Summary: Why do children fight? Difficulties in children's relationships. Causes of children's quarrels. Advice from a psychologist on overcoming conflict situations in children.

Anya (5 years old) did not go to kindergarten. She stayed at home with her beloved mother. She had been looking forward to this day so much, she wanted to be at home so much, but now for some reason she was bored. She walks around the rooms, moves toys from one place to another, looks out the window and doesn’t know what to do. Mom has already read her a fairy tale, played with her, but something is still missing.

Mom, can I go get Marina and call her?
- Well, of course you can, come in if you want.

After a while, the girls enthusiastically begin to play: “This is our table, this is my stove, I will cook dinner...” It’s no longer boring at all, and even, on the contrary, it’s very fun. This goes on for about half an hour. And suddenly angry screams are heard from the children's room:

You’re putting it in the wrong place, you’re doing everything wrong, look!
- Let me go, I’ll do it myself!
- Give it back, it's mine!
- Go away, you ruined everything! You broke everything!
- Okay, I’ll leave, Anya, but I’ll never come again!
- Well, don’t come, I’m not friends with you anymore!

The front door slams, Anya, sobbing, complains to her mother about the disgusting Marinka. But after half an hour it becomes unbearably boring again: “Mom, can I go get Marina?”

Again the girls play together, and everything repeats from the beginning. Why is this happening? On the one hand, children are very drawn to each other, but on the other hand, they often quarrel.

To understand complex children's relationships, let's try to understand how young children perceive each other. Let's eavesdrop on our girlfriends' conversation before they quarreled.

My doll has a beautiful dress!
- And my mother bought me slippers, look!
- I will build a house for a doll, here is my crib.
- And my doll is better than yours, I braid her hair.
- And I tie my bows. I already know how to tie bows.
- And I can draw a princess with bows...

Please note that in every child’s phrase, “I” is in the center: I have, I can, I do, etc. Children seem to brag to each other about their skills, virtues, and property. It is important to demonstrate all this to your peer in order to surpass your partner in at least something (or better yet, in everything). A toy that cannot be shown to anyone loses half of its appeal. Why is this so important for children?

First of all, because a small child needs confidence that he is noticed, that he is the best, loved, etc. This confidence reflects the attitude of parents towards him, for whom their own child is always the best. While the baby is at home, he does not need to prove to mom and dad that he is the best. But as soon as he finds himself among children, this truth ceases to be so obvious, and the child has to prove his right to uniqueness and superiority.

The easiest way is to compare yourself with someone who plays next to you and who is so similar to you. True, young children compare themselves with others very subjectively. Their main task is to prove their superiority, and for this they resort to a variety of arguments. But behind all this is: “Look how good I am!” That's what a peer is for! It is needed in order to have someone to compare yourself with (otherwise, how can you prove that you are better than everyone), and also in order to have someone to show your merits. It turns out that A small child sees a peer primarily as an object for comparison with himself. And the peer himself, his personality (interests, actions, qualities) seem to be completely unnoticed. Or rather, they are noticed, but only when they begin to interfere, when a peer does not behave as they would like. And immediately these qualities receive a harsh and unambiguous assessment:

Don't push, fool!

You are disgusting greedy!

You're doing it all wrong, bully!

Children reward each other with similar epithets based on individual harmless actions: if you don’t give a toy, it means you’re greedy; if you do something different from me, it means it’s wrong. The child openly and directly communicates this to his little friend. But his friend expects something completely different from him! He also needs recognition, approval, praise!

This is the first cause of children's conflicts. Every child needs a good peer relationship. But he cannot understand that his peer needs the same thing. Praising and approving another child turns out to be very difficult for a preschooler.

Why do children not notice other people's virtues and emphasize only negative traits in the behavior of their peers? The fact is that preschoolers see and perceive only the external pattern of another’s behavior, only its visible, tangible result. They see that other children are pushing, screaming, getting in the way, taking away toys, etc. But it is still difficult for them to understand that each peer is an individual, with his own inner world, interests, desires, preferences. And children are still very poorly aware of their own inner world. Preschoolers behave impulsively and often cannot explain why and why they are doing something. But if a person is not aware of his experiences, intentions, interests, then how can he imagine what others feel? This is the second reason for children’s frequent quarrels and conflicts.

How to help a child look at himself and his peer from the outside?

For this purpose we organized such a situation. Two children were invited to play together for 20-30 minutes. In the room there were pencils, cubes, cars - in general, everything necessary for the game. The kids began to play, and everything was as it always happens when children play. And we recorded their arguments, explanations and accusations on a tape recorder. (The children, naturally, did not suspect this.) After the game, the children returned to their friends on the street, and we called one of them over and let them listen to the tape recording. Needless to say, how amazing and interesting it was for the child to listen to his own voice. He usually recognized himself and his partner. He recognized it not even by the timbre of his voice, but by the content of the statements, which he, of course, remembered when listening. If such recognition did not occur, we helped him: “Who is this talking? Do you recognize? This is you, and this is Sasha...” And so on until the child unmistakably recognized himself and his partner.

And now, when the picture of peer communication has been reproduced and the child sees himself as if from the outside, you can talk to him about the behavior of his friends. To do this, we selected some characteristic fragments of their interaction (quarrels, proposals, objections, the division of toys, etc.) and asked the child the same questions: “What did you do? How did you do it? Why did you do it? Why did you do that?" Exactly the same questions were asked in relation to the child’s partner: “Why do you think he did that?” Etc. How did preschoolers behave in such an unusual situation for them? Let's start with an example.

During the game, Sasha and Seryozha could not share the truck with a lifting body: both wanted to take it for themselves. They argued for a long time about who would drive this truck, not wanting to give it up to each other. In the end, Seryozha finally gave the car to Sasha, and he started working on the cubes.

The adult let Sasha listen to a fragment of their dialogue and began asking him questions:

What did you and Seryozha do?
- Were playing.
- How did you play?
- Just to the cars, I needed a truck, but he wouldn’t give me one.
- Why did you need a truck?
- I wanted it, but he didn’t give it to me.
- But why do you need a truck?
- I wanted to play with him (after a long silence).
- Why do you think Seryozha didn’t give?
- I didn’t want to and didn’t give... (again a long tense silence).

That's the whole explanation: "I wanted to, but he didn't want to." But the fact that this truck is new, that it is more attractive than all other cars, that Seryozha, just like him, Sasha, wants to play with this toy because it is interesting (its body rises) - this seems to pass by Sasha's consciousness. All that matters to him is that Seryozha doesn’t want to give him a car. The desires and interests of Seryozha himself do not seem to exist for Sasha. But can he, Sasha, somehow explain the actions of his partner? To find out this, the adult asks Sasha the following question: “Why do you think Seryozha gave you this truck?” Oddly enough, this question prompts the boy not to think, but to take action. He runs to the window, leans out onto the street where children are walking (including Seryozha), and shouts: “Seryozha, why did you give me a truck?” Seryozha shrugs his shoulders in bewilderment. “He doesn’t know,” Sasha says confidently.

But I'm asking you, why do you think he did that?
“He doesn’t know,” Sasha repeats, “how can I tell if he doesn’t know...

It turns out that Sasha does not even allow the thought that he himself can guess what motivates the actions of his peer, why he commits certain actions. He cannot say anything definite about his motives, other than “wanted” or “didn’t want.”

Sasha and Seryozha are still very young. They are both almost 4 years old. Of course, an adult’s questions about the motives of behavior are too difficult for them. But still, even such kids are not left indifferent to such questions. Some children, without answering them immediately, continue to think about them and then, after some time, report: “I was angry because he broke my house” or: “I stopped drawing because Lena was pushing.”

These thoughtful messages are the first step to self-awareness. Children begin to understand that people's actions are not random actions, that there is cause and effect connected in a single chain. “He broke the house, so I got angry,” “She pushed, so I couldn’t draw.” Of course, the links in this chain are still very short. But what is characteristic is that the child sees the reason, the motive for his action, primarily in the actions of his peer. Not in yourself and not in surrounding objects (this happens very rarely), but in another person. The behavior of another person acts as the cause of his actions, state, mood. Even small children (4 years old) can trace the objective, non-judgmental dependence of their own actions on the actions of their partner: “I saw Lesha draw, and I began to draw myself.” And when a child sees in the behavior of a peer the reason for his own actions, he is already able to consider his own actions (and therefore himself) as the reason for the actions of another: “I told her how to play with blocks, so she began to play” or: “I showed her how to comb the doll’s hair, so she began to comb it.”

At about 5 years old, children begin to clearly understand that they need each other. Of course, the need to communicate with a peer appears earlier (about 4 years), but younger preschoolers are still unconsciously drawn to other children. But at the age of 5, children already confidently say that it is better to play together. The desire to be together becomes a typical explanation for their behavior. For example, to the question “Why did you start carrying cubes?” Vova answered confidently: “Because Kolya and I built a house together and we needed blocks.” And Lena justified her actions like this: “I’m friends with Olya, so she and I do everything together, what I do, so does she. I started playing with dolls, and she started playing with me.”

It must be said that by the age of 5-6 years there are fewer conflicts and quarrels. It is no longer so important for a child to establish himself in the eyes of his peers. It is much more important to play together to make it interesting, to build a big house out of cubes or to arrange a beautiful room for dolls. And it doesn’t really matter who makes the house or the room. The main thing is to do it together. More and more often, children talk about themselves from the position of “we”: we are playing, we didn’t succeed, we will go, etc. Even when the child was asked about his own, individual actions, for example: “Why did you suddenly start jumping?” - he answered for two at once: “Ilyusha and I decided to dance.” In this “we” “I” and “you” are inseparably represented. And they are always united by some common activity, business, decision. Another child (peer) here is a necessary condition for this common cause: together it’s more fun, more interesting, and things work out better.

But besides this obvious, conscious desire of children to be together, in preschool age the desire to do something for a friend arises. In general, interest in a peer appears in individual statements of children aged 3-4 years. But at first, children perceive each other only in their momentary manifestations, only “here and now.” Therefore, they are interested in a peer only in how he attracts attention to himself: what he has and what he does. Interest in another is associated with its specific, visible, tangible manifestations:

Show me what You got?
- What do you play?
- What kind of apron do you have?

Isn’t it true, outwardly this is very similar to the conversation between Anya and Marina, which we cited at the beginning. But essentially this is completely different. Behind these questions is not a desire to brag, not to demonstrate oneself, but an interest in a peer. This is how the understanding comes that another child may have other activities, other games. They are no worse or better than mine, they are different. But behind these other activities and subjects, children do not yet see another person. Therefore, questions like “Why and why is his friend doing this?” too difficult for a small child.

Only by the age of 6-7 years does the child show interest in his peer, which is not related to his specific actions:

Show me, are you not hurt? Aren't you in pain?
- Would you like to take a bite of the apple?
- Did you like the cartoon on TV?

Despite the naivety and simplicity of these questions, they no longer only involve interest in the activities or property of another child, but attention to him and even care for him. They contain the germs of a new relationship between children. A peer is no longer just an object for comparison with oneself, it is no longer just a condition for an exciting game, but an intrinsically valuable and significant human personality with his own experiences and preferences.

In our situation with the tape recorder, the older children (6-7 years old) were no longer surprised by questions about why they or their partner performed this or that action. They, like the younger ones, saw the reason for their actions in their peers. But if for younger preschoolers another child acted as the reason for unsuccessful actions (pushes, interferes, makes noise), then for older preschoolers, on the contrary, he becomes the goal of their actions. They did something specifically for their friend and understood this: “I wanted to help him and so I began to build with him”; “I wanted her to quickly draw a good vase, so I started looking for sharp pencils for her.” Children think not only about how to help another in his specific childhood activities, but also about his mood and desires. It is very important. They sincerely want to bring each other joy and pleasure: “I grunted because I wanted to make Yulia laugh, she loves to laugh so much!”; “I drew this drawing so that Sveta would be happy when I give it to her”; “I started playing in the store because Lena loves to play in the store most of all.” In all these explanations, the other child is perceived as a whole person: he loves something, is happy about something, wants something.

Of course, even at 6-7 years old, children quarrel, fight, call each other “greedy” and “hooligans.” Of course, it is also important for them to demonstrate themselves and gain peer approval. But still, in these individual statements, in this naive desire to help each other, to do something pleasant, the sprouts of new relationships between children appear, in the center of which is no longer “I”, but “we”. These sprouts must be carefully supported by adults. So that this primitive childish “Look how good I am!” (which, alas, occurs not only among younger preschoolers) would not stifle interest in another and the desire to help him.

Of course, this is not easy to do.

The difficulty is that many features of human perception in children are associated with the fact that the child sees and feels only what is in front of his eyes, that is, the external behavior of another (and the troubles that this behavior can bring him). And it is difficult for them to imagine that behind this behavior there are the desires and moods of another. Adults should help children with this. It is necessary to expand the child’s ideas about a person, to take them beyond the perceived situation, to show another child from his “invisible”, inner side: what he loves, why he acts this way and not otherwise. The child himself, no matter how much he is in the company of his peers, will never discover their inner life, but will see in them only an opportunity for self-affirmation or a condition for his play.

But he will not be able to understand the inner life of another until he understands himself. This understanding of oneself can only come through an adult. By telling a child about other people, about their doubts, thoughts, decisions, reading books to him or discussing films, an adult reveals to the little person that behind every external action there is a decision or mood, that each person has his own inner life, that individual actions of people connected to each other. It is very useful to ask questions about the child himself and his motives and intentions: “Why did you do that?”, “How will you play?”, “Why do you need blocks?” etc. Even if the child cannot answer anything, it is very useful for him to think about it, connect his actions with the people around him, try to look into himself and explain his behavior: And when he feels that it is difficult, fun or anxious for him, he will be able to understand that the children around him are just like him, that they too are hurt and offended, they also want to be loved and taken care of. And maybe Seryozha will stop being “greedy” because he wants a truck, and Marinka will no longer be “nasty” because she wants to play in her own way.

Other publications on the topic of this article:

Stages of communication: from one year to six. M.: INTOR, 1996.

Despite the fact that children need each other, they are verythey often quarrel. Here's a typical case.

How Anya and Marina played

Five-year-old Anya did not go to kindergarten. She stayed at home with her beloved mother. She had been looking forward to this day so much, she wanted so much to be at home, but now she was unbearably bored. She walks around the rooms, moves toys from one place to another, looks out the window and doesn’t know what to do. Mom has already read her a fairy tale, played with her, but something is still missing.

- Mom, can I go get Marina and call her?

- Well, of course you can.

Ten minutes later, the girls are already starting to play with enthusiasm: “This is our table, this is my stove, I will cook dinner...” It’s no longer boring at all, and on the contrary, it’s very fun. This goes on for about half an hour. And suddenly angry screams are heard from the children's room:

– You’re putting it in the wrong place, you’re doing it wrong, look!

- Let me go, I’ll do it myself!

- Give it back, it's mine!

- Go away, you ruined everything! You broke everything!

- Okay, I’ll leave, Anya, but I’ll never come again!

- Well, don’t come, I’m not friends with you anymore!

The door slams, Anya sobs. But after half an hour it becomes boring again and again something is missing.

- Mom, can I go get Marina?

Ten minutes later the girls are already playing together, and everything is repeated all over again.

Why is this happening? Children are very drawn to each other and have an urgent need for a peer, but these children's contacts often end in quarrels and even tears.

To understand complex childhood relationships, you need to try to understand how young children perceive and understand each other. Let's listen to the conversation of two little friends.

Conversation between Anya and Marina

– My doll has a beautiful dress!

- And my mother bought me slippers, look!

- And my doll is better than yours, I braid her hair.

- And I tie my bows. I already know how to tie bows.

– And I can draw a princess with bows...

What's going on here? It looks like the girls are playing. But have you noticed that in each of their phrases there must be in the center me: I have there is, I can, I do, etc. Children seem to brag to each other about their skills, merits, and property.It is more important for them not just to have all their virtues with them, but to demonstrate to their peers,and in such a way as to surpass your partner in at least something (or better yet, in everything). A new toy that cannot be shown to anyone loses half of its appeal. Why is this so important to them?

A small child needs confidence that he is noticed, that he is the best, the most beloved.This confidence reflects the attitude of parents towards him, for whom their own child is always the best (especially while he is small). While the baby is at home, he does not need to prove to mom and dad that he is the best. But as soon as he finds himself among children, this truth ceases to be so obvious. And the child has to prove his right to uniqueness and superiority. The most obvious and easiest way to do this iscomparing yourself with someone who plays next to you and who is so similar to you.True, when comparing themselves with others, young children are very subjective. Their main task is to prove their superiority, and for this they resort to a variety of arguments: slippers, dolls, and bows are suitable here. But behind all this is: “Look how good I am!”

Why then do you need a peer? It is needed in order to have someone to compare yourself with (otherwise how can you show that you are better than everyone), in order to have someone to show your merits and express your admiration for them.

It turns out that young children see themselves in others first of all - an attitude towards themselves and an object for comparison with themselves. And the peer himself (his interests, actions, qualities) seems to be completely unnoticed. Or rather, it is noticed, but only when it begins to interfere, when another child does not behave as one would like. And immediately these qualities of a peer receive a harsh and unambiguous assessment: “Don’t push, you fool,” “You’re disgusting greedy,” “You’re doing everything wrong.”

Children reward each other with similar epithets based on even the most harmless actions. If you don’t give me a toy, it means you’re greedy; if you don’t do it the way I do, it means it’s wrong. Children openly and directly communicate all these discontents to their little comrade. But a comrade needs something completely different! He also needsrecognition, approval, praise!

This is the first cause of children's conflicts. Every child needs a good peer relationship. But he cannot understand that his peer needs the same thing. Praising and approving another child turns out to be very difficult for preschoolers. It is much easier to express dissatisfaction and scold.Feeling the need for recognition and admiration from others, children themselves do not know how and do not want to express approval to others, their peers.

But why does this happen? Why do children not notice other people's virtues and emphasize only negative traits in the behavior of other children? The fact is that preschoolers see and perceive only the external pattern of another’s behavior, only its visible, tangible result. They see other children pushing, screaming, and taking toys. But it is still difficult for them to understand that behind all this there is another person with his own inner world, interests, desires, preferences. It is also difficult because children are still poorly aware of their own inner world. Preschoolers, as a rule, do not know why and why they do something. But if a person is not aware of his experiences, intentions, interests, then how can he imagine their existence in others? And this is another reason for frequent quarrels and conflicts between children:inability to understand the inner life of another person.

When and how does this most important human ability develop? How do children begin to understand themselves and others?

Of course, this is very difficult to find out. Questions about the motivation of actions (“Why did you (or he) do that?”) are too difficult for a small child. How can we make it easier for children to understand their own inner life and understand others? How to help a child look at himself and at others as if from the outside, without disturbing or destroying the natural activities and interactions of children? ; To do this, we came up with this situation.

Experiment

We invited two children to play together for 20-30 minutes. In the room there were pencils, cubes, cars, in general, everything necessary for the game.

Naturally, the children began to play, and immediately different kinds of relationships arose between them: either they began to build a house together, or someone broke this house, and his partner scolded him for it. In a word, everything was as it always is when children play. Except that all these disputes, explanations and accusations were recorded on tape. (The children had no idea about this.)

After the children returned to their friends on the street, the adult called one of them over and gave them a tape recording to listen to. Needless to say, how strange, surprising and interesting it was, even for a modern child, already familiar with a tape recorder, to hear his own voice. He usually recognized himself and his partner. He recognized him not even by the timbre of his voice, but by the content of those statements, which he, of course, remembered when listening. And when the whole picture of his communication with his friend was in front of him and he could perceive it from the outside, without being included in it entirely, he could begin the “work” of understanding his behavior and the behavior of the other.

To do this, the adult chose some characteristic fragment of the children’s interaction and asked questions like: “What did you do here? How did you do it? Why did you do it (or say it)? Why did you do it (say it)?” Exactly the same questions were asked to the second child. How did preschoolers behave in such an unusual situation for them?

Sasha and Seryozha, while playing in the room, could not share the truck with a lifting body: they both wanted to take possession of it. They argued for a long time, justifying their rights to the desired car and not wanting to give in to each other. In the end, Seryozha finally gave the car to Sasha, and he started working on the cubes.

We let Sasha listen to this piece of their dialogue and began asking him insidious questions:

– What were you and Seryozha doing (during this conversation)?

- Were playing.

- How did you play?

- Just to the cars. I needed a truck, but he wouldn’t give me one.

- Why did you need a truck?

“I wanted it, but he didn’t give it to me.”

- But why do you need a truck?

– (After a long silence) I wanted to play with him.

- Why do you think Seryozha didn’t give it?

– (Long tense silence) I didn’t want to and didn’t give... I didn’t want to. I wanted to, but he didn't want to.

The fact that this truck is new, that its body lifts up and therefore is more attractive than all other cars, that Seryozha, like him, Sasha, wants to play with this particular toy, because it’s interesting to play with it - all this seems to pass by Sasha's consciousness. The only important thing is that Seryozha did not want to give him the car. Serezha’s desires and interests seem to not exist for Sasha. There is only the fact that Seryozha did not give him what he needed. But can Sasha somehow explain the actions of her partner? To find out this, the adult asks Sasha the following question: “Why do you think Seryozha gave you this truck?” This question prompts the boy not to think, but to take action. Saying “Wait, I’ll find out now,” he goes to the window, leans out onto the street where the children are walking, and shouts: “Seryozha, why did you give me a truck?” Seryozha shrugs. “He doesn’t know,” Sasha confidently tells the adult.

“But I’m asking you, why do you think he did that?”

“He doesn’t know,” Sasha repeats, “how can I know if he doesn’t know...

Sasha does not even allow the thought that he himself can guess or even think about what motivated his comrade’s actions. He cannot say anything definite about his motives, other than “wanted” or “didn’t want.”

Sasha and Seryozha are still small. They are both almost four years old. Of course, an adult's questions about the motives of their behavior are too difficult for them. But still, even small children are not left indifferent to these questions. Some three- to four-year-old children, without answering right away, continue to think about it and then, after a while, approach an adult and say: “I was angry because he broke my house” or “I stopped drawing because Lena was pushing.” These “thoughtful” messages are already the first step towards self-awareness. They mean that one’s actions and the behavior of another cease to be a set of random movements. Individual actions and states begin to be linked into a single chain. He destroyed the house, so I got angry. She was pushing so I couldn't draw. Of course, this chain is still very short. But what is characteristic is that the child sees the motive for his action primarily in the actions of another - his peer. Not in oneself and not in surrounding objects, but in another person. True, at first it looks more like a complaint - someone is pushing, disturbing. But in relation to the child himself, the actions of another act as the cause of his own actions, states, and moods. Even small children (four years old) can trace the dependence of their own actions on the actions of their partner: “I saw Lesha drawing, and I began to draw myself.” And when a child can see in a peer the reason for his own actions, he can already consider his own actions (and therefore himself) as a reason for the actions of another: “I showed her how to comb her doll’s hair, so she began to comb her hair.” These are simple conclusions. But an adult’s questions make children think about why their friends do certain things. These reflections lead to the child understanding: behind the various actions of another child there is some reason, a reason, and such a reason may be himself.

At about five years old, children begin to clearly understand that they need each other. Of course, the need to communicate with a peer appears earlier, but younger preschoolers, oddly enough, do not realize this - they are simply drawn to other children. But at the age of five, children are already confident that it is better to play together. This desire to be together becomes a typical explanation for their own behavior and the behavior of their partner. For example, to the question: “Why did you start carrying cubes?” - Vova confidently answers: “Because Kolya and I built a house together.”

It must be said that by five or six years of age, conflicts and quarrels become fewer. It is no longer so important for children to establish themselves in the eyes of their peers. It is much more important to play together to make a good game, a big house made of blocks or a beautiful room for dolls. And it doesn’t really matter who built this house. The main thing is to do it together. This turn is also manifested in the fact that from I they move to the unifying we. More and more often they talk about themselves from the position of “we”: we are playing, it didn’t work out for us, we will go, etc.

In addition to this clear, conscious desire of children to be together in preschool age, an interest in another and a desire to do something for him arises, which do not depend on their common activity. In general, interest in a peer appears in individual statements of children even at three or four years old. But at first, children perceive each other only in momentary manifestations, only “here and now.” Therefore, they are only interested in their peers by how they attract attention to themselves: what he has and what he does. "Show me what You got"; “Did you build this yourself?”; "What do you play?"

Outwardly, this is still very similar to the conversation between two friends, which we cited above. But essentially this is completely different. Behind these questions is not a desire to brag, not to demonstrate oneself, but an interest in another, and therefore an understanding that another child may have his own activities, games and they are no worse or better than yours, they are just different. But behind these other activities and subjects, children do not yet see another person.

Only by the age of six or seven can children begin to see an interest in the personality of a peer that is not related to his specific actions.

Children take care of each other

-Are you hurt? Aren't you in pain?

- Do you miss your mom?

– Would you like to bite into an apple?

- Do you like cartoons?

– Do you like transformers?

For all the naivety and simplicity of these questions, they no longer contain only interest in the activities or property of a peer, but attention to the child himself and even care for him. The relationship to each other is already visible here. A peer is now not only an object for comparison with oneself and not only a partner in an exciting game, but a valuable and significant human personality with his own experiences and preferences.

For older preschoolers, another increasingly becomes the target of their actions. They can do something specifically for a friend and understand this.

Children want to make each other happy

“I wanted to help him, so I started building with him.”

“I wanted her to quickly draw a good vase, and I started looking for sharp pencils for her.”

It is very important that children think not only about how to help another in his specific activities, but also about his mood and desires. They sincerely want to bring each other joy and pleasure:

“I grunted so much because I wanted to make Olya laugh.”

“I drew this drawing so that Sveta would be happy when I gave it to her.”

– I started playing in the store, because Lena loves to play in the store most of all.

In all these explanations, the other child is no longer a collection of random and unwanted actions. He is a person: he loves something, is happy about something, wants something.

Of course, even at six or seven years old, children quarrel, fight, call each other “greedy” and “hooligans.” Of course, it is important for them to demonstrate themselves and gain peer approval. But still, in these individual statements, in this naive desire to help each other, to do something pleasant for the other, the sprouts of new relationships between children are visible, the center of which is no longer me, but you. These sprouts must be carefully nurtured and maintained by adults so that they do not wither. To the primitive childish “Look how good I am!” didn't strangleinterest in another and a desire to help him.

Preschool age is just the beginning of relationships with people. It is still possible for a child to discover another person not as a rival and competitor, but as a valuable, interesting person with his own joys and difficulties. This should be done primarily by adults.

Your teenagers are a mess. They have good friendly relations, and will undoubtedly go through life side by side, supporting and protecting each other.

It's a perfect picture, isn't it? What if in real life your home resembles a battle arena where the combatants are kids?

Competition for parental attention

It always seems to a child that he is loved much less than other children. If kids are vying for your attention, then one of them, the “favorite,” can get out of hand and show his superiority. And the other kid, will be very worried about the lack of attention, will try to earn your praise - with good behavior, school grades. But in the soul there will be resentment of the “disliked” baby.

Advice for the future: Give each child the same amount of attention, constantly praise, criticize and punish each one equally.

Sibling rivalry

I think you've already seen adult children who compete with each other all their lives. One graduated from school with a medal, and the other, with an eye on her, is trying to study well. One is building a career, and the other is not lagging behind, maybe even overtaking. Children's competition is a natural positive incentive to achieve great success in life.

It is necessary and possible to have constructive competition only if it does not cross the boundaries of what is permitted. If relations are heating up, try to cool down the ardor of your rivals. In some situations you will need help choosing your path in life, in others you need to go to a child psychologist.

Advice for the future: Do not create artificial rivalry, for example, “take example from Katya, she is an excellent student,” never compare or reproach your children.

Girl boy

The smaller the age difference between children, the more serious the confrontation can be. The girl gets bruises and then develops a plan for revenge, the boy shows personal physical superiority and does not feel any guilt.

Advice for the future: The relationship between sister and brother is, first of all, the relationship between a woman and a man. It is within your power as a parent to teach the boy to protect and respect the girl who is next to him. It is within your parental power to teach a girl to be a woman who is not afraid of male care and knows that she can rely on a man at any time.

Junior - senior

The younger ones constantly get bumps from the older ones.

Don't worry, have patience and wait for the eldest to grow up. At the same time, make sure that he has the right upbringing. He will grow up, and the need for contempt for the younger one will disappear.

Advice for the future: explain to your elder that he can help you with your upbringing. And you will certainly turn him into a good teacher for the younger one. For example, he can check homework.

Types of scandals

1.Performance. Many children's quarrels are just fictitious performances. Their goal is to get a lot of attention. They arise at a moment of boredom or when you want to distract your parents from the computer or TV. You can act out performances as part of a game - akin to the characters in TV series.

The kids are trying to involve a large number of people in the performance. There is no need for parents to strictly punish their children for such scandals, and if your head can no longer stand it, it’s easier to go to your neighbor for tea. Without parental attention, the performance will soon stop.

2.Aggression. The fun is over, which means it's time to end the quarrel. It is not uncommon for children to show cruelty or a desire to hurt their sister or brother as much as possible.

3. Quarrel as a method of communication. Teenagers not only quarrel, but it seems that they have forgotten how to speak normally to each other. Ridicule, kicking, cruel jokes, reproaches, criticism have become a method of communication, and no joint entertainment unites them.

In such situations, the reason must be sought in your own family. Pay attention to your parental attitude, your attitude towards neighbors and friends. If you fail to change the situation yourself, go for a consultation with a family psychologist.

Tips for parents:

1. In a family where adults enjoy great authority, there are no serious quarrels between children. What does it mean to be an authority? Understand and respect the child's point of view and be fair in making decisions. Did they promise to punish you for the fight? Do it! But never raise your hand to children.
2. There will be much less resentment if children have their own space - a personal shelf for books, a personal box with a lock and a personal closet. Most often, the children who scatter to the sides are those who had common children's toys and similar clothes.
3. Some scandals don't need to get involved. If the reason is rivalry, then it is wiser to say that it hurts you to look at it, but teenagers should figure it out themselves.
4. In the presence of a sister or brother, you cannot scold an offending child.
5. Playing games together is a great and easy way to solve the problem. A psychological moment that needs to be accepted in life - touch each other affectionately and tenderly or hug more often.
6. Never compare your children.
7. Give equal attention to your children at all times.
8. Don't force teenagers to ask for forgiveness after a scandal.
9. Look only for the positive in regards to your sister and brother. Instead of “You are like a cat and a dog.”
10. Take care of your nerves. In the family, children learn not only to help and love, but also to conflict and argue.

Almost all children, due to their lack of experience, do not know how to resolve conflicts without tears, screams and threats. Any difficulty that arises, which seems insignificant to adults, in the eyes of a child represents a huge problem. So that children can learn to manage their feelings and competently defend their views without infringing on the interests of others, parents should help them form the right principles of life.

Most often, conflicts between children occur in those families where parents use the method of quarrels, arguments and shouting as the main way to solve problems. The child very quickly adopts the behavior of his parents and tries in the same way to defend his point of view in relations with his brother or sister. At the same time, he does not take parental reproaches and comments seriously, since the image of his father and mother, vigorously sorting out their relationship, is firmly imprinted in his memory. The only correct way out of this situation will be a frank conversation between parents and children, during which adults must admit that their behavior is wrong and promise to improve. In this case, a positive parental example will be the main incentive for the child to reconsider his habits and beliefs. The tradition of peaceful resolution of all conflict situations should become a family one.

Situations often arise when parents pay more attention to one of the children. This may be due to the child's age, special academic achievements, or health problems. In this case, the other child, feeling jealous, begins to behave rudely, constantly challenging his parents and his brother or sister to conflict. In this situation, parents should not scold or appeal to the conscience of the protesting family member, as this may lead to the opposite result. Adults should show warmth and attention to this child, explaining that they love all the children in their family equally. Of course, the spoken words must be confirmed by actions and try not to deprive the jealous child of attention in the future.

Screams and insults of a child from parents demonstrate their weakness and inability to keep the situation under control. A firm, calm and confident tone of voice of an adult will help to quickly and effectively resolve any conflict in the family.

When children fight among themselves, parents should not immediately intervene in the quarrel. There is a high probability that young participants in the dispute will be able to resolve the issue themselves and thereby gain important experience in solving similar problems. If the conflict nevertheless goes beyond the scope of constructive communication, parents should separate and calm the children, and then begin to clarify the situation. There is no need to try to determine the culprit, as this will only lead to self-justification of the conflict participants. You should listen to each child individually, without judging or justifying anyone, and then help those quarreling to agree and find a solution beneficial to both. An appropriate joke or a funny story about a similar incident in the life of your parents will help defuse the situation.

It is also of great importance to create a special environment in the family, which will prevent the development of conflict situations and reduce their number. It is very useful in this matter to organize an individual corner in the house for each child. This will help teach children to respect the personal space of others. Parents' attitude towards children should be the same, regardless of their age. Then the younger child will know that he will definitely receive a fair punishment for his misdeeds, and the older child will not feel disadvantaged and unloved. Toys bought for children should be of approximately the same value. An excellent option would be to purchase board games that will help develop in your child the ability to behave correctly in case of loss and victory. Joint hikes and family holidays will also help bring all family members together and increase the feeling of affection for each other.

As practice shows, what is important for a child in a difficult situation is not words of consolation, but the realization that his parents understand and share the feelings he is experiencing. Sometimes, to achieve a positive result, adults simply need to listen carefully to their children, giving them the opportunity to speak out. Surprisingly, after this, the children themselves find a way out of the difficulties that arise.

Of course, conflicts between children in the family will happen more than once. This is a characteristic feature of childhood and it is unlikely that you will be able to get rid of it. The correct behavior of parents at the time of quarrels and disagreements will help to develop in children responsibility and a desire to find compromises.

Children are quarreling: what to do? How to prevent children's quarrels and how to find a way out of them? Advice from a child psychologist.

Today we continue to answer your questions and discuss the topic of children's quarrels and childhood jealousy, problems with children's behavior and ways to successfully interact with them.

Our guest is one of the authors of our project - the Creative Internet Workshop of educational games “Through the game - to success!” — Barinova Natalya. Those who attended our Workshop in April remember Natalya Mikhailovna from her “good games” for children and mothers. And those who joined us recently - let me introduce you :). Natalia:

• editor of the magazine "Children's Question" detskiyvopros.ru,
• practicing child psychologist,
• Head of the psychological department of the Center for Natural Development and Child Health,
• laureate of the Moscow Grant award in the field of education,
• winner of the competition “Teacher-Psychologist of Russia - 2009”,
• teacher of child psychology at the university.

I give the floor to Natalya.

Children are quarreling: what to do?

In every family, people want to live in peace, happiness and prosperity, but, unfortunately, this does not always work out that way. Psychologists like to repeat that only indifferent people do not quarrel. And the children in the family, of course, quarrel.

The reasons for quarrels can be different, let’s look at the most common ones:

1. Jealousy
2. Features of children's temperament
3. Snitching
4. Fight for property
5. Competitive situations

How to prevent children's quarrels and find a way out of the situation?

The first reason for quarrels is jealousy between children.

What to do with the first reason - jealousy between children? We covered this issue in the previous article, but we did not touch upon an important aspect when, on the contrary, the younger child is jealous of the older one.

What is important to know?

First. Here it is very important to literally “protect” the elder from the younger, since younger children quickly learn to manipulate adults, to extract all the benefits from their smallness.

Second. It is also important to involve both parents in the children, and not to separate them, for example, the youngest is always with mom, and the eldest is always with dad. This can lead to aggressive behavior in the baby in a hidden struggle for the father's attention.

The second reason for children's quarrels is the characteristics of children's temperament.

We must immediately understand that temperament cannot be corrected. Well, you can’t make a hustler out of a hustler and vice versa! It is especially difficult if the older child is peaceful and quiet, and the younger child is a “fighter” - there will be a lot of quarrels.

If there are more than two children, then they can more easily endure temperamental conflicts, because they have the opportunity to switch to other brothers or sisters. Here the main burden in preventing quarrels will belong to the parents - they are adults, they understand that children are different, they know how to support one, and vice versa, to cool the other.

Here, for example, is how my client (mother of seven children) reassured the children: To the eldest - “I appreciate your peaceful nature, I admire your patience”, then to the second son - “I won’t let you make noise at your brother - if you want to make noise - go vacuum - vacuum cleaner That’s how noisy!”

The third reason for quarrels between children is sneaking.

“But he’s not sleeping,” “but she broke the cup,” and so on. Of course, they are offended by the sneak; he may “get it” from someone else. However, this phenomenon must be dealt with extremely carefully. On the one hand, you shouldn’t let the snitch rejoice at your brother or sister’s mistakes; on the other hand, you need to show him that following the rules in the family is very important to you. After all, by imposing a complete ban on complaining about a brother or sister, you leave the child alone with resentment or with a feeling of trampled justice or with the feeling that “you can behave badly when no one knows.” In order not to lose the trust of your children, you need to be patient and calmly “settle” children’s complaints one by one.

What should I do? Case from practice - mom behaved correctly:

Anya, 5 years old: “And Olya stuck out her tongue!”

Mom: “Do you think it’s okay to do this?”

Anya: “No, only bad people do that!”

Mom: “It’s not good to show your tongue, that’s true, our Olya is not bad, but she didn’t do the right thing. I get upset when children tease. Are you upset?”

Anya: “Yes!”

Mom - Ole: “Olya, we are upset!”

The fourth reason for children's quarrels is the fight for property.

“This is my car” - slap on the head! “And I gave you a bite of the apple!” - clap in response! Or: “Olya took my tights again (book, notebook...)” Or “This is my bed! Get your ass off her!”

Is this a familiar picture?

What to do in this case and how to prevent children's quarrels?

The fifth reason is competitive situations.

Competitive situations arise spontaneously, and parents do not have the opportunity to constantly intervene in these conflicts. This is the order in the game, who will be the first to use the bathroom or press the elevator button and much more. Therefore, it is extremely important in these cases to teach children to resolve such conflicts on their own.

What to do in case of a competitive situation, or three methods to help parents and teachers.

There are only three methods: sequence, counting and lot!

Sequence.

Sequence appointed by an adult. Some schedules can even be drawn up in a visual form - who washes the dishes when, who goes to the bathroom first, etc.

Counting book.

Counting book- a universal remedy. Here are my favorites:

Mak-mak, cornflower,
Leads a yellow flower.
One two Three -
You drive with him too!

Yesterday I flew in a rocket

I was on a distant planet,
I dined there in the blue,
And in the evening I was in Moscow.
From that rocket, friends,
I was the first to leave.

One two three four.

Let's count the holes in the cheese.
If the cheese has a lot of holes,
This means the cheese will be delicious.
If there is one hole in it,
So it was delicious yesterday.

One two Three,
Four five -
You should fly into space!

Lot. Games to determine the lot.

Option 1. Sticks.

You can also choose the driver or who should start the game using a lot: you need to take several sticks (their number must correspond to the number of players). One stick breaks off, then one of the participants takes all the sticks in his hand so that only the same ends are visible. Players draw one at a time. The person who gets the short stick leads. Instead of sticks, you can use strips of paper.

Option 2. Rock – paper – scissors.

You can also set the order of the game using the rock-paper-scissors game.

The game uses three figures with hands:

1. The stone is a hand clenched into a fist.
2. Scissors - the index and middle fingers are straightened, the rest are tucked into the palm.
3. Paper - all fingers are straightened.

Rules of the game:

1. On the count of three (One, two, THREE!): players show one of three pieces (rock, scissors or paper).
2. The winner is determined according to the following principles:

• Paper conquers stone (paper covers stone)
• Scissors beat paper (scissors cut paper)
• Rock beats scissors (scissors break on rock)

1. If the players show the same pieces, then the game is considered a draw and the game is replayed. Do this until there is only one winner left.

Option 3. Arrow.

How to play?

• One player is an arrow. Another player is the clock.
• The player - the arrow - stands in the center of the room. The clock player closes his eyes (he should not see what will happen). Those from whom we choose the driver, the first player, etc. stand around the arrow.
• The clock player commands: “Tick-tock” and the arrow begins to rotate clockwise. Then the clock says - “strikes”: “BOM!” And the arrow stops. Whoever she settled on was the one who got the lot.

Children's quarrels inevitable. The main thing is to know effective ways to interact with children and learn to find ways out of these situations together with the children. We wish you peace and harmony in your families.

Continuation of the article — a collection of games to help strengthen friendships and reduce aggression in children – You will find in the article

Poems - peace books for children you will find in the article

30 interesting games for developing communication are waiting for you in the article

I understand that many readers of this article may have very personal questions for the author, therefore, in agreement with Natalya, I provide her contact information at the end of the article.

Contacts:

The telephone number of the center where Natalya receives parents and children is 8-495-229-44-10

Mail [email protected]

skype natali020570

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