Difficulties in raising teenagers. Features of raising a teenager and difficulties of the transition period Polytechnic education and labor education of schoolchildren

Raising a teenager is a very difficult task. At this age, children, on the one hand, have already ceased to be children dependent on you, and on the other, have not yet turned into young adults. This transitional phase brings problems for both parents and adolescents themselves. However, with patience and a few helpful tips below, you can overcome this period of a child's life and turn your teenager into a confident young adult.

Be not a parent, but a friend

The time to spoil your child is over! Be more of a friend than a parent. At this stage, it is very important that your child realizes that you love him and care about him. Instead of reprimanding them for mistakes, show your teen that you understand the situation and are always ready to support him. This is one of the best parenting tips for teenagers that you should take.

Respect your teenager's personal space

Secrets are a big part of a teenager's life. As a parent, you need to know all the secrets of your child's life, but sometimes you need to give him privacy and avoid interfering in his world. Let your child come to you when he/she really needs you.

Prepare yourself for the challenges of adolescence

A teenager is no longer a child, so you need to prepare yourself to a certain extent for raising him. Read books or reminisce about your teenage years and how you dealt with the changes in your life. The more you learn, explore, and empathize, the better you can understand your teen and his or her challenges.

Discipline, don't punish

When you are trying to set certain standards for your teen's behavior, don't be intrusive. Discuss disciplinary issues with your child and take his opinion into account. Explain why it is necessary to establish rules of discipline and how they will benefit him. It is important to give the teenager the opportunity to express his or her views before establishing any disciplinary rules.

Instill a sense of responsibility

In some cultures, a teenager is considered an adult. This is the right time to strengthen his sense of responsibility. Try giving your teenager more household responsibilities, and give him the opportunity to handle them himself. This should instill in the teenager a sense of responsibility and self-confidence.

Find time for regular, confidential communication with your teenager

Teenagers, as we know, are extremely uncommunicative people, so parents are simply obliged to ensure regular communication with their child. Regardless of busy work schedules and busy lifestyles, parents must find time to freely communicate with their children and empathize with their life's ups and downs. This can be any time: during breakfast, during the day or in the evening at dinner.

Act preventively, taking into account the forecast of developments

Look for the right time to talk to your child about questions that are important to him, which he is often unable to ask or is simply embarrassed to do so. This could be a harmless conversation about musical preferences or a serious discussion of topics such as puberty or intimate life. Try to answer your teenager's questions clearly, do not try to evade or give vague answers.

Be conscious and careful

It is necessary to provide the teenager with personal space, but at the same time it is important to make it a rule to learn (quietly learn) about the places he visits and about his company. This doesn't mean you should spy on your teen and eavesdrop on their conversations. You must be open to communication so that the child is not afraid to contact you.

Be compassionate and empathetic

Before you harshly reprimand your teenager, try to put yourself in his shoes. Be prudent, adhere to rules and discipline. It is important to be friendly, patient and understanding. When trying to discipline a teenager, never use force or cause physical harm to his health. Research has proven that angry and resentful teenagers tend to grow up to be dysfunctional and even violent adults.

Be worthy of emulation

Even in adolescence, children imitate their parents, simply because parents are the only constant in their changing world. If there is a gap between what you say and what you do, your teen will easily spot the falseness. Therefore, always try to be a role model - someone whom the teenager is happy to copy.

Raising a teenager requires more care than any other period of parenting. Anyone can provide a teenager with food and shelter, but only a caring and understanding parent can show him the right path. Therefore, be extremely careful and careful when raising a teenager, very soon he will become an adult, and better times will begin for you!

Safety comes first. You don't want to control everything, but at the same time, you want your daughter to be safe. Spend some money, buy her a cell phone, or ask her to help you save money. If she has a phone, ask her to carry it with her at all times so you can contact her. Talk to her about possible emergency situations. For example, tell her, “If you can't find a sober driver to take you home from a party, call me and I'll pick you up. It doesn’t matter if it’s 4 in the morning, I’d rather pick you up than let you ride in a car with a drunk driver.”

• Sure, she'll grumble a little about your worries, but that's better than not worrying and letting her get into a dangerous situation.
• Teenagers these days spend a lot of time online, so maintaining cybersecurity is important. Ask her not to talk online to anyone she doesn't know, and certainly not to date someone she meets online, unless she has an absolute reason to trust that person.

Let her date guys. Someday there will come a time when she will have a boyfriend (and maybe a girlfriend). You have to accept it, no matter what you really think about it. But don't forget about the rules and rigor. You have to watch how her relationship develops. Of course, you don't need to pry or ask too many questions, but you should be aware of what she's doing and where she's going.

• Of course, if you see someone treating your daughter badly or trying to take advantage of her, it may kill you, but you should help her understand who is who for herself, instead of saying that her boyfriend is a worthless person or what something like that. If you try to convince her not to date this person again, it will only make her want to do the opposite.
• Finally, understand: it is unrealistic to forbid her to meet someone she likes. This is not the stone age, understand there is nothing you can do to stop her from dating. You can't lock her in a room like a princess in a tower. One day she'll go to college or just move out, and then she'll be free to date whoever she wants.
• Plus, you don't want her to be upset with you for not allowing her to go on dates. If you don't allow her to do what all her friends do (and this is completely normal for their age), she will become very harsh with you.

Why is raising today's teenagers so difficult? After all, we ourselves were once like that and already have an idea of ​​the period in which they are located. Even if there is enough effort and understanding on the part of the parents, the teenage children themselves take everything with hostility and rush to disappear to their friends. If you are tired of dealing with your child's disobedience and disrespect, then this article will help you establish contact and provide general recommendations for raising teenagers.

Once upon a time, we were also teenagers and we remember very well how we sometimes lost control so as not to insert our “two cents” against our parents’ word. But time is inexorable, and when our time has come to “babysit” adult children, many methods of raising teenagers are no longer effective. This section contains valuable tips to help renew the trusting relationship between you and your children.

Let's face it, we have to reap what we sow. If we had built a trusting relationship between us and our children in early childhood and had not allowed this relationship to break down, then perhaps even in adolescence our children would be grateful for our advice. But, given his tender age, this cannot be said for sure. This is why almost every parent has a blitz round of pointed questions and answers.

• Raising teenage children should not be forced. If you feel the need to educate him, but you are sorely short of time, then it is better to postpone this conversation until some family trip, where you will be disposed to talk calmly, without blaming the child for taking up a lot of your time.
• Speak calmly and do not respond to the teenager’s attacks in kind. You must understand his condition and cannot demand unquestioning obedience from him. There is practically an adult sitting in front of you, and you need to talk to him accordingly, making allowances for a difficult period.
• Under no circumstances should you blame your teenager for anything. Children are very vulnerable at this age, so all your reproaches can become a reason for his complexes, which he does not need.
• Don't fight with your child. Your dialogue should not resemble a minefield where either he will listen to you, or there is no other way. Give him the right to choose, and if he wants to disobey, accept it.
• Do not include relatives in your dialogue with your child, otherwise your child will completely stop trusting you. Talk to him as an equal. Forbid meddling in the upbringing of great-great-aunts. Don't complain about your child, this method will only destroy the contact you already have.

Problems of raising teenagers

Why is raising teenagers so hard? When communicating with them, you need to take into account some facts; not knowing them or deliberately not paying attention to them, you will only aggravate the situation. This article lists the most popular reasons that provoke your child to behave this way:

• Adolescence is the stage of formation of a child as a person. At this time, the formation of his internal qualities, principles, and prevailing character traits occurs, and there is also a full awareness of his honor and dignity.
• At this age, it seems to a teenager that the world is unfair to him, so any claims, accusations or undeserved bias can cause an internal conflict in the teenager between those qualities to which he is devoted and what you demand of him.
• During this period, the child undergoes not only moral formation of personality, but also hormonal physiological development, so excessive emotionality has a good reason.

Hormones tend to accumulate in advance; it’s another matter during adolescence, when a child simply needs a large amount of the hormone for physiological development. When the body understands that a release of one or another hormone is needed (it cannot be accumulated in the body for a long time), it provokes artificial stress to release it. Thus, any little thing can throw a teenager out of an emotionally stable balance.

• The reason for the same hormones, and vice versa, can be falling in love, because we all know very well how intensely teenagers can experience this bright feeling. First love is never forgotten, because it is the strongest, as teenage books and TV series say. And this is understandable, with such a concentration of the hormone in the blood you can compete even with the heroes of the film “Titanic”.

• Finally, adolescence is a period of rebellion. Internal protest yearns for its revolutionary manifestation. They need to defend their inner principles. They need conflict to show everyone and themselves that their own standards are unshakable and they cannot be broken as an individual.

Gender education for teenagers

Parents' upbringing of teenagers should primarily be based on the child's gender. This method of education has nothing to do with double standards and, in no case, chauvinism. You need to understand that different sexes have their own characteristics and should not be let down. In this section you can find tips on raising teenagers - both boys and girls:

• Let's start with raising a teenage girl. The subtleties of a beautiful nature are already known to everyone. They are very vulnerable, suspicious and experience everything a hundred times more intensely. Against the backdrop of internal experiences, their body is also formed, and they experience hormonal and physical changes typical for their age.

• This period of a teenage girl needs to be treated with the necessary understanding, to be as attentive and compliant as possible to some new features of her character and impulses that, perhaps, were not characteristic of her before.
• During such periods, the best adviser for a girl will be none other than her mother. Speak calmly, without accusations or moralizing. If the girl does not make contact, then try to build a foundation for this conversation: for some time, take an interest in her affairs and achievements every day, praise her, carefully ask how she spends time with her friends.
• Remember that your task is to get her to talk, and not to find out in the best manner of an investigator. Slowly rebuilding the broken bridge, you yourself will one day be surprised when she takes the initiative to tell you everything on her own, and if you are wise enough not to blame, but to guide your daughter, then she will change her attitude towards your advice to a positive one.
• The subtleties of raising a teenage boy lie in his revolutionary and rebellious nature. Once you accuse him of anything, you risk getting on the blacklist, where he writes down all the offenders who, in his opinion, treated him unfairly.
• The difficulty in raising boys is that they are stubborn and independent enough to listen to the moral teachings of adults. Be prepared for the fact that they have activities that you are not too accepting of, but you must give them their own choice, which can only come if they independently realize the mistake.
• You have to be there and support your son - that's all you can do as a parent. If you force him into a dialogue or find out the circumstances of his yesterday’s entertainment, you will run into another conflict and completely lose contact with your son.

• Speak to him calmly and gently. Don't break his will. If he wants to run away from the conversation and lock himself in his room, then give him this opportunity. You shouldn’t break down the door and shout something like “We haven’t finished yet!” with foam at the mouth.
• Don't go through your son's things. This will only create distrust in you. Be sure that if your child wants to hide something, he will do it well. Live with it however you want. Your deductive method will have no effect on your child's secret passions.

• There must be discipline in your home. It's better if it was there in the first place. If not, introduce your child to the new rules of your home. You yourself must follow them unquestioningly. Therefore, think carefully before writing down 101 points.
• This method is effective not only for teenage boys, but especially for them. The list of rules may contain an item, for example: “Be home no later than 23.00.” You can make amendments, for example, he can ask for time off. But! If your child arrived half an hour late and did not consider it necessary to warn you about this, you must give him a punishment.

Raising teenagers at school

Do not forget that your child, in addition to you, is also raised by society. For example, school. This is the place where the child spends a significant part of his life, so he draws a lot from there. At school you can express yourself, choose an activity to your liking, and also receive very valuable advice.

• You shouldn’t rely too much on school to help raise your child. The established concepts of school as the cradle of worthy and honest people have long been outdated and are no longer effective.
• The school now has a fairly commercial relationship with the work that can be done. And that's okay! It would be strange to blame a school canteen cook for a child’s obesity, just as it would be strange to blame a teacher for a student’s bad behavior. You are his parent, and only you are responsible for him.
• When the curses called “the school should” or “the school is to blame” have subsided, we can talk about the benefits of school education for teenage children. For example, a huge plus is that the educational institution has a school psychologist who is always ready to receive a child in his office.
• School psychologists also conduct surveys, both anonymous and public, which allows them to turn their attention to a particular student or take control of a particular problem. You will be notified if your child is registered with the school psychologist.
• The school also holds educational hours before/after or instead of any lesson. Often such events are on the schedule or can be held instead of a class hour. They show children films about the dangers of smoking, alcohol, drugs, and early sexual intercourse; invite health workers and doctors for consultations on certain diseases and infections that they can contract due to a certain lifestyle.

• Schoolchildren are often frightened by such revelations of reality, so they quickly draw the right conclusions. As practice shows, the modern generation is more liberated. All the children, without hesitation, eagerly ask questions to the specialists and even take notes on some information. The development and upbringing of teenagers is not forced, so they easily surrender to new useful knowledge without protesting.
• The school also provides sex education to teenagers, which makes it a lot easier for you as a parent. True, such lessons begin to be taught to children in the 9th grade, when they already know almost everything, a significant percentage have already had intimate foreplay, and some peers have even managed to become young parents. Therefore, it is recommended to conduct the moral education of a teenager a little earlier than the school does.

Raising Troubled Teens

If contact between parent and child was lost long before the onset of adolescence, then general recommendations and advice become useless in the fight for a bright future for the child, but this is far from a reason to fold your hands on your knees and watch how the child independently ruins his life. We will talk about raising difficult teenagers, when parents need to decide on radical measures:

• Sometimes there comes a time when books about raising teenagers become out of place. The child becomes aggressive, caustic to remarks, quick-tempered, and sometimes at such a young and promising age already has problems with law enforcement agencies. Here you need to take urgent measures, which are very difficult for many parents to decide on.
• The first thing to do is take your child to a psychologist. Exactly. Agree that you are no longer able to change anything and give way to certified specialists. It would also be a good idea for you to consult with an expert in your field in raising your child.
• Remember that it is better to go to a psychologist once than to visit your child in prison for the rest of his life. These are mandatory measures, because the child in the future may pose a danger both to others and to himself.
• Troubled teenagers often include boys, so another excellent solution would be to send your child to places of increased discipline, for example, to the Suvorov School.
• There are also such institutions for girls, similar to the Soviet school for noble maidens. They are paid and expensive, but sometimes this is the only effective way out of the current situation. For girls there are lessons in femininity, manners, moral education and etiquette. This is a very useful experience that will certainly be useful to them in the future.
• You should not feel sorry for the child, there he will be given the choice of being a worthy person or living his life wandering aimlessly.

Adolescence is a very difficult period for raising a child. Especially if you try to build a relationship with him that never existed. Then your method of education is doomed to sink to the bottom. If your child does not make contact, this is a reason to think about it. Define your role in this. You are a parent and can always support and give valuable advice to your child, but do not forget that there must be discipline in the house, and disobedience will result in punishment. And your child should know this.

Video: “How to protect a child from the influence of other people’s children? A bad influence on a teenager. Advice from Dmitry Karpachev"

Features of adolescence

1. Teenagers are most interested in their own personality. Questions “Who am I?”, “How am I different from others?” become the number one questions.

2. Teenagers are most busy figuring out and building their relationships with other people. Friendship is the main thing that interests them.

3. Teenagers are seekers of the meaning of life. They begin to worry about the main question of human existence: “Why do I live? What is my purpose?

4. Teenagers are so preoccupied with their puberty that issues of relationships between men and women occupy them more than anything else.

5. Teenagers constantly conflict with adults.

6. Teenagers feel a lack of respect for them from adults. They want equal relationships with adults.

7. Teenagers constantly think about how other people evaluate them.

8. Teenagers are irresponsible creatures. They want to have all the rights (like adults) and no responsibilities (like children).

9. Teenagers adopt the tastes, views, and manners of their company; they are embarrassed to be “not like everyone else.”

10. Teenagers are looking for their own life style, being original, emphasizing their originality and difference from others.

11. Adolescents have the ability to change themselves and engage in self-education. They become creators, masters, authors of their own lives.

How to help a teenager?

If you begin to notice that your child has become overly irritable, withdrawn and even slightly aggressive. If he avoids spending time with you under any pretext, he tries to spend more time alone. If your child’s performance has decreased and behavioral problems have appeared at school, this means that your child has begun to have teenage problems. How can you help a teenager cope with his condition?

1. First of all, he needs to form a clear conviction that he is loved in the family and accepted for who he is, with all his problems and mistakes
2. You need to show by your actions that you can be trusted.
3. Create comfortable conditions and support his positive endeavors and actions · Try to turn your demands into his desires
4. Cultivate the importance of education
5. Try to put priorities into his mind · Learn to ask questions in such a way that the teenager does not have the desire not to answer them or avoid talking with you. For example, instead of asking: “What did you get today?” It’s better to ask: “What was interesting at school today? What did you like about school and what didn’t you?”
6. A child should not be afraid to make a mistake or tell you the truth, whatever it may be.
7. Never scold your child with hurtful words or insult his dignity. Do not use his friends or acquaintances as an example.

1. Always try to evaluate your child positively, even if it seems to you that he is incompetent in some way. Remarks should not sound like accusations
2. The performer should be praised, but only the performance should be criticized. Praise must be personal, and criticism must be impersonal.
3. Live for your child's sake
4. Show him maximum attention, worry about his every failure with him and rejoice even in his minor successes
5. Team up with your child against his difficulties. He should see you as allies, not adversaries or outside observers
6. Believe in your child, and then he will definitely feel that he is better at home than in the yard, because at home he is loved, accepted and respected

I wish you success!

Every age period is important for a person. But psychologists are unanimous that adolescence is a special age for personality development. The future fate of the person will largely depend on how the teenager overcomes this period and what mental developments he acquires. And therefore, a very responsible task falls on the adults who surround the teenager: parents and teachers. They must help the child successfully overcome a “difficult age”, give the opportunity to develop the necessary potentialities in his personality, and prevent the emergence of destructive acquisitions and internal barriers. Adolescents are characterized by such manifestations as aggressiveness, conflict, negativism, irritability, isolation, and detachment from adults. But all this is temporary, if we, adults, behave correctly and communicate correctly with a teenager. I will be glad if my recommendations help you.

Aggressive teenager.

How often do we hear this phrase? It can be treated differently, but, unfortunately, such a problem exists. Often, when defending himself or asserting himself, a teenager displays aggression. Of course, first of all, it is necessary to find out the reason for the aggressiveness. There can be quite a lot of them. It often occurs due to excessive demands from adults. This happens when there is a cult of prohibitions in the family. Aggression can also be a consequence of the child’s unfulfilled desires. Therefore, it is necessary to limit the child’s demands gently but firmly within reasonable limits. And in order to avoid conflict, you can try to transfer its activity into a peaceful direction. And naturally, aggression can be a consequence of resentment or injured pride. And it should be noted that most often aggressive adults have aggressive children.

How to deal with an aggressive teenager?

1. Under no circumstances should you allow yourself to talk to a teenager in a raised voice.
2. If you see that it is difficult for a child to restrain himself, then give him the opportunity to express his aggression without causing harm to others.
3. Show your child an example of effective behavior, try to avoid outbursts of anger and do not make plans for revenge.
4. Do everything so that your child feels at every moment that you love, appreciate and accept him, do not hesitate to once again caress him and feel sorry for him.

I wish you success!

If your child is conflict-prone

First of all, it is necessary to identify the cause of the child’s conflict. Perhaps in your family your child is the center of the Universe. And therefore he demands from strangers and his peers the same attitude towards his person. And not having received this, he begins to conflict. Or, on the contrary, he lacks attention in the family. He is not properly cared for for a number of different reasons and circumstances. He lives with a constant feeling of resentment and accumulated anger. And his conflict is one of the ways to attract attention to himself. Or perhaps he lives in a family where he is an observer of conflicts. A child’s conflict behavior is a reason for you to think about your own behavior.

How to deal with a conflict child?

1. Control your child's temper tantrums. Try to restrain his desire to enter into conflict.
2. If possible, try to avoid conflict, thereby setting an example for your child.
3. If the conflict has already occurred, try to understand its causes. Don't justify your child's behavior unless there is a reason for it.
4. Be sure to discuss with your child the reasons for the quarrel and ways to resolve it without conflict.
5. By your own example, teach your child not to provoke conflicts.
6. Do not discuss your child's behavior with anyone else in his presence. I wish you success!

How to recognize that a child is lying?

You can determine that a child is lying by the following signs:

1. Nervousness. The child makes unnecessary movements, fusses for no reason
2. . · Peculiarities of gaze: elusive gaze, does not look into the eyes.
3. A very intent, unblinking gaze, studying your reaction to his words. · Gesture covering his mouth with his hand, as if he does not want false words to come out of his mouth.
4. Inaccuracy, confusion of speech.
5. Verbosity, lack of clear formulations.
6. He talks a lot and about nothing, does not answer the question specifically.
7. Repeating the same thought over and over again.
8. Excessive emotionality when a child screams or gets nervous.

Reasons for lying behavior

Lies: · in order to avoid punishment;

1. because the child has such a bad habit;
2. because he was born a liar;
3. because he wants to get some benefit;
4. because he considers others stupider than himself;
5. wants to save time on unnecessary explanations;
6. because he is afraid that they will think badly of him;
7. because he says not what he thinks, but what they want to hear from him;
8. because he wants to appear better than he really is;
9. from powerlessness to change something in your life.

Memo “How to raise a truthful child”

Parents need to know that children's lies do not appear unexpectedly and on their own. A child learns to lie just like everything else. That is, for us adults. And it is not just words that educate and convince a child, but rather the behavior patterns demonstrated by adults. It is better to think about how to raise a child to be truthful before the first manifestations of lies appear. Prevention and eradication are different tasks. The following recommendations will help you raise a truthful child.

1. Be unanimous in your requirements for the child. The most experienced manipulators grow up in families where there are no uniform requirements, and parents compete with each other. By the age of five, a child in such a family knows what to say to his mother if his father forbids something in order to get what he wants. Family and school should have uniform requirements for the child.

2. Keep your promises. Both in terms of rewards and punishments. To fulfill this point, you need to be attentive to your words and promises, do not rush into words and promise only what you can actually fulfill.

3. Try to be honest and sincere with your child, even in small things. The child copies you, and in the overwhelming majority of cases, the reasons for negative behavior are a copy of the behavior of one of the parents or an adult significant to the child.

4. Try to understand why the child lied. You need to work not with the fact of lying itself, but with the motive, the reason why the child lied. In 10% of cases you will find that this is not a lie, but a misunderstanding. In 20% of situations, the child’s desire to obtain or continue forbidden pleasure lies. In 30% it is fear, the desire to avoid punishment. And if you scold and intimidate a child, it will get worse: the child will not stop being afraid, and therefore lying. In the remaining 40% of cases, there are reasons described in the memo “Causes of deceitful behavior.”

5. You should talk through this situation with the child, without focusing on his lies. You should not catch a child in a lie, attribute to him “bad thoughts”, “devious plans”, “the presence of bad genes”. It depends on you what life strategy will stick with him.

6. Review the system of prohibitions in the family or at school. Maybe there are too many “don’ts” in a child’s life. And here again we should talk and explain in accessible terms why all these “don’ts” exist.

7. If a child admits to lying, he should not be punished under any circumstances. Whatever the offense, you risk never hearing the truth again.

8. Program your child to tell the truth, not to lie. Phrases: “You are so old, and you are lying... Do you want to grow up to be a liar, a criminal?” - are destructive and contain negative programs that encourage lying. Say better: “You are so honest, why didn’t you tell the truth? Or “You look like your father, and he always tells the truth. I thought you would always be honest.”

9. Do not play along with the child in his first tricks, do not be touched by manifestations of guile. Show that you understand what is behind it.

10. Let the child eliminate the results of lies himself. Returns the item taken without asking, asks for forgiveness, apologizes to the teacher for cheating, etc. If you punished a child for lying, but he managed to have fun - eat sweets, get an A, go out for a walk, etc., you have reinforced the habit. The task of adults is to prevent the child from receiving psychological and physical pleasure from the results of his own lies. The remorse that he will experience when eliminating the consequences of his deception will not allow him to do this next time

11. The punishment must be equivalent to the misdemeanor. Dr. B. Spock also said that if a child has committed a ruble offense, he is entitled to a ruble punishment. But if he was guilty by five kopecks, the punishment should be appropriate.

Good luck to you in raising a truthful child

A reminder about raising teenagers

1. Do not give up on a teenager, because his heightened pride and social position are the result of a “difficult age”.

2. Love your teenager and accept him as he is - with all his strengths and weaknesses.

3. Lean on the best in a teenager, believe in his capabilities.

4. Strive to understand the teenager, look into his thoughts and feelings, put yourself

in his place.

5. Create conditions for the success of a teenage child, give him the opportunity to feel strong, skillful, and lucky.

6. Don't compare your teenager with other children. Remember that every child is unique and inimitable.

7. Do not humiliate or insult a teenager (especially in the presence of peers). 8. Be self-critical, principled, try to strengthen the teenager’s confidence so much that he shares with you his possible troubles and experiences.

Become his “good friend and advisor.”

Causes of childhood uncontrollability.

1. The struggle for the attention of parents. Disobedience is also an opportunity to attract attention to yourself, to make yourself known if adults have forgotten about you. Attention is necessary for any person for emotional well-being, and even more so for a child.

2. The struggle for self-affirmation. The child declares war on the endless instructions, comments and fears of adults. He expects trust in himself. He wants to decide for himself, this is inherent in his nature - you cannot live your life on the experience of your elders.

3. Thirst for revenge on the world around us, on adults. The child takes revenge for: - lack of faith in his abilities and capabilities. - comparison is not in his favor with older or younger brothers and sisters; - for humiliating each other in the family circle; - for the loss of one of the parents as a result of divorce; - for the appearance of a new family member in the house, who becomes more significant than the child himself; - for injustice towards oneself and failure to fulfill promises by adults; - for parental lies and chameleonism; - for excessive display of love by adults for each other.

4. Lack of faith in your success. The reasons for not believing in one’s own success can be: low school results regardless of the child’s efforts, low self-esteem encouraged by parents, poor relationships in the classroom with peers, outright isolation of the child, lack of opportunity to express oneself, one’s abilities and skills.

Consultation for parents

"Transitional age:

Features of contact with teenagers"

How and when does a child become a teenager, a teenager become a young man, and a young man become an adult? This does not happen overnight, and often age-related changes are imperceptible to us: just yesterday our children were small, they needed our care and guardianship, and today they declare their adulthood, demand independence and autonomy. This age is called differently: “difficult”, “transitional”, “crisis”. It really differs sharply from other stages of a child’s life. Adolescence is a time of intense but uneven development. Different body systems develop at different rates. So, often the circulatory system does not keep up with the growth of bone and muscle. The same significant differences exist in the mental development, interests, mental maturity, and level of independence of children, and these differences are not the exception, but the rule. A teenager may be already an adult in some respects, and still a complete child in others. Adolescence is the age of an inquisitive mind, a greedy desire for knowledge, an age of ebullient energy, vigorous activity, initiative, and a thirst for activity. A teenager often already sets goals for himself and plans their implementation himself. But the lack of will is reflected, in particular, in the fact that, while showing persistence in one type of activity, a teenager may not show it in other types. Along with this, adolescence is characterized by impulsiveness. Sometimes teenagers will act first and think later, although at the same time they realize that they should have done the opposite. A teenager, as already noted, strives to be and be considered an adult. He protests in every possible way when he is controlled, punished, obedience and submission are demanded from him, regardless of his desires and interests, which leads to conflicts in the family and school. What psychological characteristics of adolescents make this age especially dangerous? Uneven physical development affects overall activity. Often at this age children complain of headaches, dizziness, and fatigue. This, as a rule, is not a simulation, but a manifestation of developmental features. During this period, the body is especially vulnerable and sensitive to external influences. Therefore, it is very important to create a gentle regime for teenagers, to make sure that they get enough sleep, rest, and walks. The mental organization of a teenager is very unstable, and at all levels: emotions, feelings, intellect. This is extreme instability of self-esteem and at the same time maximalism; and decreased mood, anxiety, and easily arising fears. Teenagers are often vulnerable and at the same time rude, sensitive and at the same time unrestrained. We often hear hurtful or unfair statements from our children. But, as a rule, these statements are caused not so much by their actual attitude towards us, but by their situational emotional state. It is important for us adults to understand that teenagers are not always able to control themselves. Despite all their desire for adulthood, they are not yet mature enough for this and need guidance from adults. In adolescence, the problem of balancing support and control arises with particular urgency. Often teenagers actively rebel against control and guidance from adults, defending the right to independence. But adolescence is not yet a time when children can completely do without parental control; they just need to change the ratio of this control. By the way, the children themselves, no matter what they say at the time of the conflict, also actively need the help of adults. They consider the lack of attention to their life to be a manifestation of indifference and indifference. Therefore, it is very important that we, adults, help teenagers cope with internal conflicts. It is from us that we are required to be flexible in behavior and respond to the child’s needs. How can we seek a balance of control and autonomy? When a child reaches adolescence, all the requirements placed on him can be divided into three conditional groups. The first group includes requirements the fulfillment of which is not discussed (return home by a certain time, call when you are late). The second group includes requirements and options that we as parents are ready to discuss with a teenager (how much time to spend on the computer, how to plan free time). The third group includes what the child decides on his own, but you are ready to help him with support or advice if necessary (who to be friends with, what clubs to attend). These groups of requirements must be discussed with the child. This can be done in approximately this form: “Now you are already an adult and you can decide many things for yourself. For example, it seems to me that you are able to decide for yourself which clubs to attend. In some cases, I am ready to discuss the option with you. For example, how much time do you think you can spend at the computer? But there are some house rules that you will have to follow while you live with us. For example, this concerns the time of returning home.” Gradually, some requirements can move from one group to another: for example, when you are confident that your child is able to independently plan lessons, control can be transferred to him. Frequent mood swings and emotional breakdowns in teenagers cause us considerable difficulty. Let's remember the time when children were very small, when they just learned to walk. We had to hide sharp objects from them, lock drawers, etc. We treated this with understanding, realizing that these difficulties were temporary. And when children reach adolescence, it becomes increasingly difficult for us to be lenient towards certain whims and attacks. It seems to us that they are already quite old, and their actions are quite meaningful. In fact, very often teenagers, like young children, act under the influence not of meaningful motives, but of momentary emotional states. Therefore, it is very important not to discuss with them their behavior or their statements in situations where teenagers are excited, upset, or irritated. It is better to reschedule the conversation until the children have calmed down. In addition, in some situations it is necessary to take into account their unstable state and make allowances for this when reacting to certain words and actions. The feeling of adulthood that arises in adolescents also requires a special attitude. On the one hand, it is very important to maintain their sense of competence, independence, and significance. This can be done in various ways. For example, ask their opinion or advice on a particular issue in family life. If the decision was made based on the teenager’s opinion and turned out to be successful, it is necessary to publicly emphasize this fact. If a teenager seems to be considered, his opinion matters to adults; this, on the one hand, helps maintain his self-esteem, and on the other hand, facilitates contact with him. Here are some ways to connect with teenagers. I would be glad if my consultation helps you in your relationship with a teenager. Good luck to you in raising your children.

Raising a teenager is different from raising young children. After all, in fact, these are already formed personalities who grow up and develop every day. This is evidenced not only by changes in their appearance, figure, but also in behavior.

Most children at the age of 14 become uncontrollable, stubborn, and withdraw into themselves. And this is the omission of parents who missed the moment when their child grew up. To avoid problems with a teenager, you should know what mistakes you should not make in raising your daughter or son, and what advice from a psychologist you should take note.

From this article you will learn

What age

Adolescence is the most difficult period in the life of children and their parents. At this age, the child experiences his first emotions, falls in love, and expresses himself as a person. These attempts are not always successful. Therefore, despite the fact that children want to appear independent, they still need parental support, understanding and love.

This difficult period lasts for more than one year. Therefore, it is appropriate to divide it into three stages and consider each of them in more detail:

• 11–14 years old – early period. It can be called transitional, because it is at this age that two principles struggle inside the child - childish and adult. The son or daughter already seems to be adults, but childish traits also appear in their behavior.

During this period, children are especially sensitive to criticism from others and are very dependent on the opinions of others. They spend more time with friends with whom they have common interests. As for school performance, it may decline due to inhibition of the processes responsible for memory and attention.

• 14–16 years is the average period. A 15-year-old teenager is characterized by excessive emotionality and a desire to be important and significant. At this age, rash actions are often committed; the child may find himself under the influence of society. Therefore, such changes in his behavior as detachment and isolation should not go unnoticed by parents.
• 16–17 years old is a late period. The child becomes an adult and his actions testify to this. After all, less and less rash steps are taken, awareness and responsibility are present. It is at the age of 16–17 that most teenagers graduate from school and face difficult choices on which their fate depends. At this moment, parents should be support and support.

Features of raising boys

A 14-year-old child demands attention and seeks support from his mother or father. But not all parents understand this. In their opinion, in order to raise a real man, you need to make him strong, independent, and able to cope with his problems alone.

The result of such a position is usually disastrous. After all, the child finds himself without support and looks for it anywhere but at home. This is fraught with connections with bad companies, immoral behavior, and this is not the worst of all that can happen to him.

In order for a boy to become a man, it is necessary to pay attention to what the upbringing of teenagers is like, the typical mistakes of parents that can cripple the psyche. Only by excluding them can you raise a boy happy, caring, understanding and courageous. Therefore, parents should not:

• Take the whip method as the basis for education. Nothing good will come of this. By prohibiting a child from everything that his peers have access to, you can give rise to anger in him towards the whole world. In addition to the respect that parents want to instill in him, they will receive hatred and fear. Freed from such guardianship, the boy can go to great lengths to make up for lost time. There will be no positive memories of youth to look back on in old age.
• Show excessive care, patronize and protect the boy from everything and everyone. This mistake is made by mothers of children who have single-parent families. In this way they try to add the love that the child did not receive from the father. If you don’t stop in time, and this needs to be done before the boy turns 14, then instead of raising a man, you will be able to make the child dependent on his mother, who solves all his problems, deals with offenders, and decides his fate.
• Resort to comparison. During adolescence, all children are different. Some people withdraw into themselves, while others become open to everything new. A mistake parents make is constantly comparing their child with their peers. Such attacks can shake self-confidence; the child will begin to imitate the standard and lose himself. In no case should you compare your child; on the contrary, he needs to be instilled with faith that everything will work out for him, he will overcome difficulties, receive an excellent education and become a successful person.
• Contradict yourself. If a father teaches his son to protect girls, to give in to them, but he himself offends and beats his mother in front of his eyes, then the teenager will transfer this model of behavior to his family in the future. The same applies to the teaching of morality, talking about how stealing is bad, while, for example, bringing something from work is illegal.

To raise a son to be a man, you need to show him, using the example of his dad, what he should be. All other arguments will be in vain. After all, they do not correspond to the example that a teenager observes every day.

Features of raising a girl

Raising a teenage girl has some differences from raising a boy. But still, at fourteen years old, a girl needs love and understanding from her parents, and especially her mother. In this matter, parents should take into account advice on what mistakes they should not make:

• Raise in strictness. Parents, fearing that their daughter will get involved with bad company or start having sex early, which could lead to early pregnancy, are trying to protect their child from all this. Therefore, they load her with all sorts of household chores, studies and other things. The model of behavior in this case is more reminiscent not of a family, but of a boss and a subordinate. The girl does not feel protected, loved and begins to look for support in strangers.
• Allow everything, pamper and indulge your whims. If parents raise their daughter this way, then they must be prepared for the fact that her demands will soon increase, and any refusal will be perceived as a betrayal. Such a girl will grow into a woman who does not show respect for people and cares only about her own well-being. And first of all, the parents themselves will suffer from such upbringing.
• Criticize the child. There is nothing worse than low self-esteem, which can cripple your entire life. Father's criticism is especially acute, which in the future may result in hatred of the entire male sex. But praise for achievements, affection and care will help raise a confident woman from a little girl.
• It's too much to be frank. Despite the fact that many psychologists advise parents to make friends with their daughters in adolescence, this idea is only half successful. If a child shares his experiences and seeks advice from his parents, this is one thing, but when a mother crosses all boundaries of what is permitted and begins too frank intimate conversations, this can traumatize the child’s psyche.

The consequences will soon appear in the form of the daughter’s isolation, the desire to avoid communication with her mother, and she will be forced to look for answers to questions on her own.

A successful and happy woman is the merit of her parents, who at one time knew how to raise a teenage girl and retained warm and tender feelings. But this is worth a lot.

Parents should share a difficult period in the life of a teenager with him. But this should not be persistence, strict control, or spontaneous interference in his affairs. Any parent who has a connection with a child will feel his condition and a silent request for help. From ages 11–14, parents should:

• Spend as much time as possible with your child. Despite the fact that his circle of friends becomes wider every year, he needs communication with his parents. They should know as much as possible about the child's life, as he does about theirs.

Therefore, you should not avoid asking questions, because if they are followed, they are important for the interlocutor. Through dialogue, you can learn a lot about a child’s life: who his friends are, what his hobbies, problems, joys are.

• In addition to communicating with your child, you need to spend time. Joint outings to the stadium, the forest, or a cafe should bring pleasure to both parties.
• Parents must share the interests of the child (to the extent reasonable). You should not express your opinion, which differs from the child’s, about his style, preferences, music. A son (daughter) at the age of 14 is an adult who has her own tastes and beliefs. And he will be pleased to share all this with his closest people.
• You need to communicate with a child as with an adult. He must have his own responsibilities around the house and help his parents. And they, in turn, should become an example of an ideal family to which the child will always want to return. After all, what could be better than a home where it is warm and cozy, where parents love each other, respect each other, and in any situation they will support the child and will not leave him alone with his problems.

Children at any age need understanding, but teenagers most of all. After all, during this period a lot of changes occur in them, which they cannot always cope with on their own. And their distance from their parents does not mean that they no longer need their support and help.

Perhaps they need advice and a big hug more than ever, but they just don't know how to demonstrate it. Therefore, attention from parents should be as extreme as ever. It is important to show the teenager that he is loved and dear to his family; perhaps these basic things will help him get through this period easier, and not do anything stupid that he will have to regret.