How to heal from pride? The path to healing begins with admitting that you have pride. And don’t just say: “Yes, the description is about me.” This kind of confession will not help you. At a deep level, within yourself, you discover all the signs and manifestations of pride. You need

The pain of betrayal is a serious and difficult test for a woman and at the same time her lesson. When faced with betrayal, a woman’s world collapses - for some temporarily, for others forever. When a woman first finds out that her husband has cheated, she panics. For most of you this happens

Sexual infidelity among men in marriage is as common as it is psychologically traumatic. Numerous and reliable demographic studies of the last quarter of a century show: 74, and according to some data - 75% of husbands - residents of large cities - have had extra-marital sexual relations one or more times. I refer to data from studies conducted in Russian megacities by both domestic and foreign scientists. In Western European countries, these figures do not go beyond 50% - our Russian psychological culture with its lack of religious inhibitions, the cult of “macho” and the abundance of single women determines our absolute primacy in this area.
For many years I have been speaking at international conferences with reports and presentations on psychotherapeutic assistance to victims of sexual infidelity; and every time my colleagues - especially from English-speaking countries - ask me to confirm the statistics of adultery I give, perceiving the numbers mentioned with distrust. But what to do - the reliability of these figures has been proven by a variety of scientists...
When sexual infidelity became not only the subject of interest of writers, comedians, joke makers, etc., but also the object of serious scientific research, the emphasis shifted from the superficial psychological aspects of this phenomenon to the deeply psychological, psychophysiological and genetic aspects. The active interest of psychotherapists and sexologists in the problem of marital infidelity is caused by the role and significance of this phenomenon for mental health: women - after all, victims of infidelity make up 18 - 19% of all those who seek psychotherapeutic help. Infidelity is the second leading cause of female depression, the third leading cause of suicide and suicide attempts. And to create effective methods of psychotherapeutic assistance to victims of infidelity, specialists need a deep knowledge of this phenomenon.
Today we know that a man's sexual behavior is largely controlled by the so-called. The “infidelity genome”—more precisely, the genome that makes us have sexual intercourse with new women. Research over the last decade, primarily by Robin Baker's group, no longer leaves any doubt about this. Moreover, a very similar gene is supposed to be present in women; it works a little differently - strictly during the period of ovulation, for 8 - 10 days favorable for conception. And today, sexological science has revised the traditional ideas about marital fidelity of the fair sex: the “ovulation impulse” pushes our friends into short-term (and very vivid!) sexual contacts with unfamiliar partners, as a rule.
We also know that the stronger sex also expresses a desire for self-affirmation through new “conquests”, new “victories” over women. Expressed in our male character is sexual curiosity, interest in the structure of the female body, in the sexual behavior of the new woman. In the male community, in the male subculture, the experience of sexual communication, the number and quality of women you have are highly valued. The ideal of the male community is a man who does not run after skirts, but at any opportunity “will not miss his own.” Let's add to what has been said that large (and not very large) cities all over the world are overcrowded with single - mostly divorced - women, who for the most part are quite willing to have intimate relationships with a married man - for lack of free ones. In Moscow, for example, in 1964, according to sociological research, of 30-year-old single women, only less than 20% were ready for a relationship with a married man, and last year, 2003 (just 40 years later) - almost 80%. A study of 40-year-old single Muscovite women with higher education (divorced and unmarried), conducted in 1999 by a group of sociologists from the international company Pfizer, showed that almost 75% of them had sexual contacts with married men of varying durations - from one-time to long-term novels.
These different cheaters
Among married men who enter into extramarital intimate relationships, researchers from different countries (Frank Pitman, Margaret LeRoy and others) distinguish - with some degree of convention - three main groups. The first group is the most numerous; husbands of this group have affairs with a frequency of once every two to three years, these affairs last an average duration of two to five months. In 90% of cases, these connections are carefully hidden and remain unknown to the wife (and if they become known to her, it is not through his fault). Their husbands are driven by the desire for self-affirmation, to have more and more women recognize their attractiveness. He remains on friendly terms with his partners in an affair; after the affair, his self-esteem increases significantly and he remains sexually faithful for a long time.
The second group is husbands in whose lives there are short-term, often one-time, extramarital sexual contacts, and not relationships at all, not “affairs on the side.” Such sexual contacts usually arise situationally: at parties, on business trips, on vacation. They are even less likely than in the first group to come into the light of day, except perhaps by accident or as a result of infection by a random partner.
The most malicious
Particular attention of psychotherapists is attracted to husbands of the third group, who throughout their married life, right up to old age, maintain sexual relationships with extramarital partners, essentially not hiding this from their wife, although they do not openly acknowledge this fact. For decades, they have been dating a variety of women, their relationships have varied durations: with someone - a year, with someone - two weeks, but in these relationships there are practically no breaks, so characteristic of ordinary “traitors”. Experts are well aware that after a romantic extramarital relationship there comes both a feeling of satisfaction and the so-called “post-love asthenia” - tired of the feeling of love (after all, it requires a lot of emotional stress). These two psychological phenomena: satisfied self-love and post-romantic asthenia - make it impossible for most men to continuously be infatuated with “women on the side” and lead to long periods of monogamy in marriage, periods of family unity and cloudless happiness.
Why are the extramarital relationships of men of the third group so unique, why are there no “post-love exhaustion” in them, why do these husbands not give their wives any respite, keep them in a state of tension and depression, and do not psychologically return to the family? American researcher Anna Selter undertook a very complex study of extramarital partners of “malicious cheaters” and revealed two striking circumstances. Firstly, these partners often did not correspond to the social, educational and intellectual level of the “traitors” - in all these parameters they turned out to be significantly lower, whereas in “ordinary” novels men become attached to women of a similar socio-cultural stratum. Secondly, in these novels there was no passion or emotional uplift; for the vast majority these were smooth, ordinary sexual relationships. There were no sexual excesses (intensive intimate life at the beginning of the relationship), nor the desire to spend a lot of time with a friend - to go with her on the weekend, spend a vacation, or at least a night. Selter studied almost 200 “girlfriends” of these “cheaters” and found that most of them were sincerely surprised by the behavior of their partners. Unlike the novels of the first group, these were often finished by the mistress, disappointed by the insufficient emotional attitude towards herself.
Psychotherapists know well that sexual contacts of husbands from the first and second groups in no way imply a negative attitude towards their wife, or a desire to somehow hurt or offend her. As Frank Pitman aptly put it, “in affairs, we men solve our own problems in relationships with the fair sex in general, and not problems with our wives.” The wives themselves always believe that an extramarital relationship reflects some shortcomings of the marriage, that, as people say, “a husband does not cheat on a good wife,” “in a good marriage, husbands do not cheat.” The last statement is one of the most common myths about adultery, and it has nothing to do with the real state of affairs. In high-quality marital unions (where there is emotional closeness, trust, and good intimate relationships), the prevalence of sexual infidelity is the same as in bad, conflict-ridden married couples.
The research I want to talk about has confirmed the hypothesis: “malicious cheaters” maintain a sexual relationship primarily so that a man can function better in the intimate sphere. In those short intervals between two lovers, which do happen, his sexual activity is practically reduced to zero.
Sexual infidelity is also the best way to keep your wife “at a distance” and in a state of humiliation. To be friendly, caring, and affectionate with your wife, but at the same time regularly have sex with another woman once a week, especially without hiding it - this is sophisticated sadism, traumatizing the victim to a much greater extent than occasional “sex on the side.” “Malicious cheaters” over the years of their life together have brought this process to the level of perfection: they never directly admit that there is another woman in their life, another sexual relationship, but they masterfully convey this fact to their wife. In words, categorically denying sexual infidelity, in other - non-verbal - ways they clearly “signal” about it.
Many experts, emphasizing their outward decency, call such husbands “hidden sexual aggressors.”
Why don't they copy?
The wives of husbands who systematically cheat on them, who came to see me, ask approximately the same questions. This is what my recent client Lisa, a forty-year-old auditor, says: “Yes, I know that men are not saints, that they have some kind of connections on the side.” I would be willing to tolerate this. But why doesn’t my husband try at all to hide his hobbies from me? Why does he show me with all his appearance that I am not alone with him? At first I thought that he was just going to leave me - that’s why he wasn’t hiding anything. Then I realized: he was not going to go anywhere or to anyone, and I stopped worrying about this. I was waiting for him to outgrow it all, for it all to end. We got married when Volodya was 30 years old, now he’s almost fifty, and he’s still dating some “girlfriends.” I have an idea about some of them - and they are not of the highest caliber. It ruins my life and doesn’t make yours any better.
You ask: why don’t I leave him? You know, he’s a really good husband - except for the constant cheating. Always even, calm, friendly, over the many years of living together he never raised his voice at me, never said a rude word. Sometimes I flare up and explode - he restrains himself. He tries to earn money for his family - in his youth he worked hard at two jobs. At first I thought that there was some kind of defect hidden in me as a woman - that’s why he had these connections. I even started an affair with a colleague, and he was delighted with me. But I developed a strong feeling of guilt towards Volodya, and I ended the affair myself. I'm afraid to live alone, I'm afraid to be left without a husband. Here I wait and endure..."
The lack of disguise is a way to humiliate his wife, to force her to constantly think about his connection with his mistress. Such a “husband” cannot function sexually with a woman equal to him; for attraction and erection, he needs a partner of a lower status - so he, without much difficulty, lowers the status of his wife.
State of the victim
Lisa’s “patience” has not left its mark on her: she looks depressed, speaks in a quiet voice and has a stamp of suffering on her face. As I already said, depression in victims of sexual infidelity differs not only in severity, but also in its originality. These women constantly imagine scenes of intimate relations between their husband and his mistress, and in their fantasies the mistress looks both much more attractive and much more temperamental than in reality. Exhausting, wounding fantasies, combined with depressive melancholy, force a woman who is trying to somehow get rid of them to look for and find various bodily (as we say, somatic) diseases, clearly feel non-existent pain and be treated for these imaginary disorders : cardiac, gastrointestinal, endocrine. At the height of depression, so-called “bodily hallucinations” develop - we call them senestopathies: a woman feels pain in the heart or in the duodenum, she does not doubt the truth of these pains. A process occurs that psychotherapists call “somatization of depression.” Painful sensations and poor health are expressed so clearly, so vividly that it is completely impossible to convince them that illness is a manifestation of depression - over many years of practice, I have come to the conclusion that it is pointless to try. I see how the luminaries of therapy, cardiology or enterology (less experienced in psychotherapy) are trying their best to convince these unfortunate women that they do not have any serious illness - but in vain! And finally, there is a specialist who will diagnose the “imaginary patient” and treat her for years. “Flight into illness” to some extent relieves the victim of painful fantasies and jealousy, but does not relieve depression.
Moreover, imaginary diseases - in which the woman herself sincerely believes! - are both a way to attract the husband’s attention (sometimes the only way!), and a way to punish him for infidelity. Such women undergo expensive examinations and often go to inpatient departments: they think that their placement in a hospital will force their husband to change his behavior. “Cheaters” regularly visit their wife in the hospital, bring them broths, fruits and flowers - and get more freedom to meet with their mistress.
In my practice, I constantly see how wives who decide to leave such a “malicious traitor”, within a few weeks, forget about the “diseases” that they suffered for ten years, for which they were treated by the best Moscow specialists, for the treatment of which huge amounts of money were spent. They forget, as if they had never heard of complex diagnoses. And they don’t return to them for decades!
Where did they come from?
Studies of the parent families of “malicious traitors” were carried out in the eighties and nineties by groups of American specialists led by Janice Spring, Anna Selter and several scientists in Australia. A characteristic feature of their childhood was their upbringing in a two-parent family with an imperious, energetic mother, who, as a rule, was not too harsh, dictating the rules of behavior not only for her son, but also for her husband. In most cases, future “hidden sexual aggressors” had the so-called “teenage rebellion” with its inherent conflicts, leaving home, often deviant (deviant) behavior and other properties of a difficult period of hormonal changes. (In general, I advise women to be careful with potential husbands who have experienced a turbulent teenage period, especially a long rebellion against their mother. Behind teenage protests are powerful childhood protests, a subconscious aggressive attitude towards the mother, and this can turn against you).
Psychologists discovered an interesting circumstance: when there were severe conflicts with their mother, the boys attended school regularly, studied well, and maintained good relationships with teachers and classmates. Experts call this behavior “partial rebellion” (i.e., partial rebellion, limited to one area of ​​activity). “Partial rebellion” in general is observed quite rarely among teenagers: if a teenager rebels, it is against parents, and against teachers, and against the rules at school, and against the rules at home. And their protest behavior continues not for several months, not for a year, but for the entirety of five, or even six, long teenage years.
The constant presence of two women in their lives is revealed already in their teenage sexual fantasies, and at the very beginning of their intimate life. The love and long-term attachment to a chosen one, so characteristic of teenagers, is not observed at all among future “malicious cheaters”; their attitude towards women already in the years of sexual debut is rational - consumer, while both rationality and consumerism are well disguised by external politeness and gentleness.
In general, among future “hidden aggressors” we observe an amazingly successful start to their sexual life, which is generally not typical for young people. The vast majority of teenagers, despite their physiological hypersexuality, enter into intimate life not so easily: emotional instability, excitement, love experiences, self-doubt, and lack of experience lead to frequent failures, premature ejaculation, loss of erection and other sexual failures. The so-called older teenagers (16 – 19 years old) make up approximately half of the clients of sexologists. “Malicious cheaters” function surprisingly well, without failures or failures; we explain this fact by their low ability to fall in love and love. As I already said, with all their interest in the fair sex, bright, strong hobbies are not typical for them. For them, passion and intimate relationships are not so much a source of sensual pleasure as a way of self-affirmation and dominance over a woman.
What to do?
If, after getting married, a woman is faced with her husband’s sexual infidelity, then first of all, she needs to decide on the goals and nature of this infidelity. It is not easy to talk about these topics with him, but it is absolutely necessary. And there is absolutely no need to pretend that you do not notice his extramarital affairs: in this case, you look unobservant and stupid. We men cannot respect the one we managed to deceive. Show that you are a “sighted” being, that you know about the existence of this connection, but do not make a tragedy out of it. For cheaters of the first group - those who cheat for self-affirmation - a revealed, devoid of veil of secrecy relationship very often loses all its attractiveness of “war behind enemy lines” and quickly ends.
Remember: no matter how unpleasant and traumatic sexual betrayal is, it represents an excellent opportunity for you to show your best side, to demonstrate your best human qualities. (In everyday, everyday life, these qualities are most often obscured and fade into the background. We all tend to underestimate a loved one simply because we live in close contact, and everyday interaction covers up our merits). The husband expects that the disclosure of his affair will lead to scandals, tears, reproaches, he expects childish disorderly and senseless behavior. Your restraint, self-control, desire to understand the reasons and nature of his “holiday on the side” will make him appreciate you more highly, as my students say, “respect you.”
I recommend that my clients - victims of infidelity - definitely meet with the woman with whom her husband is having a sexual relationship. The purpose of such a meeting is not to cause a scandal, but to understand what motivates your husband to this relationship. Yes, such contact requires the exertion of all mental strength, but it is absolutely necessary to clarify the situation. Based on many years of experience, I can firmly say: it is beneficial in one hundred percent of cases.
Four signs will help you determine which group of “cheating” your husband belongs to: periodic or malicious. The first of these is the frequency of extramarital relationships. For the vast majority of men, after an affair there follows a long period - at least a year, and usually more - a period of fidelity, deep emotional attachment without any interest in “stranger” women. For the “inveterate”, everything is different: one connection is immediately followed – or at intervals of several weeks – by another.
The second sign is the character of the partners. Men of the first group enter into relationships with women of their cultural and social level, with women who are quite worthy. “Malicious” cheaters get involved with a variety of women, often located on the social ladder much lower than themselves. Often such a connection causes surprise - the intellectual, cultural, educational difference between him and his partner is very great.
The third sign is the lack of proper secrecy, neglect to keep extramarital relationships secret. As I already said, behind this is not negligence at all, but a conscious desire to humiliate the wife, put her in a state of depression, and often plunge her into despair.
The fourth is the practical absence of intimate relationships with his wife during those periods when he does not have an extramarital relationship. As a rule, wives are not at all upset by this - sex with their husbands has long become unwanted for them.
When the question arises: to abandon the second woman and stop injuring his wife, but at the same time lose high sexual activity, or continue to turn his wife into a disabled person, but at the same time enjoy an active sex life - most “principled cheaters” choose the second. Psychotherapists have long introduced the concept of “dictatorship of the penis”: if the method of arousal, desire, or the mode of satisfying sexual needs comes into conflict with moral and ethical standards, then the man (most often!) steps over these standards, and at any cost tries to preserve and support his own sexual functioning.
If all four signs of a “malicious traitor” are present in your husband, then all attempts to change him, to make him a faithful husband are completely in vain and doomed to failure. The only way to survive, to maintain your mental health, is to get away from it as quickly as possible. Yes, your financial situation will suffer, your social status will decrease, it will be hard for you for some time, but after two to three weeks you will feel relief, stop constantly thinking about your misfortune, become cheerful, and your cheerfulness will return. You can’t live with a “malicious traitor”...
How many times have I heard from my clients: “I see that a woman I barely know and is not very interesting to me is ready to give herself to me. I know that I don’t need her, that I’ve had hundreds of people like her, that the hundred and first will not add anything to this list... I know that in terms of her human qualities, this woman is no match for my wife. I know that I should go home, be with my wife and child, that I have been neglecting them in recent days (months, years), that my wife’s patience is running out, that she is in despair, that she is about to explode... But still I know that in the first two or three intimacy with this new woman I will have a good erection - like in my youth, that sex with her will give me great (even if very short!) pleasure. And I go to her, or go to a hotel with her, have sex with her and return home at eleven... Sometimes I am tormented by my conscience, a feeling of guilt before my wife and child, but at the same time I know: I cannot and will never do otherwise. I can. As long as I have attraction, I will also have connections “on the side”..."
Of course, a person with such a psyche, with such attitudes cannot and should not be a husband. However, having been abandoned by his wife, he quickly finds another (we have no shortage of single women!) and just as quickly begins to torment her...

Alexander Poleev

Using the example of real stories shared by mothers on the Yu-Mama forum, we examined the behavior of women in different situations of male infidelity. The psychologist commented on each of them and gave practical advice - how to cope with betrayal, how to quickly forget the insult and how to build a future happy life.

Expert: Inna Tomilovskaya, practical psychologist, family psychologist-consultant.

Situation one. How to glue a broken cup?

“A year has passed since I found out. My soul still hurts, it’s not as tearing apart as it was a year ago, of course, but at times it’s hard to breathe. I know everything that happened, and there was a lot: an office romance, a declaration of love, plans to live together/buy a home, dinners together. The truth was revealed to me gradually over the course of a year - I am a very sensitive person and am very sensitive to understatement, so I start digging and find it. It’s hard to think that when he already asked me for forgiveness, he still communicated with her, keeping her as a backup option if I didn’t forgive. I saw the details of the conversations, how he calls me, talks to me for a minute, and then calls her and calms her down for 20 minutes. HOW to live on? HOW, if these thoughts do not leave me and, like an obsession, pop up in my head with every word he says? I always want to be sarcastic, to prick, but I restrain myself, and this makes the lump of resentment grow even more. Sometimes I let myself cry, now it lasts for a week and then again again. When will it end? WHEN will I be able to live as a person and not as an existing person? My husband, by the way, has changed 100%, he does everything for me, for the child, for the family, and is constantly with us. He definitely doesn’t communicate with her anymore; she quit her job not without my encouragement. It seems like everything should work out, but it doesn’t work out, the resentment is eating me up from the inside.”

Questions for the psychologist:

If even after a year a woman cannot forget and forgive, will she forget later?

When a conflict occurs between people, one always contributes exactly half, and the other half contributes. Both are to blame for the fact that events turned out this way.

What is the woman doing now? She blames her husband 100%. She easily sees where he is wrong, gets angry, upset, and feels sorry for herself. She has a clear idea that HE must change, HE must improve, HE must make amends. 99% of people fall on this path, and it is always wrong.

The second way is more difficult. When a woman looks at her 50%. After all, she also influenced the development of events, did something, said something. And there are two options. First: a woman looks at her 50%, sees where she was wrong, and begins to engage in self-criticism. This is the wrong move, because in this case you can get stuck in the past, become depressed, and constantly replay situations. This is a dead end option.

The exit is exactly in the middle. You need to look at your 50% wisely. You need to know your strengths. What's good about me? What's my problem?

But doesn’t a man also need to work on himself?

I am in no way saying that the woman is 100% to blame, and only she should change something in the relationship. We are talking about a specific situation where a man seeks to improve a relationship, as in this story. He seems to be already working on his 50%.

The man admitted his mistake. And here a lot depends on the wisdom of the woman. She should be grateful that a man chose her. This will make her stronger. The question is what the woman will focus on - resentment or gratitude. He made a mistake, he stumbled, but he stayed with her. This joy should give her strength. But most often the emphasis is placed on something else, and this is our mistake. We don't know how to forgive.

This woman’s task now, her life lesson, is to cope with resentment. Her thoughts should be focused not on her husband, but on herself. Be able to forgive. If she has true feelings for this man, then she can tell him: “You know, I’m in a lot of pain, I’m trying to cope with the insult. I will be grateful to you if you are understanding of my reaction. But I need time."

Are there any techniques in psychology that can help a woman cope with resentment?

What can be done purely technically? Take a notebook and write everything that’s on your mind. Your emotions, you can even insult the offender. Then you will get tired of writing or you will get tired. And along with this fatigue will come relief. Then you need to tear up this notebook, you can even burn it. And then imagine that you are standing in a powerful ray of light from the sun, and in this light all grievances dissolve.

There is another technique. You need to buy a bottle of water and vent everything that’s boiling right down your throat. Then you need to pour this water into the toilet. And again imagine a ray of light.

Is it necessary to constantly “talk out” the situation, share it on forums, with friends, mom, etc.? Is this useful or vice versa?

The woman is only getting worse. She revels in being the victim and gets her energy through self-pity. She writes on the forum, everyone feels sorry for her, and from this she receives a colossal amount of energy. But this is not the energy she needs at all. She herself makes the choice not to be happy that the family is preserved, but to live in the past, essentially destroying what exists.

Situation two. How to reconcile and move on alone?

“My family is collapsing, all this because of the woman who appeared with my husband. Yesterday we met with her to talk. She made it clear to me that she would never give up my husband. She doesn’t care about the children, she doesn’t care what breaks up the family. She grabbed with a death grip. He himself asks me for forgiveness for betraying me, but he is not going to return to us. He says that he has never met anyone like her in his life (how it pains me to hear that). How to come to your senses?

Questions for the psychologist:

How can a woman get out of this situation with dignity?

If a woman has low self-esteem, she will dwell on grievances. But her task is to accept the situation. The man did not choose her, but he has already committed this action, and nothing can be done about it. Now we need to learn to build a life without him.

First you need to focus on what she loves, what fills her. Do what you love, start a hobby. You need to fill yourself up first. Then you need to start thinking about why this happened, i.e. watch your 50%. Then you need to ask yourself the question - what will I do with another man?

Then the woman draws new pictures for the future. And if she does not get stuck in the past, fills herself with strength and copes with resentment, it is in this state that a woman is able to attract a man. Given past mistakes, she will behave differently. The likelihood of creating a new family with happy relationships increases many times over.

Why does a woman blame her rival, and not her husband or herself?

Blames his opponent because it’s easier that way. This is human psychology - to appoint someone as extreme. It is in this case that you don’t have to work, you don’t have to do anything. “I’m already good, it’s her fault,” the woman thinks. This gives her the right to do nothing but complain. She just doesn't want to take responsibility for her life.

She does not blame her husband, most likely because it is difficult to admit that a loved one in his right mind made a choice that was not in her favor. Of course, it is psychologically easier to accept that he was influenced from the outside. This is again a failure to admit one’s 50% fault in the current situation.

Was it a mistake to meet your rival?

The only time you can meet is to understand what she gave him that she herself does not have. This is a high level of psychological maturity. More often they meet to arrange a showdown or to vent resentment and anger, to press for pity or out of curiosity. And to meet in order to understand what I’m doing wrong - one woman in a thousand is capable of this.

In other cases, I would not recommend dating. This will escalate the situation and make it even more difficult.

What is the fastest way to recover from this unpleasant situation?

Go to psychological training. There is a theory about children's decisions. And if you follow it and follow the psychologist’s recommendations, then you can deal with this problem quite quickly. The theory is based on the fact that all our reactions come from childhood. A psychologist will help you find the true cause and help you cope with the problem.

For example, if a girl’s dad did not fulfill some promise, and this was repeated several times, then the girl becomes convinced that all men are deceivers. As an adult, she will choose exactly the man who confirms her childhood decision. And so it is in everything. If a woman wants differently, she must launch a different psychological process in herself and look for those men who can be trusted.

Situation three. Should I save my family?

“There are: me, my husband, my mistress. We've been living together for 5 years, baby. Young mistress, 8-9 weeks pregnant. The hero-lover is horrified by the current situation. The girl, apparently wearing rose-colored glasses, dreams of making him officially marry and be with her. He, of course, doesn’t want this and dreams of staying with us. Begs for forgiveness. Now it's up to me. The unfortunate father has not lived with us for three weeks, I don’t let him. All the property that we have is registered in my name. We can live without him, I have a great job. Now I have a cool head, but I can’t decide for myself what to do. I want to get out of this situation with minimal losses for myself. And I’m not sure that we can live together.”

Questions for the psychologist:

What can help a woman choose the right option?

It all depends on the woman. If there is love, then you need to muffle your pride and ego. Now pride creeps in: “I decide here myself, I can live without him,” etc. And she will be left alone - what will she do? Sometimes a woman will do bad things out of revenge and resentment, and then come to her senses and regret it.

You need to get back to normal in time and answer the questions: Does he love me? Or does he want to be with me out of convenience?

If you have feelings, the chance is great. On top of feelings come resentment and revenge, but we need to start working. Sit down together and talk. If he says that he chooses family, there is a high probability that the relationship can be saved.

And if he returns and doesn’t know what he wants, then there’s a different course of events. Then a woman needs to soberly assess whether she needs such a man.

When a person asks for forgiveness, it is as if the other person is standing on a mountain, looking down and forgiving with a broad gesture. A broad gesture won't help here. We need real forgiveness.

What is the probability that the saved family will be happy?

If people decide, out of mutual convenience, to stay together, it will essentially turn out that strangers are living under the same roof. Outwardly it will look like a family: mom, dad, child, everything is in order. But in fact there is no family. People deceive themselves, deprive themselves of their feelings. And most importantly, what do children see? Children will learn that in a family everyone lives their own life. Children feel everything so subtly, they develop life decisions and scenarios, and this can subsequently complicate their relationship with their significant other.

If people decide to stay together out of mutual feelings, the likelihood of a happy relationship is quite high.

Situation four. The first "bells"

“I saw my boyfriend’s profile on a dating site. This is not the first time - I caught him before and removed the profile. Now again. It hurts, because we’ve been together for 2.5 years. He, as I understand it, corresponds with girls and goes on dates. I’m gathering my thoughts once again - it feels like I’ve been doused with slop. There is pain, anxiety, and fear in my soul at the same time. But something needs to change. I don't know what to say when it comes. Or don’t say anything?”

Questions for the psychologist:

Why do women often “turn on Sherlock” and find reasons for concern themselves?

Women who like to get into their husband's phone or computer are women who have the attitude that men cannot be trusted. A woman needs to work with herself - why do I choose men who deceive me?

Why does a man constantly go to a dating site? Two options: 1. He is a womanizer by nature, very loving, he needs female attention 2. He has not decided whether this woman with whom I live is mine.

In the second option, this will pass when he makes up his mind. A woman can work a little on herself to resolve this issue in her favor. In the first, he will remain like this forever, and even after getting married, he will seek the attention of other women. That is, a woman first of all needs to understand the type of man.

Is the behavior of a “female detective” correct?

I am a proponent of not getting into phones and computers. If you already have suspicions, it is better to talk frankly. Say: “I feel like you are missing something in our relationship. Tell me what exactly, and I’ll try to change.” From these moments you can have very constructive and useful conversations, but you need female wisdom.

The psychology of a man is such that when he is released, he does not want to leave, and when he is held, he wants to leave. Therefore, the phrases: “I love you, and I’m very sorry that you are leaving. I can correct myself if you tell me where I am wrong. But if you choose another, I’ll let you go” - they have a magical effect on men. The likelihood increases that the man will stay.

An important point is that when a woman finds out something, she has a whole tangle of emotions, and at these moments you cannot make decisions, find out, talk, because she will definitely do the wrong thing. Or out of anger, or out of revenge, or out of resentment. First, she needs to take some time, cool down, calm down, and go to the gym. Remove the bubbling emotions from yourself, then sit down and think: What is happening? There must be an analysis with a cool head. And only then you need to go to talk.

Situation five. Relapse

I changed it for the first time when the child was just born. I found out, but didn’t admit it. But they seem to have hushed up the situation. Today I found out about cheating again. Moreover, I didn’t go into his phone, social networks, etc., so as not to get upset. And the news about the betrayal came from a friend of mine. How to learn to act as if your husband is indifferent? It seems like he wants to teach him a lesson. On the other hand, I understand that it is useless. I’ve already ruined my family.”

Should I forgive a second time?

If his wife is not dear to him and not valuable, the man does not make a choice towards family, then the woman needs to think about whether she needs such a man next to her? If betrayal is repeated a second or third time, you need to think about it. Forgiving for life means not respecting yourself and doing nothing to be appreciated. By constantly forgiving, she makes it clear: this is possible with me.

Should we “teach a lesson” and change in response?

A common mistake is to increase your value by changing in response. This is a psychological defense with revenge. You hurt me, I will go and hurt you back. What's next? He felt pain, he went and did something else. This path is destructive. Are you sure that when a man sees her betrayal, he will say: Oh, dear, really, how I love you...?

Probably, such cases happen, but they are more likely the exception than the rule.

If a wife is not satisfied with something about a man, she can switch to the house and children. If a man is not satisfied, he has nothing to switch to. He can switch, of course, to work. But he still needs a woman’s warmth. And he begins to look for it “on the side,” sometimes this happens unconsciously or by chance.

The first dangerous family moment is when children are born. The husband feels abandoned and unwanted. Try to pay attention to him. Often the children sleep with their mother, the husband separately on the sofa. A woman does what is easier for her, she can be understood. But you need to remember the consequences. There is a concept in psychology called “dethronement.” A man finds himself in such a situation. He was everything in the family, and then he is dethroned.

The second dangerous point is frequent quarrels. Why do quarrels happen? Because we do not know how to separate a person from an action. The woman made a mistake, the man immediately says - you are so and so, he insults the person, harsh energy comes, the woman is offended, the man is angry, and a lump of conflict begins to grow.

But if, for example, he doesn’t like something, and he says this: “Darling, I love you very much, but when you do this, it’s unpleasant for me.” The energy is different. The likelihood that a woman will think about her action and not be offended at the same time increases many times over.

Family is given to man so that we learn to love. Of course, just like that. I love you any. I see your shortcomings, but I even tell you about them with love. If conversations begin with the phrase “I love you,” then they lead to constructiveness.

Close people know each other well, know their partner’s weaknesses, and know exactly “where to hit” in order to offend. One offends the other, the other responds by sending him something even more offensive, and so on in increasing order. The conflict is not resolved, but grows. And if you take it and send something good instead of something offensive. No “spite”, no revenge, no sending pain back.

Loving and preserving a family is work. Why do families break up and betrayals occur? Because we stop working and show ourselves in all our glory. Those couples who work live together happily and for a long time.