If he doesn’t hit you, it means he doesn’t love you. Between us, psychologists. “Does he hit you mean he loves you?” Where did the saying “hitting means loving” come from and why this is not so

Where did the phrase “hitting means loving” come from?

Beating (causing bodily harm), especially in the family, no matter from whose side (to be honest, some women of low culture raise their hands against their husbands, especially in hysterics), in Orthodoxy, as a sin, is equated to murder. Because physical violence is an extreme manifestation of anger. Don't let it happen! Beating according to plan for educational purposes (especially children) is tantamount to a complete lack of pedagogical abilities, i.e. ability to persuade. Usually such parents have no arguments or are untenable as individuals. In general, any physical violence is a manifestation of unlove, disrespect, and an attempt to suppress. What kind of love can we talk about? Where did the expression come from? Perhaps an attempt to explain the assault as jealousy.

Interest Ask. Good evening!

For example, in Dahl’s dictionary you can read proverbs that are close in meaning to this expression. For example: Whoever loves someone, he beats him, Whoever I love, I hit him, My dear one hits him, he adds more body, My dear one beats him, he only amuses him, If he doesn’t love him, it means he doesn’t hit him. In general, this is a folk story; there is no authorship as such. Why did it appear? In those days it was normal, they beat you so that you would obey, so you would be afraid. The man was the head and the fact that the wife obeyed him was a mandatory action in the family. In our age this is strange and perhaps difficult to understand. Now this is gone, only the saying itself remains. The husband was like a father. The word is the law. And he beat me for prevention, like some parents (we know such people). Women's rights were generally diminished. As far as I remember, they were not allowed to vote in any election and they were not immediately given the right to study. I wonder if the Answers project existed in that century, would women be allowed there?)))) Although even now, in our century, you can meet a couple where the husband lays his hand on his wife. And I don’t think there is a clear reason. More often - problems with the psyche. He can hit both when he loves and when he doesn’t love. People are different. But, in any case, I AM AGAINST THIS!

This question can be answered unambiguously and accurately. The proverb If you hit, it means you love, originated in the 16th century. It is an interpretation of the teachings of the book Domostroy written by the priest Sylvester, specifically the words (quote) - teaching and punishing, and reasoning, inflicting wounds... Beating the body, delivering the soul from death...

The saying comes from the times when in Ancient Rus' men served in the army for 25 years. Dismissals were not common, but children were born. So, if the date of birth of the child did not coincide with the time of conception (when the soldier was on leave), then the husband had the right to kill wife for cheating. If a husband just beat his wife, that means he loves her.

out of desperation... you have to believe in something, covering up bruises in front of the mirror

I don't think this is right. You can't hit anyone, especially girls. If you hit him, sooner or later he might kill you...

The tradition of regularly beating your wife appeared in Rus' with the adoption of Christianity. In the pagan period, women were more equal members of society than in the Christian period. Until the 11th century, women remained under the protection of their close relatives (father and brothers), even if they got married. And they stood up for their beloved daughter and sister. This did not apply only to stolen or purchased wives, who existed as slaves in their spouses' families.

Women who entered into marriage by their own consent or by agreement between their parents had many rights. They could even “get a divorce” - leave their husband if they were not satisfied with the marriage. The role of women was also reflected in the presence of female deities: Lada - the goddess of love and marriage, Makosh - the goddess of spinning, women in labor - divine messengers who determined the fate of the child at birth.

After the baptism of Rus'

Along with baptism, Rus' also adopted a new morality, which had the most unfavorable effect on the fate of Russian women. With the adoption of monotheism and the establishment of the dominant role of men, a woman in the family began to be perceived as a somewhat inferior being, unreasonable, like a child. The husband had to literally take care of his wife, take care of her morality and the “salvation of her soul.”

This care had to be expressed in severity and regular beatings. Children were raised in a similar way. In many ways, this stereotype of behavior was instilled by the clergy, who in the Middle Ages saw in a woman the root of all evil, a devilish temptation and a source of evil spirits. To prevent a woman’s soul from going to hell, the husband was simply obliged to regularly “instruct” her in “beating.”

Corporal punishment was considered a kind of preventive work. They had to knock out of a woman all those vices with which she, by definition, was endowed from birth. If a man beat his wife, it means he cared about saving her soul from hellfire. The women themselves learned this lesson so well that the absence of beatings was perceived as a sign of a lack of husband’s love and care. Such laws of family life were reflected in the famous literary monument “Domostroy”.

How to beat your wife

“Domostroy” was created by unknown authors approximately in the 15th-16th centuries in the Novgorod Republic. According to Alexander Sergeevich Orlov, Sergei Mikhailovich Solovyov and other Russian literary scholars and historians who studied this document, “Domostroy” was the result of the work of many priests, “teachers of the people,” and at the same time the quintessence of the moral norms of society of that period.

In this document, more than one chapter is devoted to the matter of “raising a wife.” An anonymous adviser teaches respectable men how to beat their wife correctly so as not to seriously injure her. A man was not recommended to hit a woman in the eyes, ears and other important parts of the body, so as not to cripple his wife. Also, heavy and especially metal objects should not be used for “education”, since all this can lead to disability.

Physical education methods according to Domostroi were supposed to be applied not only to wives, but also to children, servants and careless workers. Regularly beating all these people - sometimes just like that, for preventive purposes - was the sacred duty of a man, as the head of a family. Thus, like a diligent shepherd, he cared for his “flock.”

Doesn't hit means he doesn't love

This is exactly how Russian women perceived a more loyal attitude towards themselves. Now this may seem strange and wild, but we must not forget that the woman was raised in a patriarchal society. Her whole life was regulated by the harsh laws of family and clan. The overwhelming majority of Russian women were uneducated and had a narrow outlook. They had no idea that there was any other way to live in a family. And there were no such examples.

If a woman happened - extremely rarely - to marry a foreigner, she quite naturally perceived the absence of beatings from her husband as a sign of his dislike. Over time, society has forgotten the original meaning of corporal punishment as a way of education “in the fear of God.” Men began to beat their wives simply out of jealousy or self-will. The worst thing is that women themselves still perceive this behavior as the norm and endure assault for years.

Psychologists' opinion

Traditions are very strong in Russian society. Even the wildest and most absurd ones. The memory of their ancestors dictates that Russian women must endure beatings in silence and not bring the problem to public attention. This is less accepted in intelligent families; more common in the lower strata of the population. In the latter, regular beatings can be aggravated by drunkenness and are often superimposed on other types of violence (moral, sexual).

No matter how women believe that “hitting means loving,” violence is only violence. Often, a degraded man continues to live with a long-unloved woman, and at the same time he also continues to beat her. There is no talk of any love in such families. In addition, in a huge number of cases, beatings end in murder. Every year, more than 10 thousand Russian women die at the hands of their husbands.

The fruits of such “love”

Children also suffer from domestic violence. Even without being direct victims of beatings, they grow up morally damaged. Psychologists call this deviation Stockholm syndrome. It is expressed in the inability of a person who was subjected to any kind of violence in childhood to resist it in adulthood. This also applies to situations where a child regularly observes his mother being beaten.

Beats means he loves. This dubious expression is on everyone's lips. But where did it come from? What gave you the basis to say or think like that?

Beats means loves, where did the expression come from? This saying has its roots in ancient Rus'. According to one version, the tradition of beating your woman arose when Christianity appeared. In paganism, women had equal rights with men, but in the Christian period this importance was downgraded.

Until the 21st century, all girls were protected by close relatives, and even after legal marriage. Fathers and brothers could cuff their husbands for beating their beloved ones. But if the wife was stolen or bought, then she had the status of a slave.

Women who entered into legal relationships of their own free will or with the consent of their parents had many rights. For example, they could well demand a divorce if they were not satisfied with the relationship. The role of a woman was to maintain love and marriage, spin yarn, give birth and feed children.

Is woman a devil's temptation?

After baptism in Rus', new rules appeared that significantly changed the fate of Russian women. After monotheism was adopted and the man became the head of the family, the other half began to be perceived as a kind of creature that had no reason and was inferior. The husband was given many rights; he had to take custody of his wife, monitor her morality and the salvation of her soul.

It was necessary to keep the woman under strict control and beat her regularly. The children were subjected to the same upbringing. The presence of such a stereotype of behavior was imposed by church ministers who believed that a woman is the root of evil, a devilish temptation and a source of evil spirits. To cleanse the wife’s soul, the husband was recommended to teach her as often as possible and at the same time beat her.

This kind of punishment was perceived as preventive work. Thanks to them, the woman was supposed to be freed from her vices, which she inherited at the time of birth. It was believed that when beating, the husband showed concern that his wife’s soul would be saved from suffering in hell. Women who have mastered this science began to believe that if a man does not beat his wife, it means that he does not pay due attention to her, and, accordingly, does not love her. These relationships are reflected in Domostroy, which is a famous literary monument.

"How to beat your wife"

This document contains many chapters devoted to exactly how to raise a wife. An anonymous adviser gives recommendations on how to beat a woman so that severe injuries are not caused. Thus, it was not recommended to hit the eyes, ears and other important bodily areas, which could lead to serious injuries. In addition, it was not recommended to use heavy and especially metal objects for the purpose of education, because as a result the wife could become crippled.

If you look through Domostroy, you will find that this kind of physical techniques were applied to children, servants and careless workers. All these people, according to the compilers of this work, should have been regularly beaten for the purpose of prevention; this was the responsibility of the man, since he was the head of the family. It was believed that by doing this he showed concern for his loved ones.

If he doesn’t beat you up, it means he’s fallen out of love

In this way, Russian women perceived a manifestation of loyalty towards themselves. Nowadays this sounds strange and wild, but previously the girl was raised in a society dominated by men. Her whole life was regulated by harsh laws in the family and clan. Most often, Russian women did not have any education. They had a narrow outlook.

Sometimes you look at a couple in love and are amazed at how idyllic they are. But six months pass, and the first quarrels begin. Sometimes it can even lead to a fight. But the woman clenches her teeth and says to herself (and sometimes out loud): “If you hit, it means you love.” Let's find out where this expression came from.

Origin story

When did the phrase “if you hit it mean you love” appear? Hard to tell. Like all phraseological units, folk expressions lose their roots in history. But there are records of the 16th century made by the priest Sylvester. In his book “Domostroy” he wrote: “Beating the body, delivering the soul from death...” But the complex church texts were not to the liking of the people. People paraphrased them into the expression “if he hits, it means he loves.” And I must say, this phraseological unit turned out to be tenacious. To this day you can hear it from the lips of women and men.

Is the phrase true?

Today the expression “you hit it means you love it” seems terrible to most of the population of our country. But to be honest, people are divided into two camps. Some people consider beatings a normal part of life and see nothing wrong with them.

Some men who do not know how to solve their problems in any other way than with their fists take advantage of the demonstration of their strength not only among their friends. At home, they also often show their wife who is in charge. But still, there are few such unbalanced people. No normal person would hit another without reason. Most often, men beat their wives out of jealousy. And yes, to some extent the phraseology is true. After all, beatings are inflicted in order to teach a lesson to a person, even a close one. Suffice it to remember how in Russian families children were beaten for misbehavior. And this was considered the norm, a way of learning.

Men's opinion

We understand where “hitting means loving” came from. Now let’s tell you what modern men think about this expression. There are very few individuals left who are able to raise a hand against a loved one. And it doesn’t matter who it is - his wife or his own child. Over many centuries, men have found a way to restrain their aggression and not show it unnecessarily. Today, the chance that a husband will be rude to his wife is much higher than the chance that he will beat her. But you need to understand that words sometimes hurt more than fists.

Women's opinion

Surprisingly, the fairer sex today believes in the expression “hitting means loving” more than men. A woman wants her husband to pay attention to her, but how this attention will be shown is not so important. If a man is affectionate and gentle, that’s good, but if he’s rude and arrogant, that’s also normal. Some women are so sure that all men are like that that it doesn’t even occur to them to moderate the ardor of their lover.

All this happens because many women grew up without fathers and did not see normal family relationships. When a girl gets married, she does not know what normal family life is like. She studies it from books and films. And there, often, to show who is boss in the house, a man uses his fists. And girls even find it strange when her husband doesn’t try to dominate her. Particularly sophisticated ladies sometimes even force men to treat them rudely, thereby pushing them towards domestic violence.

Experts' opinion

Psychotherapists believe that the saying “hitting means loving” is quite true. People in relationships become dependent on each other. They begin to fear that one of them will find a better partner. At first, people try to bind each other with care and affection. And then, when the love passes, the stage of retaining the partner begins with the help of threats and beatings. Moreover, it is not so rare that a woman, and not a man, is the aggressor. It's no secret that in a relationship, usually one person loves more, and the other accepts advances. So, some naively think that this is noticeable only to others. Nothing like this. A person who does not receive enough love understands the current situation perfectly. And it is precisely from the lack of reciprocity that jealousy and threats begin.

Why do men hit?

There are several reasons for aggressive behavior. Some individuals sincerely believe in the saying “if you hit, it means you love,” but most men still make excuses for this; the reasons are hidden much deeper.

• Jealousy. One of the main reasons for beatings is simple jealousy. Men see that their rival is smarter/prettier/richer, and they try with all their might to protect the woman they love from communicating with their rival.
• Public humiliation. When a woman publicly ridicules her husband's failures, this can provoke conflict. The hurt pride immediately reacts, and the man, using force, tries to show that he is not such a loser as they say about him.
• The woman is drunk. In an inadequate state, ladies can behave very relaxed even in a crowded place. Some men try to reason with their wife through physical force.

Why do women endure?

Over time, a habit is developed for everything - both bad and good. If he smokes or resolves disputes with his fists, this is only annoying at first. If a woman learns to tolerate it, gradually she will even stop noticing it. Under no circumstances should this be allowed. If a man hits you once, it can still be attributed to an accident, but if aggressive actions are repeated, you urgently need to run away from such an arrogant man.

A woman can endure not only out of habit. Some representatives of the fair sex have such low self-esteem that they believe that they simply cannot find anyone better. And some women love to be pitied so much that they try with all their might to bring misfortune upon themselves, including the wrath of their husband. Moreover, they will drive the man crazy periodically, so that the beatings are repeated, and the pity for them from friends and relatives only increases.

How not to let your relationship end in a fight

People say: “Hitting means loving,” but this is not true. How to establish normal relationships, without aggression from anyone?

• You need to be able to listen to each other. Any problem can be solved peacefully if you do not interrupt your opponent and give him a chance to speak. By bringing logical arguments, you can resolve any issue.
• Don't underestimate other people's self-esteem. A reasonable person will never become jealous of his partner if he is confident in the sincerity of his feelings.
• You shouldn't wash dirty linen in public. If there are any problems, you should discuss them in private, not in public.

How to improve relationships?

Why was it believed in Rus': hitting means loving? People thought that the only way to teach another person was through corporal punishment. They said that this way any knowledge is better absorbed. That is why men beat women for offenses, and women, in turn, beat children. It was a vicious circle that no one wanted to leave. Modern people do not believe in the benefit of the assault method. To maintain a good relationship, there is no need to beat your significant other. What should be done?

• Make you happy with all sorts of little things. This could be an unplanned trip to the cinema or a delicious dinner prepared for no reason. It is thanks to signs of attention shown just like that that a person understands the depth of his partner’s feelings.
• Be able to support. All people have troubles at work or misunderstandings with friends. So, the wife should always be on her husband’s side, and vice versa. If you take the opposite position, your significant other will feel lonely. So support and moral assistance are sometimes simply irreplaceable.
• Be able to forgive. We all yell at people we love from time to time. And sometimes they are absolutely not to blame for this. You need to understand the true reasons for such breakdowns and not be offended.
• Find common interests. If people are engaged in a common activity in their free time, then they will have less chance of quarreling, and even more so of fighting.

Where did the expression come from: “A husband hits, that means he loves”? and got the best answer

Answer from Victoria Kurilova[guru]
The well-known Domostroy, in my opinion, is a cultural phenomenon to a greater extent than just a literary monument: it clearly and clearly articulates the “proper” attitude towards a woman and her place in society. The status of the head of the family gave a man the right of ownership not only to the entire household, but also to women, who were essentially equated to things (which, by the way, is illustrated in the idea of ​​​​a dowry: a woman, along with other things, passes into the possession of her husband, seeming to get lost among these things , becoming the same thing.) There were also “instructions” on how men should “teach” women: “Don’t hit her in the face, otherwise you won’t be able to appear with her in public”; “Don’t hit her on the stomach when she’s pregnant” ; “It is better to teach a wife with a whip, because it is more painful: this way she will learn the lesson better” (5). Since that time, since the 16th century, the (in my opinion, most monstrous) saying has spread: “Beating means he loves,” which is also found to this day.
Not only beatings, but also humiliation of a wife by her husband were firmly established in Russian culture as a natural way of family life; The symbolism of Russian wedding customs illustrates this. (Rite of taking off shoes: before the newlyweds went to bed, the groom put money in one of his boots, and the bride had to take off one boot of her choice. If she managed to remove the boot with money, she received it and from now on was not obliged to take it off husband's boots. If the bride got into trouble, then she not only lost money, but was also given the responsibility to constantly remove her husband's boots.
The term “domestic violence” appeared much later than the well-known saying “hitting means loving.” In general, folk wisdom categorically justifies the abuse of the stronger spouse (husband) over the weaker spouse (wife) and condemns the intervention of outsiders in such conflicts. “He hits - it means he loves”, “darlings scold - they only amuse themselves”, “don’t interfere between husband and wife”... Perhaps this is one of the few cases when you should not refer to folk wisdom.
In order not to console themselves with the proverb “hitting means loving” all their lives, when choosing a future husband, girls should take into account the theory promulgated by Canadian scientists who revealed a direct relationship between the structure of the palm and male aggressiveness. It turns out that a man's character (at least some aspects of it) can be easily guessed by carefully studying the length of two fingers - the index and ring fingers. Researchers from the Canadian University of Alberta claim that a short index finger compared to the ring finger is a sure sign of a brawler prone to assault. The fact is that men are made aggressive by high levels of the hormone testosterone, under the influence of which the shape of the palm and fingers is formed even in the womb.

Answer from 2 answers[guru]