Video: What to do if your husband hits you? Advice from a psychologist. Why a man hits a woman: causes and consequences What not to do if your husband hits

Frequent defendants in criminal cases of battery are spouses. Domestic violence always remains one of the most common types of crimes causing harm to human health.

Since 2017, the article on battery has been partially decriminalized. Isolated episodes of domestic violence have been decriminalized.

Battery caused by relatives or spouses is no longer a criminal offense. They are regulated by the Code of Administrative Offenses of the Russian Federation. However, to correctly qualify what happened, all the circumstances of the crime are taken into account when the husband beat his wife.

What threatens him in this case? What should a wife do if her husband raises his hand to her?

Not every beating by a husband of his wife will be classified under the article “Battery”. For qualification, the circumstances of the offense and, above all, the degree of harm caused are taken into account.

After all, beating a wife can also be done in different ways. Sometimes the beating ends in the death of the spouse. In this case, there can be no question of beatings.

In current legislation, there are three degrees of harm caused to health:

The severity of the harm caused is determined by the conclusion of a forensic medical examination.

It is the degree of severity that will determine under which article your husband will be judged. The main thing in this matter is to record the beatings in a medical institution in a timely manner and as quickly as possible.

In addition, the most important factor, in addition to the degree of damage, for a correct qualification is the frequency of the commission of such crimes by the tyrant husband.

The first attempt to commit beatings is classified as an administrative offense, while a repeat attempt is a criminal offense.

Punishment under the new law for beatings under Art. 116 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation is possible only if several attempts are made to beat the wife.

The first episode of beatings has been decriminalized. This is considered an administrative offense.

What happens to the husband if the wife removes the beating depends on what is indicated in the medical report. This document is the main guideline for initiating a criminal case and passing a sentence.

In 2017, Art. 6.1.1, according to which cases of domestic battery are considered.

Consideration of administrative cases under Art. 6.1.1 of the Code of Administrative Offenses of the Russian Federation is dealt with by the magistrate court.

Cases are initiated by the police, after which the material is submitted to the court for consideration. Both parties are required to participate in the court hearing.

As punishment, a tyrant husband may face:

• Mandatory work up to 120 hours;
• Arrest up to 15 days;
• Fine from 5 to 30 thousand rubles.

The fine is imposed in favor of the state, that is, in fact, the spouse will not receive anything. To compensate for the harm caused to her, she will have to file a civil lawsuit.

The guilty person is obliged to submit to the court a receipt for payment of the fine, otherwise a new administrative case will be filed for failure to pay the sanction.

As a rule, courts under this article are limited to imposing a fine of 5 thousand rubles.

Theoretically, spouses have the right to reconcile in court, then no punishment will be imposed. In practice, some judges do not reconcile the parties under this article.

In addition, the courts often receive counter-materials from administrative offenses when, during the conflict, each party receives damage.

If the guilty person has previously been subjected to administrative arrest for beatings, he will face criminal liability for the new episode.

For his actions to be qualified as beatings, it is necessary that the harm he caused does not correspond to a slight degree of damage to the victim’s health.

According to Art. 116.1 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation, the culprit faces the following punishment:

Art. 116 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation can be applied only when hooligan motives or hatred on racial, political, national or religious grounds can be traced in the actions and motives of the husband.

That is, if a husband hits his wife because she does not agree with his political and religious views, Article 116 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation will come into play.

What other article for beating a wife by a husband is provided in Russia as an alternative, besides those that have already been previously discussed?

So, depending on the motives of the husband, the degree of damage caused and the frequency of occurrence, other articles of the Code may also apply.

In particular, these include:

In addition, a husband can cause harm in a state of passion, and in the same state he can kill his wife. In this case, the liability will be more serious.

If a wife is beaten by her husband, one must not hesitate to forgive. One hit yesterday in a bad mood can turn fatal today.

First you need to decide where to go in such a situation. There are many authorities in the country, but you should start with the lowest and most accessible.

The victim's procedure should be as follows:

• Immediately after a family conflict, you should go to the emergency room;
• There, go through an inspection and receive a stamped original certificate;
• With this certificate, you must go to the police station to write and submit an application.

You have the right by law to apply to any police department, but it is better to apply at the place where the incident occurred.

The application must be written in two copies in order to control the time frame for its consideration by law enforcement agencies.

On the second copy, the police officer must mark acceptance. In addition, you must be given a notification coupon with information about the receipt of a response to the consideration of the application.

The application should be drawn up according to the following rules:

When the wife has written a statement, the police are obliged to check the circumstances of the case stated in it.. The police can either open a criminal case or administrative case, or refuse to open a case. In the latter case, the husband will be given a warning and put on the register.

If the police officer’s refusal to initiate a case seems to you to be unreasonable, you can contact the prosecutor’s office. They will conduct an investigation and initiate a case. In addition, the prosecutor's office can punish a negligent police officer.

For 2020 according to Art. 116 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation, the injured party can independently apply to the court to initiate a criminal case as a private prosecution.

What to do from a legal point of view when a husband hits his wife? You are required to prove your legal position in court.

Important evidence is a certificate of recorded beatings. But when a wife calls the police at the time of a conflict, she does not have the opportunity to go to the hospital on her own and get a certificate.

At the moment of conflict, when the police arrive, you should ask the employees to call an ambulance to record the beatings.

Of course, if a husband beat his wife half to death, doctors will have no questions about the nature of the injuries. But when the wife suffered minor abrasions and bruises, a delay of 3-4 days in contacting a medical institution may be grounds for refusing to initiate a case.

In addition to the certificate in court, the testimony of witnesses will be more important as evidence.. If anyone saw or heard your conflict, these witnesses must be presented in court.

If possible, immediately after the incident, take a photo of yourself with your phone so that the damage is visible. If the blows were inflicted with any object, it is better to immediately remove it so that the husband does not have the opportunity to destroy it.

If you truly believe that you are in danger, you can exercise self-defense. The main thing in this matter is not to exceed its limits, otherwise you yourself will be the defendant in a criminal case, and not your husband.

Family tyranny must be punished to the fullest extent of the law. Decriminalization of an article of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation does not mean that husbands now have the right to beat their wives and not be held responsible for it.

The Criminal Code of the Russian Federation will forgive them only a single episode of beatings. For a second similar offense, the offender will face a more severe punishment.

There is no need to endure torture and beatings; you need to protect your rights and not put your children at risk.

If a husband beats his wife, that means... She deserves it? Is he a scoundrel? This is their family matter, will they sort it out themselves? Oddly enough, in our society, which seems to have emerged from the times of Domostroy a long time ago, there is no single view on this problem. Moreover, if you look at it from the outside, with the cold gaze of an outside observer. Here you can talk a lot about the roles of men and women in the family, the nuances of relationships, the responsibility that each spouse bears for their development. What will it be like to be at the very epicenter of events? Especially as a victim?

Too often, under the guise of a friendly family, there is an alliance between a victim and a tyrant.

Whoever beats his wife, God gives him?

There are negligibly few men who would be clearly aware that when they raise their hands against a woman, they are doing, to put it mildly, wrong. Every domestic aggressor has a “worthy” excuse for his actions. One has no doubt that the missus herself brought him down: she did not greet him as appropriate after a hard day of work; stuck her hand in at the wrong time with reproaches; chirped sweetly with a neighbor on the staircase - probably for a reason, rubbish...

Another regards beatings as the most powerful argument in any dispute. The third one completely sincerely professes the principle “Love your wife like a soul, shake her like a pear,” confident that this is exactly how one should assert his position as the head of the family.

By the way, our ancestors were not the only ones who shone with such pearls. There are plenty of proverbs explaining how to use fists to build a good relationship with your spouse in the languages ​​of other nations. “Beat your wife, even if you don’t know why, she knows,” they said in Africa. “Without a club there will be no virtuous wife,” they taught in China. In India, a woman’s head was compared to the head of a nail in a cart: they say, until you hit it properly, there will be no sense. In good old England, it was advised to beat your spouse as often as you beat a gong. And an Arab proverb says that a man who is not able to slaughter a sheep and beat his wife when she has done something wrong is not worth living.

Is the need to prove one’s masculine worth and authority through beatings an integral feature of the stronger sex, existing beyond time and boundaries?

Violence against women was the norm in earlier times. What about now?

Psychology of the aggressor and the reasons for his behavior

Of course, traditions leave their mark on human behavior. But these sayings have been a thing of the past for many decades, why do some continue to diligently follow their, alas, not at all wise instructions? Yes, there are some! According to statistics, in our country every day 36,000 women are subjected to violence from their spouse or partner - and this is only according to official data. And the chance of dying at the hands of an accidental scumbag in a doorway for most representatives of the fair sex is much lower than being killed in your own kitchen in a domestic quarrel. What makes the “strong and courageous” regularly raise their hand to their soulmate?

But for some, scandals and beatings are just a love prelude

Under no circumstances can any of the listed reasons be an excuse for a domestic tyrant. Believe me, he is quite capable of controlling his rage. If an aggressor husband does not throw his fists at a picky boss, is afraid to fight back a two-meter brute who pushed him out of line, obediently listens to the scolding of an inspector on the road, but cannot contain his anger alone with a defenseless woman, then he simply does not consider it necessary to do this . For what? Everything suits him. He feels good, comfortable, pleasant. And he sees no reason to change his line of behavior. Sometimes such men get such a taste that even the presence of children does not stop them - the habit of giving free rein to their hands turns out to be stronger than the voice of reason.

Children in the line of fire

Speaking of children. Women who are stubbornly trying to maintain an alliance with a brawler, “so that the child has a father,” should remember: the youngest, weakest members of the family often fall under the hot hand of the aggressor father. There is no guarantee that sooner or later the wrath of the separated parent will not fall on the child, especially if the child is nearby in the midst of a quarrel, rushes to defend the mother, or otherwise shows disobedience. And you shouldn’t hope that after a slap in the heat of the moment, the would-be father will be horrified, repent and become more restrained. Do not forget, he is already accustomed to giving himself complete freedom within his own four walls and has learned to achieve respect - or what he considers respect - from his wife through physical violence. What will prevent the aggressor from using the tried and tested method of education on children? Certainly not high moral principles. Not to mention the fact that raising a mentally balanced, happy child in a house where swearing and the sound of blows are constantly heard is, in principle, impossible.

There cannot be normal growing up where cruelty and tears reign.

Dry statistics. About 50,000 children in our country run away from home every year to escape the beatings of one of their parents. About 2,000 people decide to commit suicide every year for the same reason. An alarming number of child killers end up in prison precisely for killing their fathers - out of self-defense or in an attempt to save their mother from daily beatings. So the legendary patience of beaten wives, who save the family by hook or by crook, is no longer a mistake, but rather a crime. Or rather, two: the first - against yourself, and the second - against your child.

How to resist domestic violence

A woman who has once experienced the brunt of the wrath of her beloved, be it her official husband or cohabitant, has two options: stay and try to restore the relationship that has cracked, or leave.

Life on a volcano

The first slap in the face rarely comes like a bolt from the blue. It does not happen that yesterday a loving and smiling spouse today, as if by magic, turns into a monster with a furious grin and threateningly raised fists. If you analyze the situation, it always turns out that this was preceded by a long period of nagging, caustic remarks, and then outright insults towards the spouse. Usually, a lot of time passes before the future tyrant moves from words to deeds, but most women prefer to turn a blind eye to the growing aggression of their loved one, trying with all their might to find an excuse for him. "He's tired." "He's got problems." “It’s my own fault, why did I bother with this dry cleaning bill during football?”

Many wives paint themselves into a corner

Yes, I'm tired. Yes, we all have meltdowns from time to time. Yes, he needs your care, patience and understanding. But this does not at all excuse rudeness and rudeness. It’s one thing to irritably throw out: “Darling, will you let me watch TV in peace today?!” and something completely different: “Get away, cow!” A spouse who dutifully endures moral “kicks” will very soon receive real ones. Therefore, violence must be resisted at the very beginning. Demand respect for yourself. Even the fact that you are “just” a housewife, and your loved one manages super-profitable projects at work and is immensely tired, does not put him on a level higher than you. A family is a union of equals, and nothing else. He brought his wife into his house, not a stress-relieving robot, right?

First hit

So, it did happen. It’s too early to grab a pen and write an application for divorce, but you need to take the first steps to clarify the situation immediately.

First of all, calm down. Emotions have never given anyone any good advice. Take a walk, breathe some fresh air, drink valerian or something stronger, and only then analyze the situation. Restore what happened in all details and try to understand what happened? Was your spouse drunk or sober? Was he afraid of what he had done or was he contentedly looking at the work of his hands? Didn’t you provoke him by speaking vilely about your spouse’s parents in the heat of an argument or by painfully wounding his manhood? Of course, this will not be an excuse: any man always has the opportunity to loudly slam the door, having first sent his wife on a long and not entirely decent journey, and give himself time to cool down. But it can serve as a mitigating circumstance.

Think about it, don’t you rain down reproaches on your beloved too often?

After you think it over and calm down, decide what to do next. Do you want to forgive your erring spouse? Farewell. But don't be idle.

Talk to your husband and give him a clear ultimatum: one more blow, a slap in the face, a slap on the head - and you will immediately leave him. But keep in mind that the threat will need to be carried out. By forgiving the aggressor for the second and third time, you will show him that all your conditions are not worth a damn.

Be more picky about your behavior. Become even more affectionate and caring, spare no compliments for your spouse, pamper him with delicious dishes. Perhaps this breakdown is really caused by a difficult period in a man’s life, which he can only overcome with your support. However, remember that such problems cannot be solved alone. You should see reciprocal steps from your husband.

If your loved one has a really hot temper and is aware of it, a family psychologist will come to the rescue. But, again, the decision to go to him should be mutual.

Naturally, you can only forgive someone who has repented and is trying his best to make amends to you. If what happened does not seem out of the ordinary to your spouse, you are not on the same path with this person.

Our ancestors knew conspiracies for any occasion

Our ancestors, who suffered no less often from husbands who were quick to kill, had their own ways of returning peace to the family. For example, it was believed that a woman who managed to call her husband “dear” 40 times on the day of the Annunciation would live in harmony with him for a whole year. If more drastic measures were required, the beaten wife bought a new hammer and said over it: “Just as a heavy hammer does not lift, so that the servant of God such and such had a heavy tongue, would not rise and would not swear. May my words be strong and sculpted from now on and forever. Amen." You can also use the ancient conspiracy, but only as an auxiliary tool. It’s still not worth hoping for help from higher powers without taking any action to improve the situation.

Run, Lola, run

You were gentle and patient, surrounded your husband with warmth, sincerely tried to forget the incident when you were so humiliated, and in response you only received new portions of insults and slaps? Alas, it makes no sense to continue in the same spirit, hoping that one day your loved one will appreciate your sacrifice. How it makes no sense for the eleventh time, smearing blood and tears on your cheeks, listening to assurances that “this won’t happen again.” It will happen again. You have connected your life with a person for whom assault is not an isolated, egregious incident, but an excellent way to relax, and he has already become a taste for it. Think about it, is your marriage really worth covering up your bruises with foundation before every time you go out? Hardly. Does the vague “but the children have a father” compensate for the stress they will receive from living in the same house with an aggressor? Hardly. In addition, do not forget that such people only become tougher over time, and sometimes even lose all control over themselves, so in the end you may have to pay for your patience with your life.

Fight for your happiness, do not surrender to the mercy of fate and the aggressor!

If you fail to change the situation, pack your things and leave without any pity. Once and for all. For years, shuttling between your parents’ house and your ex-spouse’s house is a futile endeavor. Better spend your time and energy looking for a new soul mate. The one who will be able to keep her fists in her pockets.

Often a tyrant who has acquired a taste does not want to let his victim go so easily. They use blackmail with children, suicide, threats of physical violence... What to do?

First of all, realize that you are responsible only for your life and the lives of your children. Being a capable adult is not your concern. Many husbands tell their wives that they will commit suicide if they divorce, but very few actually intend to do so. Think for yourself, if you are so dear to him, why doesn’t the faithful make an effort to stop beating you at every opportunity? Why does he demand that you sacrifice your peace and health, while he himself will not make a basic effort on himself for your sake? Is it because in reality he loves only himself, and he only needs you as a cook, a servant and a whipping slave all rolled into one?

If you are afraid that your spouse will force you to stay, give up the idea of ​​ostentatiously leaving. Quietly and carefully prepare your escape routes.

Just don’t, following the advice and reviews of determined women from social networks, take the frying pan at the ready and try to restore justice on your own. Firstly, are you sure that in a moment this frying pan will not be pulled out of your hands and fall on your head? Secondly, can you accurately calculate the force of the impact? The article “exceeding necessary self-defense” is a very unpleasant thing, especially if a former loved one, after meeting with a cast-iron object, ends up not in intensive care, but in the morgue.

Video: How to live with a man who raises his hand to you?

Beating the weak - a woman, a child, an animal - is the lot of scoundrels and cowards. There are only two situations in which you can lightly forgive your loved one for a bruise under his eye: it happened accidentally (you were showing your friend the size of the caught pike and did not calculate the span of your arm) or you are passionate about martial arts and regularly ask your spouse to join you in training. Everything else is unacceptable and requires immediate response, even the most severe. Don’t wait for the situation to completely get out of control, take action to correct it or leave. There is no third.

Family violence is a much more common occurrence than is commonly thought. Contrary to the widespread stereotype that a husband’s aggression is caused by his wife’s inappropriate behavior, psychologists, in response to the question of why a husband beats his wife, claim that the reason is in the woman himself. The wife's behavior does not affect the situation, since the decision to cause physical harm is made by the attacker, not the victim. Therefore, a woman needs to know the signs of behavior of a domestic tyrant in order to avoid danger.

How should a wife behave if her husband is prone to aggressive behavior?

The peculiarity of the manifestation of violence on the part of the husband is cyclical. At the beginning of a relationship, a tyrant man does not show aggression. He tries to lull the attention of the chosen victim, behaves kindly and demonstrably caring. The woman relaxes and begins to trust him. Gradually the man begins to show his essence. Rare nagging and small quarrels, but with each one the pressure grows.

A man, feeling that he has succeeded in creating an emotional connection, begins a psychological game: he humiliates, insults, and makes him doubt himself. Having received the expected reaction in the form of confusion and an attempt to please, the man changes his line of behavior, again becoming caring and understanding.

A man tries to limit a woman’s freedom, forcing her to give up work, communication with friends and any other manifestations of independence. After marriage, he may prohibit leaving the house, citing concern for the safety of his wife. The cycle of behavior “tyrant - caring husband” constantly changes, causing the wife to believe that she does not live up to her husband’s expectations and deserves such treatment. At first, aggression can be expressed only in verbal form, but it always progresses to the stage of physical violence.

The wife's behavior depends on the degree of development of the relationship. If the marriage was registered recently and the wife has the opportunity to seek help from a professional psychologist, this should be done immediately. Perhaps the marriage can be saved, and the man will agree to undergo therapy. If your spouse refuses, you must forget about attempts at reconciliation and take care of your own safety. To save yourself from an aggressive spouse, you need to prepare an escape route:

1. Find housing that your spouse doesn’t know about.
2. Seek help from loyal relatives, friends, or a special help center for victims of domestic violence.
3. Collect documents, hide them so that you can take them out and leave the house at any time.
4. All available money and jewelry should be taken with you immediately.
5. If you have children, prepare them for the fact that they will soon have to move, warn them that they cannot talk about the impending escape.

Once the woman is in safe territory, she should prepare for further actions: divorce, litigation, moving. Probably, in order to cope with the situation, she will need the help of a psychologist, a lawyer, and possibly contacting the police. Physical violence is a crime and must be dealt with accordingly.

Reasons for husband's aggression

The reason for the manifestation of physical aggression on the part of the husband is various psychological and social factors that encourage and encourage destructive behavior. These include:

• unfavorable environment in the family in which the man grew up, aggression of the father towards the mother;
• lack of mother's love in childhood, lack of female attention in adulthood;
• tendency towards sadism;
• problems with discipline, low academic performance;
• low level of social responsibility;
• traumatic brain injury;
• low level of empathy.

Not all men who grow up in adverse conditions are violent. Self-control helps to restrain unmotivated aggression and behave appropriately. But if a man does not try to control his behavior, he becomes socially dangerous.

Types of men who are prone to violence

Men with psychopathic and sociopathic personality traits are prone to display aggression. A psychopathic man lacks an adequate perception of reality. He does not perceive other people as living people, they are a means of satisfying his desires. A man strives to offend, anger, and evoke any negative emotions in people in order to receive emotional nourishment from them. He is not able to receive the necessary emotions in normal ways, since there is no place for affection, trust, or respect in his picture of the world. Often the cause of psychopathy is birth trauma, hereditary psychological disease, and disorders in brain development.

The reason for a sociopath's aggression is lack of upbringing. A man does not receive the necessary skills to interact with people. Growing up, a sociopath is not able to build a normal relationship with a woman, not perceiving her as an equal partner.

Alcoholism and violence

Alcohol can change a man dramatically, allowing a man prone to aggression to behave inappropriately. This is where most domestic crimes occur. Under the influence of alcohol, a husband can not only insult and beat his wife, but also cause serious injury and even death. An intoxicated husband cannot control his actions and does not think about the consequences.

In most cases, the husband refuses to seek medical help and turns into a chronic alcoholic. It becomes unpredictable and dangerous not only for the wife, but also for the children. They are forced to observe the behavior of a mentally unstable father, they can adopt his behavior and inherit aggressiveness. In addition, children may suffer from father's aggression.

Spouse's jealousy

Men say jealousy is the main cause of aggressive emotional breakdowns. To a certain extent, jealousy is inherent in all people, but a mentally healthy, adequate man can cope with jealousy and correct his behavior without transferring aggression to his partner.

An insecure husband prone to paranoia and pathological jealousy will look for signs of infidelity, even when there is no real reason. He doesn’t need a real reason; he is guided by a distorted idea of ​​married life. For a jealous person, physical violence is a way to mark his territory. The husband can beat and intimidate his wife, making others understand that the wife is his property, and it is better for potential lovers to stay away.

Features of the psychology of the aggressor

In the mind of a pathologically aggressive man, his actions are an adequate reaction caused by his wife’s incorrect behavior. For normal mental well-being, he needs, with the help of which he relieves emotional stress.

A woman is not chosen by chance: a man chooses a wife who will be dependent on him. An insecure woman who needs protection and is prone to self-accusation is ideal.

It doesn't matter whether the victim is defending himself or not. The husband perceives retaliatory aggression as a legalization of his own aggression. If the wife does not respond to attacks, accepting the role of the victim, the husband convinces himself that this state of affairs is normal. A man is afraid of losing his wife, he is attached to the victim, needs her. Therefore, after a beating, the husband always apologizes and promises to improve. Manipulates his wife's feelings, making her believe that this breakdown was the last.

Features of the psychology of the victim

In psychology, victimized (sacrificial) behavior is a special behavioral strategy characteristic of weak, dependent people. Victimized women behave childishly and are afraid to take responsibility, make important decisions, and take an active position in life.

Various factors lead to the formation of victimized behavior in girls. These include:

• physical violence from parents;
• school bullying, insults;
• physical, mental illnesses;
• an authoritarian father who forces him to adhere to a victimized line of behavior;
• physical or sexual violence from a guy.

The manifestation of victim traits in a woman attracts a man prone to sadistic behavior to her. Realizing that the victim will not resist, the man uses her insecurity and low self-esteem to selfishly satisfy his inadequate needs.

How to avoid domestic violence

Realizing the peculiarities of the psychology of beatings in the family, the husband and wife can try to correct the situation if they really value their relationship. If a guy realizes that his behavior is inappropriate, he should consult a psychologist and undergo a course of therapy aimed at developing internal self-control.

The wife of a tyrant husband also needs psychological help. Expert advice will help her build the necessary psychological boundaries and restore peace of mind. But if a man refuses to seek psychological help, the only way to avoid domestic violence is to separate. You cannot give in to persuasion and believe promises of improvement. The tendency to aggression cannot disappear; inadequacy only increases. And if at first the husband allows himself only light pushes and slaps, soon they will turn into full-fledged beatings. The longer a wife endures aggression, the more difficult it is to get out of this relationship and start a new one.

Useful video

How can a woman understand that there is a tyrant next to her and how to act with him? A psychologist will tell you about all this in a short video:

Question for psychologists

I have been working in the police for almost 20 years. In addition, I have hobbies, I am a hunter and fisherman, and I am also involved in motorized hang gliding, I am 39 years old. My wife is 27 years old, and this is not the first time she and I have been married (I’m the third and she’s also the third time) married. Everything is in bed and as a housewife she suits me completely, but we have no mutual understanding. We always suspect each other of something, we are jealous, both her and me. Often just out of nowhere. Due to frequent separations and duty (she studies at the institute, and I’m either fishing or hunting), sometimes for 2 months, we quarrel, sometimes it comes to assault on my part. But we make up again and live like a It's a peaceful time. We love our friend very much. But the last time, after the next session, I again made a scandal because of jealousy. Although now I realized everything that was happening. but she doesn’t even want to listen to me. For 2 months (in which we live separately, each in our own apartment, we periodically have sex, of course, I feel that there is no relationship as with a loved one. And I understand that I offended her very much. What and how I no longer begged her, asked for forgiveness, crawled on my knees, but she says that she doesn’t love me, and most importantly, she doesn’t believe that I have changed, I really, really realized that I couldn’t live without her. I love her very much. Now I’m desperate. I can’t sleep, in fact, I can’t calm down at night, neither pills nor other sedatives help me sleep. I’m really in despair. What can I try to do? I think that love lives in her, but she is under a deep layer of resentment and mistrust... P O M O G I T E! Life is not sweet without her, how can I convince her that I won’t do it anymore, I will do my best. Just tell me what to do. souls!!!

Hello, Yuri! In order to show her that you have realized - it’s not enough to walk on your knees and say that you can’t live without her - such an action and such words DO NOT say anything about your feelings, that you understood and analyzed the situation and therefore she DOES NOT see, What exactly have changed on your part? Now you need to realize and weigh everything yourself - remember and understand the specific situations of your quarrels - in order to see what contribution you yourself made to the development of these quarrels - where and what went wrong, what led to exactly this outcome and when you talk to her in this vein - she will already hear you - she will hear that you are not just yearning for her, but also that you understand where and when you brought her pain and in what way? most likely, there is a style of relationship between you that does NOT bring openness and trust to your relationship - you each individually do NOT voice your experiences to your partner, but translate it into criticism and accusations, and the natural reaction to this is only defense, hiding your feelings ( expectations from a partner) - By doing so, you are only moving away from each other! but by exposing them, learning to convey everything constructively to each other, both of you can help the relationship truly develop, and not turn into a battlefield! and if you really want everything to change - and not just for her to return (after all, what then - will everything continue in a circle again?), but both of you could build relationships together - then this requires changes - both on your part and on her side (after all, a relationship is the contribution of both!) - after all, everything can be conveyed without resorting to physical assault (and for a woman this is painful - the very fact that a man was able to raise his hand and thus show his strength)!

In general, Yuri, if you really decide to understand the situation and help your relationship, you can safely contact me - call me - I will be only happy to help you!

Good answer 7 Bad answer 2

Dear Yuri! From the context of your letter, this signaled to me personally:

- “I work in the police” (was it by chance that you started with this statement, and was it so important for the situation you described);

- “Everything is in bed and as a mistress she suits me” (consumer attitude towards his wife, a very convenient toy, sometimes you can break something in it (knock, for example);

- “Now I’m desperate” (of course, my own favorite toy was taken away);

- “I won’t do it again” (little boys used to be put in a corner for this, for breaking toys, even if they asked for forgiveness).

How do you like this perspective?!

Ask yourself: what games do you both play? And will you be able to grow up yourself without waiting for “psychotherapeutic assholes” (sorry, but this is an expression from a famous psychotherapist).

I recommend: going to a psychologist to sort yourself out and understand whether you have really changed, and in what ways, in order to make sure that you are not lying to yourself just to get your favorite “toy”. Maybe they will tell you about the “Rapist-Victim” roles. Maybe not.

With all respect and love. ON THE.

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Yuri, I completely agree with the previous speaker!

How can I “convince her that I won’t do it again”? How do you know? that you won't do it anymore? It is important for you to deal with your previous marriages (without working on your mistakes, you will just get married and divorced), with the fact that you yourself are suffering in the “aggressor = victim” combination (either you organize a massacre, then you “beg, just forgive, crawl on your knees ")... A woman does not need such swinging on a swing with maximum amplitude, and she is tired, her feelings are hurt. And the readiness to “make every effort” is alarming; maybe the efforts will again be expressed in a breakdown, a surge of jealousy (are they themselves pure and innocent? They usually suspect others in case of self-doubt, or they project something “of their own”).

And the childish “just tell me what to do”... Your frequent divorces, by the way, speak of immaturity, both phrases and actions. No matter how much they “prompt” you, the hints will not be of any use to you! A person can do what he is ready and capable of, what is in the zone of proximal development. In the meantime, you don’t know, neither about the goal, nor about yourself... Going to a psychologist is the right decision. If you dare to explore your... parental family. Everything comes from there.

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Hello, Yuri.

You are right, it sounds like your wife is very offended. And it seems that your apologies are not enough to cure her pain. And in this context, the question “how to convince her” sounds strange. Look at the facts: You beat her more than once and each time, I assume, you promised that there would be no repetition. And then they beat me again. It is logical that, based on her experience, she does not believe you. But this does not mean that all is lost. In my opinion, first it is important to deal with accumulated grievances, and then with jealousy, because of which, according to your letter, all this is happening. This can be done during pair work with a psychologist. Which will allow you to see what is happening a little more broadly, to talk about your experiences a little more than you usually do.

If this option suits you, I will be happy to help.

Sincerely,

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Does your husband beat and insult you? How to behave? A woman must understand that the whole family suffers from problems with her husband’s aggression. For a long time now, many women have not had the strength to endure their husband’s injustice, especially if he raises his hand. You can often hear these complaints from unhappy women; they cannot just get a divorce. There are many reasons for this, and where can you gain the strength to endure your husband’s beatings?

What causes aggression in a husband?

In many families, the husband beats his wife because he cannot control his wife. There are women who cannot simply leave such a person. The main reason for this is that there are children in the marriage, for whom the woman is ready to do anything, even endure beatings. Sometimes husbands do not beat their wives in front of their children, so they have to put up with injustice.

There are cases when a husband beats his wife, but leaves no marks on the body; this usually happens unexpectedly. In public, such husbands behave quite adequately, so the wife cannot even complain to anyone. Simply no one will believe her and they may even condemn her for slander. In public, such husbands will never say an extra word to their wife, but at home they become scary.

Many women are simply ashamed to admit that their husband beats him because his relatives and friends respect him. Many people simply do not notice any violent tendencies in a person. Even children in such a marriage may not know about their father's behavior. What should a woman do in this case, because she is very afraid of her husband?

If a husband begins to beat his wife, then he has problems with self-control and aggression. This is very difficult to fix, because only a psychologist can help. But it is very difficult for a woman to offer this to her husband, because he can only react to it with anger. A woman needs to understand for herself why she tolerates this attitude. If you can no longer tolerate your husband’s aggression, then you need to leave him or help him. If a woman is sure that her husband loves her, then she needs to find a way to cope with her problem.

What to do if your husband beats you

There is no excuse for a husband to beat his wife. Such a husband is considered a tyrant with mental problems. Psychologists call such husbands kitchen boxers. A man can behave aggressively towards those people who are weaker than them. In society, such people are very calm and friendly, but once they cross the threshold of the house, they begin to throw out all their negativity on their family. Such people love to humiliate mentally and physically. This behavior destroys the wife’s psyche, so the unhappy woman begins to get sick and lose strength. Children notice everything in such families and suffer in silence because they do not know how to help their mother.

If a woman decides that the time has come to change her life, then she should make a list that lists all the pros and cons. Any violence in the family does not lead to anything good, so there is no need to feel sorry for your husband who cannot even make an appointment with a psychologist. If the husband agrees to go to the doctor, it means that he still has a human relationship with his wife. But if the husband has no regrets about his actions, then there is no point in regretting his relationship with such a tyrant.

Bye everyone.
Best regards, Vyacheslav.