Children are the most precious thing in our life, its meaning and reason. We give our children all the most beautiful, delicious, and generally the best, but sometimes it happens that our love goes beyond all boundaries, so much so that the child grows up to be selfish and tyrant..

Selfishness - from the very cradle

From birth, we, parents, personally lay in our child feeling of superiority over others one might even say that a person is born an egoist. A newborn little person simply cannot do without outside help; he needs to be fed, changed, bathed, etc., which, naturally, creates a certain stereotype in the child’s brain that he is the “center of the universe.”

And this is quite natural!

Psychologists believe that up to the age of three, a child who is selfish is normal, because during this period of his life he still does not know how to particularly communicate with peers, share toys and sweets. He is only interested in a personal person.

This must pass by age 4. It’s worse if your child’s selfishness does not disappear after this time and develops even more.

Child psychologists say that even at a very young age there is no need to indulge and “cherish” children’s egoism, the sense of one’s own “I” should not go beyond the permitted limits.

A child may demand something, being capricious or falling into a temper. In such situations, cowardly parents often follow the lead of a little capricious child, then they grow up with a selfish child, and they have no idea what to do after that. Therefore, it is necessary to instill the correct model of behavior in children, starting from a very early age.

Why are children selfish?

Who is to blame for the fact that our children grow up narcissistic and people who think only about themselves? Of course, you and I - parents and grandparents.

The site tried to systematize typical parental mistakes that lead to the cultivation of a little domestic tyrant:

1. “Praising” a child and exaggerating the importance of his personality. There is no need to praise the child for no reason, telling him that he is the best. By doing this, don’t be surprised why children grow up selfish. But the opposite situation – belittling and hushing up its merits – is unacceptable.
2. Performing duties and necessary tasks for the child. This leads to lack of initiative.
3. Selfishness of parents despite the fact that moral standards are declared to the child. As you know, children learn from the example of adults. Therefore, if mom or dad act contrary to the “standards,” the children develop an internal conflict and their ideas become unclear.
4. Imposing personal attitudes and desires on your children, which can reduce their interest in life.
5. Excessive parental activity in terms of education, it can reduce the child’s self-esteem and suppress his personality, which leads to psychological immaturity.
6. Bribing children to perform certain actions. In this case, the child values ​​not the result of the work performed, but its “payment.” Among other things, fees lead to decreased enthusiasm and creativity.

Selfish child: how to re-educate

The very first thing you need to do to re-educate a selfish child is realize your parental mistakes as a teacher. You need to analyze where the “failure” occurred and what pedagogical moments you missed.

Here are some tips on how to rehabilitate a selfish person:

• Don't follow the child's lead, if he demands something hysterical. Just ignore him at such moments. In a couple of minutes, your child will understand that nothing can be achieved by shouting.
• Don't do things for your child, what is feasible for him, so you will teach him to cope with various tasks independently.
• Talk to the baby, try to explain to him, that nothing can be achieved by crying.
• Does an egoist child want to decide something for himself? Amazing, invite him to choose for himself, what he will wear today or what he will eat, but limit the choice to two things or two dishes.
• Let your child care for someone else. If he has a younger brother or sister, allow him to do the simplest tasks of caring for the baby, do not limit their communication. Many psychologists are unanimous in the opinion that one child in the family is an egoist, since all attention is paid only to him.

Also you can have a pet, which your son or daughter will have to take care of.

Raising a child is a very responsible and difficult task. Every parent should rely not only on their own inspiration, but also for a healthy mind in matters of pedagogy. Remember that childhood selfishness is far from a death sentence, and negative character traits can be eradicated by being patient.

An interesting fact: selfishness manifests itself most clearly at the age of 12-14 years and in old age.

This means that, in general, teenage selfishness is not something akin to a fire. Most often, it does not require urgent measures to eradicate it. This is a quality that is normal for a given period of personality development.

See the world through the eyes of a teenager. The uniqueness, uniqueness of his personality, just realized by him, comes into conflict with a passionate desire to achieve recognition and approval, for which, from the point of view of a teenager, he needs to be “like everyone else.”

The world for a teenager is, first of all, the circle of his peers.

At every meeting with peers, he feels like an object of evaluation. Everyone does nothing but look at him; they discuss how he looks, what he is wearing, how he behaves, what he said, how he answered. Especially girls: they criticize every little thing. The feeling that you may seem funny (unfashionable, ugly, “not like everyone else”), that everything about you is not as it should be, is truly painful.

Teenagers cope with the situation in different ways. Someone avoids society and finds an outlet in. Others behave deliberately defiantly and assert themselves through leadership. Some literally “stick” to the mirror, preening and looking at themselves.

Agree that such behavior can only cause a smile.

And yet, many parents are very concerned about the problem of teenage selfishness.

It is unpleasant when a teenager refuses to do housework and does not take into account the needs of other family members.

It hurts when he forgets to congratulate his family on the holiday, treats children rudely, and speaks dismissively to parents.

It is outrageous when he demonstratively does only what he considers necessary, behaves openly arrogantly and unscrupulously, believes that everyone owes him.

An extreme manifestation of selfishness, so-called egocentrism, is no longer the norm.

Why is this happening?

The reasons may be errors in upbringing. It is known that everything negative that was inherent in childhood manifests itself especially clearly in adolescence.

Very often, selfishness coexists with infantilism, which was nurtured by the parents themselves. In childhood, they did not provide the child with the opportunity to care for others and did not cultivate the ability to empathize. In the child’s life experience there were no situations when he himself needed to make decisions and act.

Why be surprised when a child begins to perceive the care of his parents as something “for granted.” And when, in adolescence, parents change their behavior pattern, he gets offended and thinks that his parents owe him.

Social inequality and society’s focus on material wealth also do not contribute to the development of positive qualities; teenagers are very vulnerable in this regard.

The principles of “he who is stronger is right”, “take everything from life” are clearly demonstrated in the media and computer games.

The teenager overestimates his parents, their lives, and their social roles in accordance with attitudes that seem true to him. If the parents do not fit into his “ideal scheme”, the conflict is inevitable, and its severity can be expressed in the aggravation of selfish antics.

How adults reinforce teenage selfishness

Sometimes simple preventive measures are enough to prevent selfishness from gaining ground for development.

1. Parents themselves do not need to exaggerate the importance of the teenager’s personality. His vulnerability is not at all a reason to hush up his shortcomings. You also need to praise for your work, and at the same time set the bar - “you can do better.”
2. You should not impose your own desires and behavior patterns on a teenager. This is permissible only if they are directly related to his life and health.
3. There is no need to do any household chores for him. Already a junior schoolchild should have chores that he does constantly, without reminders. A teenager is almost an adult, and his responsibilities are much more serious and responsible. Outlining a range of household chores and demanding their strict implementation is the correct method of education.
4. Bribery for grades and for doing household chores is unacceptable!
5. Personal example is difficult to overestimate. If the parents themselves are self-centered, their lifestyle involves using the people around them for their own benefit (the benefit of the family), one should not be surprised at the behavior of the teenager.

When to sound the alarm?

You should pay attention to the problem and take action if:

• Insensitivity and unresponsiveness become character traits of a teenager.
• In any case, he cares only about his own benefit.
• His personal interests are narrow, he is fixated on himself and his appearance.
• He is vain and strives to work “for show.”
• In everyday life, he is isolated from the family, sharing neither common affairs nor common entertainment.
• The teenager constantly refuses to carry out assignments and shirks household chores.

What else can you do?

When asking a teenager about his friends and classmates, try to find out their positive traits. Encourage positive assessments of people and the world around you.

Expand your teenager's social circle. In a society of peers, selfishness is not encouraged.

Moderate your educational activity! Step away from the role of a morning alarm clock, stop reminding about homework and other things that are in its competence. This will kill two birds with one stone. You will make it clear to the teenager that he is not the center of the universe called Family. You will teach him to be responsible. He has to fill his own shoes to become an adult.

Is your child selfish?

“There was such a wonderful child, and now he has tortured everyone.” And where does this come from?
- Ah! Yes, all young people are like this now – it’s all just for themselves!

From a conversation on the bus

Indeed, how does it happen that our wonderful child grows up to be a complete egoist? Doesn't this happen right away? Why do we notice trouble too late? Is there anything that can be improved?

Let's figure it out. Children's selfishness is absolutely normal and, most importantly, general phenomenon. A child is born with a genetically determined task - to survive in this world. Up to a year, the child is busy ensuring his comfort and loudly notifies us if this comfort is disturbed: if he is hungry, wet or lies uncomfortably, we will know about it immediately. We patiently look after him, without even thinking of accusing him of selfishness, although he lives only for himself at the expense of others - us. From one to two years of age, the child adapts to the world: he begins to walk, talk, and master many skills. He is the center of attention of the family, everything revolves around him, but no one calls him selfish. From two to three years old, the most important thing for a child is play. You know from experience how difficult it is to tear him away from his toys. He is ready to give up food and amenities, and can only be put to sleep with his favorite toy. And this is also normal age-related egoism, which is why in psychology it is called healthy egoism. The child is essentially exhibiting a healthy defensive response.

From the age of three (sometimes a little earlier, sometimes later) the child begins to become aware of his “I”. The first indicator of this is the appearance of the pronoun “I” instead of “he” (or your name in the third person). We hear: “I want to walk, eat, drink...” - instead of: “Vova wants...” During this period, the beginnings of adult egoism begin to sprout - no longer healthy. Adult egoism is a person’s value orientation in his activities and behavior towards selfish personal interests without taking into account the interests of other people. In a child, this type of egoism is initially little noticeable. It is masked by the fact that the child enters the stage of necessary adaptation to social environment. In other words, he gets his own experience of life in relationships with people. This experience can be both positive and negative.

Let's first look at how the child's social experience in the family develops. Here, as they say, options are possible.

Healthy egoism implies a child’s desire for everything positive, joyful, pleasant, which contributes to his growth and self-affirmation. That is why he pesters you with endless requests to see how he drew (built, broke, washed, made) something myself . “I” does not leave the child’s tongue. This is not arrogance, not boasting - this is the need to express yourself and find your place among others. The child needs yours assessment, because he himself does not yet understand “good” and “bad.” Only external assessment allows him to learn to evaluate himself, so do not stop him in this adaptation process. But then a lot depends on you. If a family exaggerates the importance of a child’s personality, admires all his actions, discusses his abilities and talents in the presence of the child, compares him with other, less successful children, this means that they inevitably sow the seeds of excessive selfishness and form selfishness in the child.

Satisfying whims and caprices, giving gifts of toys, indulging all desires (“buy”, “want”, “bring”) gradually raises a domestic tyrant. With age, demands increase, extortion becomes a personality trait, and the habit of thinking only about oneself gives rise to spiritual callousness. I don’t want to intimidate overly “caring” parents and grandparents, but selfishness has even more serious consequences, not only for those around them, but also for the selfish person himself. For example, selfishness sometimes takes the form of egocentrism. This is a complete inability to accept or even admit the possibility of another point of view, different from one’s own. This is the inability to understand the motivations or moral reasons for other people's actions. This is the inability to adequately and objectively convey information to others. Agree that entering life with such baggage obviously means failure or serious difficulties in interpersonal relationships. Or another terrible consequence of “educated” egoism – infantilism. The infantile takes for granted signs of attention and care for himself, but it would never even occur to him to care for others. There are no independent solutions in his experience. Therefore, he is characterized by an acute sense of insecurity and the need for care until old age. An egoist is always less critical of himself, and this means a person’s psychological immaturity.

There is an opinion that an only child in a family necessarily grows up to be selfish. Not necessary. But parental work will be required much more than in a large family, where the problem of selfishness practically does not arise. For children from a large family, it is natural that their parents belong to them all, and kids require more attention.

This is not how relationships work with two children, especially if they are very different in age. Accustomed to being the center of the family, the eldest child “suddenly,” “suddenly” is deprived of everyone’s care and attention. Do not think that this is where his formed egoism will collapse. If parents do not prepare their first-born child for the role in advance important assistant, beloved older child, jealousy will be added to his selfishness - a destructive and destructive feeling. Jealousy, strengthening egoism, turns it either into egocentrism or into a form of alienated egoism. Both are bad and psychologically difficult for the child. In the case of alienated egoism, the child receives an “unloved child” complex. The complex can be so persistent that it sometimes remains for life, accompanied by an unfair feeling of resentment towards the parents and the younger child. Usually the younger ones adore the older ones and try to imitate them in everything. The elders, I repeat, if they are not prepared for the new role, take out their resentment on the younger ones.

Assuming that the main responsibility of parents is teaching a child to do without them, then we can state that the parents who raised egoists did not fulfill their task.

Selfishness flourishes in the family. In the children's environment, he is quickly discovered and rebuffed. Therefore, do not confine your child to the family, expand his area of ​​communication with peers.

Now let's go beyond the family. The child adapts to the social environment, his experience is varied (gave a toy - took the toy away, helped the younger one climb up the slide - pushed him down the slide, hugged - hit, etc.). If adults only note the child’s bad deeds and take the good ones for granted, without encouraging them in any way, the child has a reason to become embittered. A form of alienated egoism arises. Constant accusations of selfishness can lead a child to accept the image of a “selfish person.” (This is especially typical for school age.) The child may even like this image, because such a position frees him from responsibility, from emotional distress for a bad, selfish act. “And so am I!” – consolidation of this image can lead to the child’s self-esteem for his “coolness” when he “built everyone” - from his mother to his teacher. Egoism formed in such a negative way gives rise to difficult teenagers in the future.

Let's try to list the typical mistakes of parents that lead to the formation of selfishness in children:

1. Exaggeration of the importance of the child’s personality. This is, of course, not about underestimation, but about the adequacy of the assessment: do not praise without reason, do not hush up the real merits of the child.

2. Imposing one’s own pragmatic attitudes and desires on a child reduces the child’s motivation and interest in life.

3. Do the necessary things behind children are deprived of their own initiative.

4. Personal egoistic example of parents when declaring moral standards. At the same time, children’s moral ideas become uncertain due to internal conflict.

5. Bribery of children: payment for housework, for school grades. In this case, the child begins to value not his actions, but their cost. Self-assessment is thus transferred from moral and ethical principles to monetary expression. In addition, fees reduce a person's enthusiasm and creativity.

6. Great (excessive) educational activity of the family reduces the child’s self-esteem, suppresses him and leads to psychological immaturity.

What to do if you have already noticed signs of selfishness in your child or want to prevent them? Let's give some tips:

Remove petty supervision from the child (wake him up in the morning so he doesn’t oversleep; remind him about necessary things to do; sit next to him while doing homework; serve him at meals and after, etc.).

Give your child the opportunity to gain negative experience of his actions or inactions (without danger to life). Give the opportunity for independent choice and decision-making. This experience is truly more valuable to the child than the ready-made solution you impose.

Accustom him to help as much as possible at home, to do for all , and not just for self-service.

Be interested not only in your child’s affairs, but also in the successes of his friends. Encourage him to be positive about his friends.

Expand your child’s social environment, teach him to live in it.

The most effective and reliable way to avoid the formation of an unnecessary quality or personality trait in a child is to cultivate the opposite quality in him. Egoism is opposed to altruism. Let's talk about him.

Altruism denotes forms of human behavior focused on compassion and mercy towards other people, selfless service to them and readiness for self-denial for the sake of their good. Altruism in preschoolers manifests itself in sympathy, goodwill, willingness to help, accepting the conditions of another child’s play, and general “agreeableness.” Schoolchildren's principles become more pronounced justice(a just act may infringe on one’s own interests), principle respect another person, principle philanthropy or complicity. The extreme case of altruism is “live for others.”

I assume that many readers have already grinned: “Well, why do we need This bring up?". Indeed, in conditions of social and psychological isolation of people, caring for the interests of their neighbors is possible only if their own interests are limited. Why infringe on your own interests with your own hands? But we don’t want our child to be isolated, separated from friends, relatives, and other people in general? We want him to be happy and loved in his environment. For this he must take into account the interests of others and even help in their implementation. For an egoist this is impossible, but for an altruist (or, to put it mildly, for a person inclined to altruism) it is easy, pleasant and joyful.

Altruism is an amazing and comprehensive phenomenon inherent in the entire animal world. Since Charles Darwin, many scientists have observed the phenomenon of altruism in insects and animals. It has been suggested that altruism plays a special role in the evolutionary process. V.P. Efroimson, in his work “Pedigree of Altruism,” confirmed the observations of scientists. He put forward the idea of ​​a hereditary mechanism of ethical principles, believing that evolution created a successively transmitted complex of ethical reactions. For example, survival in groups of living beings where altruism is genetically fixed turned out to be higher than in those where this phenomenon was not found. Observations of patients by domestic clinical doctors have shown that those who are less focused on themselves and help others more, that is, altruists, recover faster, have fewer complications and a higher survival rate.

In 1990, a group of Israeli scientists led by Ebstein announced the discovery of a “risk gene” in some people. They were characterized by unjustified risks - looking for extreme situations for themselves, a tendency to risky drug trials, etc. In other words, the selfish orientation of the behavior of this group of people and their disregard for the feelings of other people can be traced.

The next step in the scientists’ research was to find the “altruism gene.” Blood samples were taken from 354 members of large families and at the same time psychological studies were conducted to identify the qualities of dedication and unselfishness characteristic of altruism. In two thirds of the subjects, there were reliable matches of psychological and genetic characteristics. In the future, scientists will conduct research on Emergency Situations Ministry employees who have chosen helping others (often at risk to themselves) as their profession.

It is too early to interpret these studies: they are in the development stage. Whether conclusions are drawn in favor of the genetic determination of the qualities of egoism and altruism in humans or whether they are not confirmed, we still need to raise our children with the greatest benefit for them. And this means protecting them from selfishness. But is it possible to cultivate altruism and how to do it?

Start by teaching your child empathy. Empathy - this is a person’s ability to respond emotionally to the experiences of other people, the ability to put oneself in their place, to understand their state, thoughts and feelings. Already from the definition it is clear that in empathy there is absolutely no place for egoism. There are two types of empathy - empathy (experiencing the same feelings that another person experiences) and sympathy (understanding the situation, but the feelings may be different). If a child is taught sympathy and empathy for people, animals, plants, etc., this will provide him with prevention from selfishness, make life easier among other people and give him a better chance of a successful life in society.

Altruism is useful and vital. It seems that humanity has no other choice but to become altruistic.

Children's egoism is a completely healthy phenomenon for a child, which differs only in its simplicity and primitiveness in comparison with adult egoism, which contains more calculation and lies. I have already written in my articles about selfishness, which, along with the rest of our qualities, is necessary for our survival. Of course, raising a child should be structured in such a way that his selfishness does not exceed all acceptable values, because of which everyone, including himself, will suffer. Pay attention to how and in what cases your child shows his selfishness. This is necessarily a storm of emotions that evoke it and that support it. That is, a very beautiful toy in a store causes emotional excitement in the child, and selfishness begins to put pressure on the psyche, demanding to get this attractive thing. And naturally a hysteria begins, which puts you in an uncomfortable position, and your child also doesn’t really understand why he insists on his own. But this can be forgiven for him, because children do not understand many things, unlike adults, they simply follow the lead of their emotions.

You must understand that the less the child sees such external stimuli, the calmer he will behave, there is no need to provoke selfish tendencies in him, this will cost you. If a child shows his selfishness in relation to other children, for example, does not share toys with them, then there is no need to put pressure on him, thereby you belittle his importance to you in his eyes. Seeing how you defend the interests of other children, your child will begin to be jealous of you, and this will only worsen the situation; he will be more persistent in defending his interests.

And then, to be honest, developing love for your neighbor in your child is not the best idea; it’s better to teach him to show selfishness competently, so that no one would guess that he is being used. This, of course, is done in the later stages of growing up; a small child, of course, will not understand this. But what is important to him, first of all, is your devotion to his interests, and if there is a manifestation of selfishness towards yourself, you can stop it in a tough way in order to gain respect for you from your child. Then his selfishness in relation to other people, no matter who, should not encounter strong obstacles on your part.

Do not kill your child’s sense of superiority, as well as the desire for competition, because all such mistakes in upbringing have a negative impact on the formation of a person’s personality in the end. So if your child is showing selfishness, then you need to behave with him gently, calmly, in a quiet and even voice, explain to him that you understand him, that he is doing the right thing, but this toy or whatever it is is not worth it. Just be with him, as if together, against the whole world, do not reproach him, but guide him.

Believe me, it will work, even if not right away, but it will work, because it is important for you to enlist the support of your child, and then he will listen to you. His selfishness is the desire to get more and better, this is his ability to survive, if you look deeper. So you shouldn’t interfere with him, do this, you just need to let him understand that this needs to be done more competently, so that others are not opposed to you. Well, of course, if you yourself know how to do it, but if not, then my training materials were created to teach you this.

Your main task is to force your child to obey you, if he shows selfishness, and this is directed against you, you must stop it, no matter how, it is important to stop it, otherwise your child, seeing your weakness, will put more and more pressure on you, and secondly, he will stop respecting you, which cannot be allowed. So the only situation where you can be tough is when your child is trying to get on your neck, otherwise, like I said, just be with him.

Childish egoism is devoid of the restrictions with which this world is rich and which it imposes on the weak and, I would even say, from the point of view of those who create these restrictions, second-class people. If you don’t want your child to grow up so second-rate, so that such words as impossible, impossible, no, do not kill him, teach him to mask his selfishness, teach him to get his own in such a way that no one reproaches him for it later and does not hated it.

On the contrary, he should be loved, because all his actions symbolize care for other people, while in fact, he thinks, as in childhood, only about himself. This is normal and natural, this is how nature made us, so do not kill selfishness in your child under any circumstances, do not make him an inferior person who can easily become a victim of other people’s interests.

Buy my educational materials and I will teach you how to properly deal with your child’s egoism. Believe me, the result of this approach is magnificent, it has been tested in practice and has long been used by those who raise people, not slaves. You need to understand that if you raise your child correctly, it will be good for everyone, both him and you, so there is something to work for.