about his father cannot analyze his mistakes and risks repeating them in his life.

After my divorce from my husband, my daughter stayed with me. But she constantly torments me with the question “ Where is Dad?”, because her father is not at all interested in her. What should I do?

Of course, children will ask such questions. And it is very important to answer them correctly so as not to harm the baby’s psyche. Of course, there may be a desire to tell the child the whole truth and accuse the dad of betrayal. Some mothers also come up with stories about dad who works as an intelligence officer or he went to another country. The first answer is bad, and that's a fact. After all, the child loves his father and will not be able to understand why he is so bad. At the same time, the second answer has its drawbacks - when the child grows up and learns the truth, he will not be able to forgive his mother for lying. What is the correct answer in this case? Suffice it to say that dad lives elsewhere.

Divorce and the new life of former spouses is one of the central topics in family psychology. And we often hear complaints from mothers who are raising children with little or no support from their ex-husbands about the coldness and aloofness of fathers towards their children. Of course, without detracting from the value and

This heartbreaking dialogue between former spouses turned out to be a kind of test of strength for a woman raising two teenage sons.

- Can I send you photos of the children? They have grown up and matured so much! They are already becoming so independent... - the ex-wife chirps about her children, wanting to share her conscious joy from this truly unique state... BEING A MOTHER OF ALREADY ALMOST ADULT SONS!

- Photo? “Why...?” the man asked indifferently.

At that same second, something broke inside the woman. The lump was not swallowed. Tears were choking... And even the belated... well, they sent me an email,” which sounded like a favor, could not drown out the inner pain... No, no offense... Annoyance.

Why don't men want their children after divorce?

It’s a shame that the man was never able to grow up, realize fatherhood, accept this responsibility worthy of a real man - to be a father to his sons.

And here we are faced with an urgent problem in our society, if not a socio-psychological plague - indifference. Indifference, indifference, indifference. A triumph of unbridled egoism.

It is no coincidence that I place emphasis on the situational nature and isolation of each such case, since such a condition can indicate a number of serious personal deformations:

• about psychological protection of men(if you carefully study the history of the family life of the former spouses, you will notice that such indifference or, in my opinion, it is adequate to say “false indifference” is a manifestation of a psychological defense mechanism when the man was in a humiliated state, was rejected, persecuted by his wife or mother-in-law. Accordingly, the problem can be worked out after the fact, first with the ex-wife, and then with her ex-husband, provided that both are aware of this problem and strive to avoid mistakes in communicating with people of the opposite sex in the future);
• about a man’s selfishness and corresponding attitudes, which are a priori toxic both for himself and for his ex-wife, children, and loved ones. (Here we can metaphorically cite an example from history, when the French monarch, the Sun King, Louis XIV, said about himself: “The State is Me!” Such exceptional conceit, with inadequately inflated self-esteem, as a rule, indicates the root problem of raising a future father in family.)

Moreover, it does not matter whether the family is complete or not.

Thus, in a complete family, the attitude towards the first-born is sometimes more reverent than towards subsequent children. Often reaching the point of fanaticism: “You are beautiful, like young Apollo!”, “What a wonderful figure you have, not like your father!” - the mother admires her adult son, being next to her husband.

Therefore, the first-born often has serious problems in the future. He was used to this kind of attitude from his mother. And even after getting married, he continues to experience a lack of delight from his wife, who gave birth to his child.

Indifference to one’s own children and indifference in their upbringing is an extremely significant problem for our society.

A man sometimes believes that he would rather pay child support than take part in raising children. Such an attitude, of course, speaks of the immaturity of his personality and the lack of development of ego beliefs in the context of conscious parenthood.

Conscious parenting for our country is one of the most acute problems, one might say chronic. Lack of awareness indicates many destructive moments both within the individual and in her relationships with other people.

“I wasn’t ready to get married,” “I didn’t have enough fun,” “I didn’t want a child,” how often do we hear these words from divorced spouses when we are faced with the issue of escaping responsibility.

I have repeatedly heard from male clients how they were forced to get married, how they did not want a child...

And every time it becomes bitter. Why can't a grown man take responsibility? After all, sometimes we are not talking about one-day relationships, but many years of experience in actual family life, about the notorious civil marriage, when the appearance of a child is quite logical.

Despite the relative novelty of the term “conscious parenting,” it is nevertheless a set of psychological and pedagogical practices aimed at activating parental potential, the comprehensive and, at the same time, competent participation of parents in the lives of their children.

The mechanisms of conscious parenting involve bringing a person to a higher level of personal development, awakening in him the necessary mental processes to realize himself in a new social role.

Therefore, even after a divorce, no matter how difficult it may be for both spouses, it is very important to maintain a respectful relationship and discover “conscious parenting”, carefully and carefully continue raising the child, paying attention to him and sharing with him the joy of human communication. published .

Nadezhda Arkhangelskaya

P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness, we are changing the world together! © econet